The Weekly Face Puncher

May 6th, Game Day Finalized

2007-05-01T21:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the game is on for this Sunday, May 6th. We kick off at 3:00pm. Be there.

Facepunchers Announce Season Opener

2007-04-11T14:57:00.000-07:00

It's official. Amid a near firestorm of press coverage, team co-founders Morin and McFadden announced at a much anticipated press conference that the 2007 season of the Facepunchers will kick off Sunday, April 22nd at Ocean Beach. After the applause finally died down, they were able to field some questions from the media...

"Now that the team has one season behind it, what have you learned that you might apply in the coming months?"

"Nothing."

"What do you have to say about the recent trouble involving Carlos and his drinking in the Tenderloin? Does he really plan to bring sexy back?"

"The Facepunchers organization has no comment at this time, except that we plan to unleash a spree of crime and looting the likes of which the 'loin has never seen."

"Does the league intend to take a stronger stance against off-field legal troubles the way the NFL has with Adam "Pacman" Jones and Chris Henry?"

"Absolutely not. It is every Facepuncher's right to get arrested. In fact, we may make it mandatory that every member of the team is taken into custody at least once for drunk and disorderly conduct during the season."

"Who will be your starting quarterbacks on opening day?"

"At this time, we have several talented prospects who show a lot of promise. But we'll probably let Carlos do it instead...we know how he feels about running when he's not chasing an ice-cream truck."

"How has Jim's recent deal to be the spokesman for Jim Beam Whiskey affected the team? How do you respond to critics that claim the organization is selling out?"

"The deal has had no effect on the team. Jim has always been powered by at least a bottle per game, and now he has found a way to get it for free. As for allegations of selling out, that's preposterous, we would never do such a thing. Anyone who knows that Jim Beam is the smoothest best-tasting whiskey on the market also knows that The Facepunchers are not for sale."

Morin and McFadden then angrily stormed out of the room, leaving reporters both stunned and confused. But one thing was for certain, The Facepunchers triumphant return to the sandiron is imminent.

This report brought to you by Jim Beam Whiskey--"the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

Face Punchers suffer devastating loss...Carlos Morin missing

2006-12-20T13:30:00.000-08:00

The Face Punchers were embarrased this past weekend with their first loss to Hard Core Flag Football. A ridiculous score of 98-8, the Face Punchers have contacted BALCO to inquire whether or not Hard Core players were on steroids. When asked what made him think they were on illegal growth hormones, Morin stated that "they were big and screamed alot...mostly at me".

The game started at exactly 1:30 with the Face Punchers taking possession. Shortly after being stuffed at the line, the Face Punchers opted to punt. A few plays later, Hard Core was in the endzone to make the score 1-0. The last two sentences repeated 16 times for a final score of 98-8. No, that's not a typo, it really was 98-8.

Carlos "The Arm" Morin, 3-time self-proclaimed MVP, could not live up to his name (that he respectfully gave to himself), throwing for a club record 6 interceptions and 5 yards passing. To add, his contract with the Face Punchers organization is in jeopardy. Reporters have tried to contact Morin but noone is answering at his Tenderloin Mansion. A sign outside his door reads, "Noone is here". A mat also lies on the floor reading, "Welcome", an interesting turn of events since noone is there to welcome you.

It was, however, a beautiful Sunday for football but Jesus Christ was certainly not with the Face Punchers, instead, he showed up sporting a rugby jersey and a sign that read, "If flags are for fags than call me Mary". Oh, Jesus. What a kidder.

Another sell-out crowd turned out with a total of 30 plus fans, all who received a cum towel at the gate from their favorite Face Puncher. Cum towel supervisor Claudia, was on hand to pass them out to the first 30 fans. "There's certainly more where these came from", she continued, "whoops!, I got some on my face...mmm, that's good".

Perhaps the greatest highlight of the day was a whale that beached for the day to watch the game. Wearing a black #90 Face Puncher jersey and a thumbs up for his favorite team, the beached whale cheered his team on. Hey whale, thanks.

