The Weekly Face Puncher: When Men Were Gods: The True Story of the Super Beach

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

When Men Were Gods: The True Story of the Super Beach

Sunday’s Super Beach turned out to be everything it was expected to be and more. Dubbed "The Greatest Sporting Event in the History of the World...Ever" by The San Francisco Chronicle, it featured more than it’s fair share of drama, supreme athleticism, shit talking, blood, the occasional racist comment, and the finest men to play the game. Or really, any game for that matter. These guys were true gentleman on and off the field, before and after the game, completely inebriated and dead sober, conscious and unconscious.

After an intense feud that consumed press outlets worldwide, the men of Team Black and Team Red hit the sand ready to make each other look like bitches, respectively. The first half was a dominant show of force by Team Black. Teddy TwoNames, hailed by many as the greatest athlete of all time as well as a noted philanthropist for his millions of dollars given to starving little black kids in Zaire or some place like that, threw up the first scores on the board. The first came off a spectacular pass from Carlos Morin, unwillingly given the nom de guerre "The Arab Assassin" by his loving teammates. After shaking the shit out of Adam"Big Irish" McBride, Twonames practically pranced into the end zone and blew kisses at the fans. He then scored off a short run.

Also making a significant impact in the first half was that little long haired kid Joey, who at I think about 5 foot 2 and a hundred pounds, would come out of fucking nowhere to make catches that no human being should be able to catch. Even though he’s white, it has been determined by scientists that he is actually Hall of Fame Receiver Jerry Rice’s Caucasian son. I mean, there’s really no way other way to explain it. On defense, big Anthony Green shook off fatigue and managed to take out his tongue ring in time to prove to be a real threat. He did this while wearing his bling, estimated to weigh somewhere around 35 pounds. At the half, the score was 3-3, or something.

After an entertaining half time extravaganza featuring a marijuana smoke show and beer fountains, the men on both teams gave a call to the big man upstairs and ordered him to brighten up the weather a bit. God immediately gave the men and the fans what they wanted, because as he explained it, "these guys are my proudest creation to date." The second half was an amazing comeback by Team Red. "Big Irish" McBride was virtually unstoppable with his quarterback sneaks, and seemed to get first downs by practically just laying down. Really. It got kind of ridiculous. Jim "Humble" McFadden, who later claimed to have single handedly ran the entire offense, also had some intense runs in Team Red’s epic marches down field. In post game interviews he claimed to be "bigger than Jesus and the Beatles combined" while chugging whiskey straight out of the bottle. Jin Voeks, somewhat of an oddity on Team Red simply because of his name and because he’s from Oregon, proved magnificent not only with his sloppy catches, but also with the way he could run his mouth. His shit talking was loud, overbearing, offensive, inappropriate, and bigoted, pretty much everything that the Facepunchers organization is about. He is expected to be releasing his first hard core rap album sometime in the spring. "Dirty" David DeChantal, recently released from prison and sporting a handlebar moustache favored by his "white brothers locked down in San Quin", also could not be stopped on defense. He did this without utilizing his "broomstick up the ass" technique he learned in the pen, something Team Black was enormously happy about.

In the end, Team Red took a commanding 7-4 lead, which proved insurmountable for Team Black. Although Team Black managed to come back to make it 7-6, Team Red used Jin’s buddy from Oregon, a former college player and part time tank, to make an incredible goal line stance in the last second of the game. Team Red was victorious on this day. The men, bloodied and exhausted from over 3 hours of intense play, made amends, signed autographs, and did some serious butt patting. And of course drank a bunch more. They later retired to a local bar to take questions from the press and bask in the glory of an amazing season.
*Author’s Note: Many, many other men (and a couple girlfriends) made this game and this season one that will never be forgotten. If your contribution was omitted...well...then sit down and write your own goddamn article.


Blogger Counts said...

Thanks for mentioning that I sacrificed my fucking toe for this game! We would have beat you by five if I had stayed in.

As soon as I can walk faster, I'm commin' for ya No-Names...

8:42 PM, November 14, 2006  
Blogger Vespilio said...

I am still disappointed that my attempt to take out McBride's knee with the back of my head failed. It could have been the turning point in the game.

Oh well. As the FNG I'm looking forward to next season’s debauchery.

1:52 PM, November 15, 2006  
Blogger McFadden said...

I'd like to thank the official sponsor of Team Red, Jim Beam whiskey. It is my guiding light.

Also, Counts has a point. However we're gonna put that fucking effed up toe on you tube real soon.

Damn, you drink a little whiskey and talk a little shit and everyone thinks you're an asshole. Oh, wait. Everyone already thought that....I am a golden god.

7:02 PM, November 16, 2006  
Blogger McFadden said...

PS. Can someone post like four more blogs so we don't have to look at the shit pictures anyomore?

7:03 PM, November 16, 2006  
Blogger TeddyTwoNames said...

i second that request from mcbride. los? anyone??

7:38 PM, November 16, 2006  
Blogger Los said...

whats wrong with shit? ill try and do it tonight. i need pictures though.

12:12 PM, November 17, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

5'2 100 lbs im neva gona get a rich chick that way man LOL dam I know ima mosquito but ooooweee 5'2 100bs mine as well call me skeeter nuts. Na im joking just got my email itz the lil long haird dude keep in touch yall and good game fellas c yall next time.

1:02 AM, November 21, 2006  
Blogger Los said...

lil mosquito. what are you doing up after 1 in the morning. shouldnt you be in bed sucking your thumb?

8:20 PM, November 21, 2006  

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