The Weekly Face Puncher: Face Punchers... The Movie?

Friday, June 09, 2006

Face Punchers... The Movie?

To tell the truth, it seems that I'm always the last person to know anything around here. Maybe it's because I'm Canadian, maybe it's because I'm drunk most of the time, or maybe it's just because my terrible terrible gas keeps the other guys at least ten feet away. Whatever the reason, the only way I ever learn anything about the team is through my own independent investigative channels. It's hard sometimes, but the Facepunchers are like my family (my own having disowned me years ago). Needless to say, when a word sounding like "movie" slipped out during a team huddle (hey it was hard to hear, I was ten feet away) I decided to put all my resources into action.

First stop, team spokesman Abdul Abdul Bin Hassan AbdulHassan. I had a hunch he would be privy to the details of any impending film deals. He had this to say:

"Stupid Canadian INFIDEL!!! Get off my lawn before I facepunch your ass back to Toronto!!!"

I could tell by his defensive nature that my line of questioning had definitely revealed something important, something I wasn't supposed to know. I decided to risk another question, but was cut short when he emerged from his doorway swinging a very sharp looking sword.

Next stop, team towel boy Paco from housekeeping. As expected, when he saw me approach he tried to run, but I knew his gameplan (thanks to a team playbook I was able to steal). I was able to corner him under the stairs by the employee entrance. I launched my verbal assault with all the coercive force I could muster. He had this to say:


I knew it! His strange dialect couldn't fool me. It was clear that he was withholding something vital, something involving an enormously rich movie production company situated somewhere in the Presidio, something to do with our very own San Franciscan Taylor and Jim. As luck would have it, I saw the two of them conversing outside the bule and decided that now was my moment. Now I would get to the heart of this matter. With all of my investigative tools at the ready I approached the two, ready to crack this nut, ready to blow this whole thing wide open.

Sadly before I was even able to open my mouth (damn those slow Canadian reflexes) Taylor said "Stych you smell, we need you on door bud", and with that I was banished beyond those majestic double doors.

Reeling from the cleverness of Taylor's counterattack, I lay gasping against the planter trying desperately to salvage my investigation, to maintain the fabulous momentum I had worked so hard to achieve. But what is this? Who do I see approaching? Could it be? Not one, but TWO of our team fundraisers. Surely if a major PR move was in the works, these two would be in on the action. Steady now Andrew, steady, don't blow this one.

Right as they were about to pass me by, I stepped in their path and with all my doorman fury demanded answers.

Rastaman denied everything, "Blah baba doodlenoodles Jack in the Box ba squiggidy ba hungry ya flabbity..."

But it was Five Cent who let the cat out of the bag, "Can you spare TEN cents?!!?!!"

There could only be one reason she/he/it had doubled she/he/it's fundraising efforts...

My dear Facepuncher fans, my investigation will continue. I assure you I will get to the bottom of this. Oh, and next time you see at me a bar, maybe you could say "Hi" instead of pretending I'm not there and shuffling quickly away.

Love you guys.


Blogger Maurice said...

You make me sick.Fuck Love. Until War(sunday) Fuck Peace.

1:10 AM, June 10, 2006  
Blogger Brodeur said...

I will be there on Sunday.

In other news, Stephanie has still not asked me for my hand in marriage. This is beginning to bother me.

1:56 AM, June 10, 2006  

Post a Comment

<< Home