The Face Punchers, now in the off-season, are not scheduled to return to the sand until spring for training camps and exhibition games.

Keep your pages turned to the Weekly Face Puncher to find out what your favorite player is doing. Chances are, it has something to do with homosexuality.

Correction: After this article was written, it was discovered that what was thought to be a beached whale was the Face Punchers center, Brett Sturgell, signaling to the crowd that he loves a nice thumb up his ass.

The End.

Facepunchers Sponsor First Ever Can-Opener Drive

2006-12-09T18:10:00.000-08:00

During today's press conference, The Facepunchers announced that they will Sponsor the first ever "Can-Opener Drive" to help the less fortunate this holiday season. The team's founders told confused reporters that, "with all the focus on canned-food drives, we realized that those in need would have no way to open all the cans they get." Carlos Morin and Jim McFadden, seen in the photo, then announced that the team is partnering with Tenderloin liquor stores to collect can-openers this December.

While reporters were at first skeptical of the team's commitment to helping the needy, they acknowledged that the can openers are in fact a necessity in opening the thousands of cans of creamed corn and spinach that canned food drives are expected to generate. The press did however, note that this may be another of the team's attempts to direct attention away from their most recent scandals and arrests.

One reporter was quick to mention the disastrous "Father-Bum Picnic", a way of reaching out to connect with local vagrants. The event quickly turned ugly as members of The Facepunchers used money recently awarded from a team sponsor of the event to aid the Tenderloin street urchins in purchasing several "fifty rocks" of crack, which were then smoked to fuel a city-wide rampage of death and destruction. The melee ended at at a local massage parlor where the entire group was arrested just as they were attempting to trade hub-cabs and stolen televisions for what would have amounted to what SFPD Chief Ron Ward described as "over one hundred happy endings".

Coach Nash seeked to assuage reporters' doubts, telling them that this event has only a "forty percent chance of involving crack smoking, and only a twenty percent chance of a happy ending." Nash then encouraged the city of San Francisco to join the team's cause, stating "the city's losers and crackheads need to open their cans of all the stuff you threw out because you wouldn't touch it with a twenty foot pole. Please, bring your can-openers to corner stores all across the Tenderloin."

When asked about The Facepuncher's upcoming contest against "Hardcore" Flag Football, Coach Nash was optimistic about the team's chances. "Oh yeah, those guys that play with little toy flags. We're gonna beat them and then use those little flags to tie them up and let the tide wash over their stupid heads."

Face Punchers To Square Off Against Hard Core

2006-11-30T01:29:00.000-08:00

The undefeated San Francisco Face Punchers have established their first rival, San Francisco Hard Core, a fag football team...whoops! excuse me, I meant flag football team. Both teams, led by Carlos "The Arm" Morin and Joe Ding Dong, have confirmed to reporters earlier this week, that the two powerhouses plan to meet on December 17th to find out who is king of the pigskin.

"We're ready", Morin says, "my boys don't chase flags around a field all day...they hit and they hit hard".

When asked about whether it was true that the score was already 2-0, Morin stated yes, saying that he had to promise them two touchdowns just to get them on the sand.
"It was pretty ridiculous", Morin said, "they actually accepted my offer". Morin went on to say that he "eats out bitches just like them".

The Face Punchers, a tackle football team, believes that flags are for fags. They began their season early this year playing tackle on the grass but made the switch to the beach just before the summer. They have risen to celebrity status as well as the most dominant team in their league. They are also the only team in their league, which clearly makes them # 1.

The Face Punchers played what they thought was their last game, The Super Beach, until they were challenged by Hard Core. Sources say the Face Punchers refused to play with flags on the grass and stated they would only play if it was tackle.
Hard Core agreed.

Not much can be said about Hard Core, except that they play with colorful flags and probably ghost runners.

One thing is for sure, they have their work cut out for them.

