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The Weekly Face Puncher: Face Puncher Caught Punching Face

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Face Puncher Caught Punching Face

Face Puncher Bitchette Aaron Brodeur left Sunday's game early claiming he had been, "... hit in the [sic] face" by Teddy Twonames' ".. oversized and, personally, a bit too round for my taste, heel." However, recent reports from fans state that Brodeur was caught near the concrete walls applying blush to his ocular region. Speculation that is circulating suggests the injury may have been a fake.

Or, others contend, he could be simply wearing makeup these days.

Fans also stated Brodeur was also seen in the parking lot shortly after leaving the field, next to his "janky-ass old-ass broke-ass Beetle" punching himself in the face. When Face Punchers fan and season ticket holder Henry O'Duel confronted Brodeur and asked him what he was doing, O'Duel was surprised by the answer: Training.

After interviewing Brodeur's agent several times, The Chronicle uncovered some dark secrets about the Bitch Leagues (a football reform school nestled in the forested hills of Panama). Allegations include: Sex, Anal Sex and Self Mutilation.

"The practice of punching oneself in the face is widely practiced," Stated former bitch leaguer Corky Morin, son (or daughter?) of one of the founding fathers of the Face Punchers League, "And even encouraged by Bitch League camp. I mean, I'm seriously surprised that's all you caught him doing. I mean, did you guys even smell his fingers? That's a good way to judge if the training 'stuck'."

And the training did stick, apparently: Brodeur caught two out of seven 'practice' passes from legend and founder Carlos Morin. It should be noted, fellow Face Punchers were quick to point out, two of the caught practice throws were do-overs. During the game, Brodeur maintained an average of .337, and scored two home runs. He also played goal keeper for several periods.

Seen having a cup of coffee with his dog at a local diner owned by a Vietnamese family, Brodeur declined to comment. Chronicle Reporters were not daunted by this, and instead asked Brodeur's dog, Luna, what's up with the former star.

Luna's dog was surprisingly glib: "That guy is such a fag. I mean, I'm a bitch without a uterus, but damn. He needs to get laid. Hey, wait. You can understand what I'm saying? Holy shit. Oh my god. How many fingers am I holding up? Jesus! You can talk! Wow! Hey, I've always wanted to know: Is it normal when an owner... uhh... never mind."

6 Comments:

Blogger TeddyTwoNames said...

i love you.

10:29 AM, November 01, 2006  
Anonymous Jessica Simpson said...

me too... I wish I was still a virgin so that you could be the one to do me for the first time, brodeur.

I don't care what those guys say. They're just jealous of your chubby good looks.

I'd do you.

6:10 PM, November 01, 2006  
Anonymous Zooey Deschanel said...

That slutty hoe has got nothing on me. I have a degree in Philosophy and am in three - that's right, three - bands.

Plus I'm pretty much perfect.

Hey Jessica, why don't you go suck Suzanne Summer's cock and choke and die.

Brodeur is mine!

6:12 PM, November 01, 2006  
Anonymous Jessica Simpson said...

FUCK YOU BITCH! I'M GONNA HACK INTO YOUR CELL PHONE AND STEAL ALL OF YOUR SEX PHOTOS!!

6:13 PM, November 01, 2006  
Anonymous Zooey Deschanel said...

Whatever. I haven't had sex in over a year. I've been waiting for Brodeur.

Which is more than you can say. What's it like having Dane Cook's fist up your ass?

Get your faux-face shit out of my internets and your raggedy ass ho bag bitch of a sister off of my television.

Srsly. I'm about to go Rhinoceros on your ass.

You've been warned.

6:15 PM, November 01, 2006  
Anonymous Dane Cook said...

Why do my fingers smell like chicken?

6:18 PM, November 01, 2006  

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