The Weekly Face Puncher: Greetings From The Bitch Leagues!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Greetings From The Bitch Leagues!

Hey guys! Sorry I haven't been able to write in a while. Things have been pretty tough here at the Bitch League training camp. But as Coach Stewart Nash (Omar's gay cousin and current director e meritus of the bitch leagues) always says, "Push harder and longer than you ever have before, and therein will you find release."

It's been so great here. You guys have no idea. Our mornings start bright and early with tea in the common room, which is basically one of those giant inflatable jumpy castle things in the middle of our field. There we go over our daily routine beforehand. Like Coach Stewart always says, "When you make a plan to do something, you better fucking follow through you fat ass piece of shit."

A typical day goes like this:

Morning time: Exercise consisting of crunches, circle-jerking and playing "tails", which is pretty much a game where we all put on little fake animal tails (all different kinds! I'm a monkey!) and chase eachother around to hone our predatory instincts. The goal is to get as many tails as possible by ripping them violently from the backs of your fellow bitches... It's a very fun game and I think you'd like it a lot!

Right now I'm wearing very tight pants!

Mid-morning: Around 11am, Coach Stew brings us to what he calls the "Command and Control" room, which is a big steel box, pretty much, with all sorts of hanging chains and leather stuff. Pretty creepy. But there is a table in the center where we have our Strategies class. Basically we get to color in whatever coloring book we want, and play mouse trap. I'm not very good at mouse trap. After we've played the strategy games, which help us understand the basic princiipal of punching someone's face, we go outside for our crafts time. Here's a picture of me working on building a device that illustrates some passing techniques!

After craft time, we have lunch. Richard Kahle, who was recently sent here to take some advanced attendance and and whining courses, is a really good mediterranean cook! We eat dolmas all day, and after eating til we are full to the brimmy-brim, we bask in the sun as the good fraternity of brotherhood that we are. Some times I lay on my stomach but that usually makes me want to pee :( Sometimes when we are laying in the sun, we catch coach Stew watching us from the woods. He's a naughty man sometimes!

Afternoon: Usually after an hour or two, we hit the field. I like tapioca. So anyway, we play on the field, practicing our footwork mostly. Coach Stew makes us all play without shirts on! Like coach Stew always says, "Skin is skin. Bend over." Here's a picture of me on the line!

Sometimes people like Elder get injured, and we immediately stop playing! There was once that I chipped a nail and it was so nice to have everyone around, asking if I was ok... touching me... comforting me... caressing... loving... We have to look out for our own, and we're absolutely not out for blood! Like Coach nash always says, "If you're bleeding, it means you're going too hard!" Even if it's in broad daylight, we usually hold a candlelight vigil for the hurt. We care very much for eachother. Very very much.

Late Afternoon: If all goes as planned, we usually have a quick spa break at around 3:30 where we get to choose between a facial, a mud bath, a golden shower or a full body (inside and out! Coach Stew is very thorough!) massage. After that, we have our awards ceremony!

Basically every day we get awards for the things we do, even if we don't do anything. That's something.

Here's a picture of me "loving on" (as we in the league call it) fellow bitch Ashton McElbows.

Anyways guys, I'm late! We're going on a special field trip to the ballet and I haven't found a date yet! I'm thinking about asking Elder. Wish me luck!

Oh I almost forgot! The last picture is our class photo... But we took it before Elder and Rich showed up, so most of the faces our strangers to you, I'm sure! Have a great night I think about you guys all the time and miss you very very much!!!!!!!!!

<3 Aaron


Anonymous Mom and Dad said...

Dad and I are very proud of you! Keep up the great work and don't forget to eat all your peas.

12:01 AM, September 28, 2006  
Blogger TeddyTwoNames said...

keep you glue intake low and your carbs high, buddy. we'll see you soon!

4:58 PM, September 29, 2006  
Blogger Los said...

...and don't let them pick on you. we'll keep your seat on the bench warmed up for you so keep your spirits up.

5:16 PM, September 29, 2006  
Blogger Voeks said...

im drunk

6:01 PM, September 29, 2006  
Anonymous mcfadden said...

wheres my protein?

6:26 PM, September 29, 2006  

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