Face Punchers Trivia Challenge

2006-11-25T18:10:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the 1st annual Facepunchers Trivia Challenge. Here, our dedictated and ravenous fans have an opportunity to learn more about the mythology behind the undefeated Facepunchers. Test your knowledge about the gods among men that compose the roster of the 2006 team of destiny. For each correct answer, you must take a shot of whiskey. To play the game correctly, this whiskey must be Jim Beam (official sponsor of the Facepunchers) and it must be in a paper bag. Also, you must be drunk already. Let the games begin...

1) Which member of the Facepunchers currently shares a bunk-bed with another man? Hint: He has been described by local media as looking like "a young Marlon Brando with a drinking problem."

a. Rich Kahle (currently a third-string receiver in the Bitch Leagues)
b. Aaron Brodeur
c. Colby Pritchard
d. All of the above share what's called a" triple-decker" in the basement of The End-Up.

2) Who is the only Facepuncher to sustain injuries to each of his pinky toes? Hint: This player is sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon through the 2009 season.

a. Adam McBride
b. Teddy Two-Names
c. Jin-Claude Voeks
d. Peter Counts

3) Which Facepuncher once purchased $200.00 of alcohol at Safeway, despite having no food? Hint: He can also be seen wandering the streets of San Francisco drunk in a cow suit.

a. David Merkis
b. Jin Voeks
c. Carlos Morin
d. it is likely that all members of the team have done this at some point in their lives.

4) Which Facepuncher once took out a $500.00 bank loan to throw a party. Hint: He also recieved a blow-job from a transvestite in a furniture store.

a. Anthony "Greedy" Green
b. Brian "The Mic" McKelvey
c. Carlos Morin
d. no one on the team has ever had $500 at one time.

5) This Facepuncher is quoted as saying the following: "I would rather endure racial slurs than fat jokes." Hint: He's fat and black.

a. Taylor Haisch
b. Anthony Green
c. Justin Schmidt
d. there are no black Facepunchers

6) Which Facepuncher has twice been robbed at a San Francisco massage parlor? Hint: He also sprained his ankle in what history will remember as the first "unofficial" Facepunchers game while drunk in a parking lot at midnight after the Superbowl.

a. Mark Brown
b. Peter Counts
c. David DeChantal
d. Joey Bartlow

7) This Facepuncher has been on a pain-killer-fueled rampage ever since sustaining a toe-threatening foot injury while stomping an opponent's face? Hint: It's Taylor.

a. Taylor
b. Nick Callahan
c. Brett
d. according to SFPD Chief Ron "double-down" Ward, pain-killer-fueled rampages have been attributed to several of the 2006 Facepunchers. This information was relayed via satellite from his Las Vegas estate.

8) Which member of the 2006 squad has been known to frequently "break the white-trash rule", indulging in malt-liquor as early as 10:00 in the morning? Hint: He has a monkey-puppet named Ramon.

a. David "the mustache" De Chantal
b. Ramon
c. Adam McBride
d. Teddy Two-Names

9) He is the only Facepuncher to actually have his member flop out of his pants during league play. Hint: He didn't even stop running to tuck it back in.

a. Eric Meissner
b. David Merkis
c. Carlos Morin
d. Ramon

10) This Facepuncher has not held job in over a year. Hint: He's broke.

a. Jesse Hodge
b. Josh Brooks
c. Colby Pritchard
d. several of the Facepunchers fit into this category.

11) Which player's in-game attire has been described as looking like "a lesbian house-painter?" Hint: He's a Canadian, and thinks that the Facepunchers "play hockey on the sand."

a. Jim McFadden
b. Tyrone Shoelaces
c. Andrew Stych
d. none of the above, because we would never let a filthy Canadian on the field

12) This 2006 Facepuncher has literally hundreds of illegitimate children spread all across South America? Hint: In his FBI profile, he is known as either "Johnny Appleseed," "Hand Solo," or "The Spider."

a. Carlos Morin
b. Brett
c. Justin Schmidt
d. As an organization, the Facepunchers have fathered a total of over 100,000 bastard children across the globe

13) Which of the Facepunchers has intentionally pulled his shorts down revealing his bare hindquarters just moments before receiveing a pass? Hint: He was quoted after the game stating, "I thought the move would help me score one way or another."

a. Jin Voeks
b. Aaron Brodeur
c. Adam McBride
d. Ramon

14) This Facepuncher holds the current record for most T-shirts shredded during league play. Hint: As a result of this streak, he has faced several fines from the league office for violating the "no half-shirts policy".

a. Josh Brooks
b. Taylor Haisch
c. Teddy Two-Names
d. Jesse Hodge

15) Which of the Facepunchers has been quoted as saying his patented "racing stripes" give him an extra burst of speed on the sand? Hint: There is media speculation that this is actually a misquote, and the real statement reads "I like to do speed on the sand."

a. David De Chantal
b. Joey Bartlow
c. Eric Meissner
d. Aaron "I've been kicked off the team" Keane

16) This Facepuncher will be the likely recipient of the "Puff the Magic Dragon" Award for his consistent commitment to being stoned out of his gourd for the majority of FCBFL's games. Hint: Brodeur is hot on his heels for runner-up for this prestigious award.

a. Nick Callahan
b. Dean Holmes
c. Colby Pritchard
d. Taylor Haisch

17) This Facepuncher recently donned "wide-receiver gloves," only to remove them before the game, complaining that they "got sand on them." Hint: Claims to be sponsored by Nike.

a. Andrew Stych
b. Brett
c. Josh Brooks
d. Aaron Brodeur

18) Which Facepuncher has sustained the largest laceration during league play? Hint: This wound was treated by the time-tested method of "covering it with a hat and then playing more."

a. Teddy Two-Names
b. Jim McFadden
c. Dean Holmes
d. No one in the league can afford a hat

19) This player stands only four-foot seven and weighs in at eighty-four pounds. Hint: He has used his dimunitive stature as an advantage, often hiding in the pockets of opposing receivers, then popping out to snatch the ball at the last second.

a. Joey Bartlow
b. Anothony Green
c. Brett
d. Adam McBride

20) This Facepuncher has been referred to as "the Warren Sapp of the FCBFL after dominating the defensive line in the Super Beach. Hint: He's the one and only friend of receiver Jin Voeks.

a. Carlos Morin
b. Brett
c. Peter Counts
d. Jin doesn't have any friends

21) This Facepuncher is currently wanted by the FBI regarding a three-state crime spree involving a donkey, three strippers, and a trunk-full of heroin. Hint: He showed up over two hours late for the Super Beach.

a. Andrew Stych
b. Nick Callahan
c. Dan Lewis
d. Jesse Hodge

22) Which Facepuncher has actually admitted to having played flag football? Hint: He's one of three "Mic's" on the squad.

a. Brian McKelvey
b. Jim McFadden
c. Adam McBride
d. The Facepunchers would never allow any Irishmen or Scottsmen around our women

23) This co-founder of the team has been arrested for prostitution with Carlos Morin on Polk street dressed as an ugly, ugly woman. Hint: His legal defense consisted of showing up in court drunk wearing a baby carrier with a midget in it (also drunk) and screaming "I needs to feed my youngin'!"

a. Ramon
b. Jesse Hodge
c. Taylor Haisch
d. Jim McFadden

Answer Key: 1) b 2) d 3) b or d 4) c or d 5) b 6) a 7) a 8) a 9) b 10) a 11) c 12) c 13) c 14) c 15) c 16) c 17) c 18) c 19) a 20) b 21) b 22) a 23) d

Well, there you have it folks, the real story surrounding some of the myth and folklore that is the 2006 Facepunchers. Here is the scoring system to rate your knowledge of the greatest team ever to play any sport in the history of time--Let's see what category you fit into:

17-23--You are hereby an honorary Facepuncher, and an astute disciple of the Team of Destiny. Your knowledge of the team is second to none. Also, you're probably wasted.

12-16-- You are hereby an honorary Facepuncherette, still well-versed in team lore, but perhaps at times too intoxicated to recall some of the season's highlight-reel moments.

6-11-- You are at best, a casual fan-- a "bandwagon-rider" if you will. You probably started following the team after we won our first five and decided to jump on for the ride.

0-5-- You probably stumbled onto this site by accident looking for a dojo.

The Super Beach After Party... As Told in Pictures

2006-11-17T18:09:00.000-08:00

Super Beach After Party

2006-11-17T18:01:00.000-08:00

2006-11-17T17:52:00.000-08:00

Women at the Super Beach After Party

2006-11-17T17:29:00.000-08:00

Team Red Beats Team Black 7-6

2006-11-17T14:02:00.000-08:00

"Let there be light" - Jesus

On perhaps one of the most beautiful days to ever shine down on the San Francisco Face Punchers, Super Beach I was played.
The Face Punchers, the leagues most dominate team, arrived at the beach shortly after 1 with their war paint on. Captains Carlos "The Arm" Morin and Brian "If only I could be like Morin" McKelvey, opposing quarterbacks, met at the 50 yard line to engage in paper, rocks, scissors, the F.C.B.F.L's version of the N.F.L's coin toss.

Team Red took possession at the end-zone line with Brian McKelvey at the helm and # 1 draft pick, Adam McBride in the backfield. After running several unsuccessful plays and an interception to Lil' Mosquito for a turnover, Team Black took the ball for the first time.

Morin, perhaps the greatest quarterback to ever play the game, took the pigskin and really shoved it up Team Red's ass by throwing a bomb to Teddy Twonames for the first point of the game.
During the blast towards the end-zone, Team Black suffered their first injury of the day. New recruit Dean "John" Holmes endured a crack to the head and blood poured from his wound like 5-cent bled on BART. It was nasty, real nasty.

After another failed attempt by Team Red to score, Morin came through once again with a second touchdown pass to Lil' Mosquito for the second point of the game and gave Team Black a 2 point advantage. The future looked bleek for Team Red by this time but they finally came back and with a touchdown pass to Jin Voeks, made the score 3-1.

Later, Morin and his crew were stuffed on a fourth and goal conversion and were forced to give the ball back. Jim McFadden, upset by his teammates lack of passion, took the ball and ran it up Team Black's ass with several first down conversions and a hand-off to Adam McBride, to make the score 3-2.

After Team Red tied the score to 3-3, Team Black put their last point on the board before the half. Team Red followed shortly with 3 minutes left for the half to tie it up at 4.

The Halftime Show

This years halftime show was packed with star-studded celebrities and wild performances. Lady killers, Michael Bolton, Kenny Loggins and Milli Vanilli were this years special entertainers, driving the women crazy and keeping their pussies wetter than Morin and Brodeur in a hot spring.

But the real action wasn't at the half.

Tied at 4-4, Team Red changed their strategy and came out swinging. Team Black, unable to leave their own endzone, gave in to the fighting red and failed to produce any t.d's. Self proclaimed whiskey drinking mother fucker, Jim McFadden again came through but this time on defense. Responsible for several failed completions to willing receivers, McFadden shut down the passing game and allowed Team Red to score three more times on plays by Adam McBride, Jin Voeks and Brian McKelvey, to put the scoreboard at 7-4.

But McFadden and and his "D", came into check and after another phenomenal pass to Mark Brown, Team Black fought back to remain on Team Red's side of the sand. Team Black scored two more times to get the score back to 7-6 with catches by new recruits Dean "John" Holmes and Lil' Mosquito.

Team Red, trying to stop the rush, lost Peter Counts to a freak toe accident. A sight unbearable to all. Counts, who turned out fine, was rushed to the hospital and was out of the game permanently, hurting Red's chances at a possible victory.

But perhaps the most memorable play came with 5 minutes left in the game.

At first down, five yards out of tying the game, Team Black had four chances to capture the title. Several downs later and fourth, Morin rolled out left to find a receiver. There, in his chops, were Line Backer Adam McBride. Morin was hit but on his way down, let the ball go to a sailed out Dean Holmes.

But it wasn't enough and Team Black was shut down, leaving Team Red to wind down the clock, leaving them to frollick in their happiness.

But despite the outcome, it was a successful day for the San Francisco Face Punchers, who played to a sell-out crowd of 30 plus spectators.
The second season plans to be a huge hit with all of the remaining Face Punchers returning to camp, scheduled for sometime in April.

The Face Punchers, who have scheduled their Christmas Party and Awards Ceremony for December 17th, will issue the Dan Lewis Award, to the player who has exuded much assholeness, as well as the Alex Walterspiel Award, for the player that oozes Nazi Lesbianism at it's finest.

Stay tuned to The Weekly Face Puncher for more packed action.

Summary of The Super Beach

2006-11-15T17:02:00.000-08:00

Aaron Brodeur seems to be the most amazing person to play baseball.

I mean Hockey.

Oh, look! A sunset!

When Men Were Gods: The True Story of the Super Beach

2006-11-14T17:18:00.000-08:00

Sunday’s Super Beach turned out to be everything it was expected to be and more. Dubbed "The Greatest Sporting Event in the History of the World...Ever" by The San Francisco Chronicle, it featured more than it’s fair share of drama, supreme athleticism, shit talking, blood, the occasional racist comment, and the finest men to play the game. Or really, any game for that matter. These guys were true gentleman on and off the field, before and after the game, completely inebriated and dead sober, conscious and unconscious.

After an intense feud that consumed press outlets worldwide, the men of Team Black and Team Red hit the sand ready to make each other look like bitches, respectively. The first half was a dominant show of force by Team Black. Teddy TwoNames, hailed by many as the greatest athlete of all time as well as a noted philanthropist for his millions of dollars given to starving little black kids in Zaire or some place like that, threw up the first scores on the board. The first came off a spectacular pass from Carlos Morin, unwillingly given the nom de guerre "The Arab Assassin" by his loving teammates. After shaking the shit out of Adam"Big Irish" McBride, Twonames practically pranced into the end zone and blew kisses at the fans. He then scored off a short run.

Also making a significant impact in the first half was that little long haired kid Joey, who at I think about 5 foot 2 and a hundred pounds, would come out of fucking nowhere to make catches that no human being should be able to catch. Even though he’s white, it has been determined by scientists that he is actually Hall of Fame Receiver Jerry Rice’s Caucasian son. I mean, there’s really no way other way to explain it. On defense, big Anthony Green shook off fatigue and managed to take out his tongue ring in time to prove to be a real threat. He did this while wearing his bling, estimated to weigh somewhere around 35 pounds. At the half, the score was 3-3, or something.

After an entertaining half time extravaganza featuring a marijuana smoke show and beer fountains, the men on both teams gave a call to the big man upstairs and ordered him to brighten up the weather a bit. God immediately gave the men and the fans what they wanted, because as he explained it, "these guys are my proudest creation to date." The second half was an amazing comeback by Team Red. "Big Irish" McBride was virtually unstoppable with his quarterback sneaks, and seemed to get first downs by practically just laying down. Really. It got kind of ridiculous. Jim "Humble" McFadden, who later claimed to have single handedly ran the entire offense, also had some intense runs in Team Red’s epic marches down field. In post game interviews he claimed to be "bigger than Jesus and the Beatles combined" while chugging whiskey straight out of the bottle. Jin Voeks, somewhat of an oddity on Team Red simply because of his name and because he’s from Oregon, proved magnificent not only with his sloppy catches, but also with the way he could run his mouth. His shit talking was loud, overbearing, offensive, inappropriate, and bigoted, pretty much everything that the Facepunchers organization is about. He is expected to be releasing his first hard core rap album sometime in the spring. "Dirty" David DeChantal, recently released from prison and sporting a handlebar moustache favored by his "white brothers locked down in San Quin", also could not be stopped on defense. He did this without utilizing his "broomstick up the ass" technique he learned in the pen, something Team Black was enormously happy about.

In the end, Team Red took a commanding 7-4 lead, which proved insurmountable for Team Black. Although Team Black managed to come back to make it 7-6, Team Red used Jin’s buddy from Oregon, a former college player and part time tank, to make an incredible goal line stance in the last second of the game. Team Red was victorious on this day. The men, bloodied and exhausted from over 3 hours of intense play, made amends, signed autographs, and did some serious butt patting. And of course drank a bunch more. They later retired to a local bar to take questions from the press and bask in the glory of an amazing season.
*Author’s Note: Many, many other men (and a couple girlfriends) made this game and this season one that will never be forgotten. If your contribution was omitted...well...then sit down and write your own goddamn article.

Black vs Red...Brodeur Talks Shit, Literally

2006-11-10T13:39:00.000-08:00

Former Bitch League star, Aaron Brodeur who was just recently brought back to the Face Punchers roster, has been talking much shit lately about the upcoming Super Beach.

The only problem is, he has no idea what he's talking about.

Brodeur, who enjoys reading, writing and drawing never did have a liking for sports or football for that matter.
Raised a little girl, he enjoyed skipping rope, hide and seek and "tag", games only a girl could enjoy, so it's no wonder that when he was encouraged to "talk shit" to the opposing team, he did just that. Instead of insulting the opposing players with remarks about their playing ability, Brodeur educated himself on human feces or "shit" as it's well known.

Brodeur spoke all kinds of shit about his rivals. Runny shit, thick shit, shit filled with nuts and shit sometimes littered with blood were Brodeurs specialty. He even talked about shit that was hard to come out.
But Brodeur, who thought he was talking "shit" correctly, later found out he wasn't.
While in a heated debate with Justin Schmidt about what team was better, Brodeur started discussing shit. Schmidt turned to Brodeur and said, "what the hell are you talking about?".
Brodeur then said, "I'm talking shit".

The conversation ended very quickly after that.

Brodeur starts this Sunday and sources say, he'll be talkin' shit.

Face Punchers Notes:

Jim McFadden still has nipple rings. Brian McKelvey is from Jersey and famed full back Adam McBride thinks white people are better than mexicans.

2006-11-08T16:14:00.000-08:00

Red Team Gets Drunk and Reveals Secret Game Plan

During a night of heavy drinking at local hot spot the High Tide the red team revealed their secret game plan for the highly anticipated super beach.
"Well first we’re going to run up the middle then score, then we’re going to throw and score then we’re going to get prostitutes… wait don’t tell my girlfriend I said that" slurred red team player Adam McBride as he exposed his right testicle to three female crack heads.
The red team, unbeknownst that a Ken Bastida from local channel 5 news was behind them with cameras rolling, ranted and raved about how they would dominate Sunday’s game and most likely make Morin cry.
"The field will be littered with Morin’s tears so much so that it will simulate high tide", David De Chantal was quoted as saying while he beat vagrants with what can only be described as a war club.
Several secret plays were then written on napkins and passed around the bar. These plays pictured above included: exploit Green’s lack of speed, make Carlos cry, stick josh when he does his stupid spin move, push mark on the ground and kick sad in his face, and get Arron drunk. All of which the team has been practicing on a regular basis.
After all plays had been passed around star receiver Jin Voeks ate them to protect their secrecy then without warning showed everybody his penis to prove he was not gay, this reporter still has his doubts.
The team then finished their cosmopolitans and left the bar abruptly after a very ugly blonde woman, pictured above, walked in and offered every red team member a blow job.
The red team was last seen by this reporter battling dungeness crabs on the corner of Geary and Leavenworth.

Psychics weigh in on this Sunday's Super Beach

2006-11-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

In the late edition of today's SF Chronicle world renowned psychics give their predictions for this Sunday's much anticipated game.
-Miss Cleo from those info-mercials (famous for her "call me now") predicted that she dun know bout de game but she's sure that self proclaimed star Morin will buckle under de pressure. Seen!
-Reverend Jesse James prophecized that his brothers in arms Anothony non-athletic Green and Josh (can't think of a clever name) will fall victim to the supression of the white man McBride and Dechantel. Hallelujah!
-In a unexpected turn of events Rasta man made a statement and it turns out that he wasn't actually jibber jabbing he was spreading the word of the lord. He's been quoted as Morin who if he doesnt produce, all the blame will be on him because he picked a shitty team. Will be sobbing from all the bombardment of the Reds D. and he may consider going back to baseball.
-And in the factor to end all arguements those pencil pushers and MIT geeks of Vegas have put out the spread and it shows the Red team ahead by a smooth 5 points. So place your bets ladies and gents.

With these results in it's inconclusive that the Red team will win.
This is Dan Rather's signing off for ABC news

2006-11-06T19:01:00.000-08:00

Carlos Morin Hurt, Black Team Devastated

In a not so surprising turn of events Carlos Morin's neck finally gave out under the weight of his swelling head. Carlos's neck, which had made a valiant effort to support his head all year, could simply not hold all the weight from the bullshit Carlos has been filing his head with. One witness to the incident, local bum Crazy Jamie Fox, said, "man his head was like four time bigger the George Lopez and thats a big fucking head". The crack head was of course referring to the Mexican actor/comedian who happens to be Carlos's idol as well as his secret gay crush.
It was also said that Carlos, pictured to the left in his white undershirt, had suffered a severe concussion from the incident. As one tenderloin child put it, " we saw that big head and of course we thought it was a pinata so when he feel on the ground we grabbed what we could and beat him to try to get the candy out." Carlos who could not be reached for comment was heard screaming like
a girl from the marina as the five to seven year olds beat him about as hard as a five year old can beat someone.
Carlos who is the out of shape Quarterback for the Black team will be put on the injured reserve list for the superbeach and will be the designated blowjob giver for the red team.
When legendary Coach Omar Nash was asked what he thought about the incident he responded, "you mean his isn'td isn't a pinata. I mean look at the fucking guy." Mr. Nash then when on a tirade of incoherent drunken ramblings involving a puppy and peanut butter.
During a press conference for the red team star Jin Voeks was asked how he felt Carlos's injury would effect the dynamics of the super beach. "If Carlos isn't there it just means thats one less person to suck my cock when I win... wait did I say that, I'm not gay I swear." Voek then proudly displayed his member to a woman walking down the street to prove to this chronicle reporter that he was not gay.
The rest of the black team could not be reached for comment but they did release a statement about their feelings on the incident. "After a lot of crying and holding each other we, the black team, would just like to say that without our gay leader we are nothing but a bunch of poo-poo eating dodie heads and in exchange for the red team to going easy on us during the super beach we will offer them our women". The red team responded to the statement by saying that they had already had the black team's women and that the black team should look forward to the most humiliating experience of their lives on Sunday.

TEAM BLACK!!! Expected To Make Team Red Look Like the Bitches That They Are

2006-11-04T23:38:00.000-08:00

Next week's much anticipated Super Beach is sure to be a star studded event. According to White House spokesman Ari Fleisher, President Bush has allready purchased his front row tickets from some gay guy on craigslist for an astounding $6,000. The girls from Flavor of Love are scheduled for a nude wrestling match prior to the singing of the national anthem, including the one who shit on the floor. Even Hugh Hefner and his "Girls Next Door" are arriving via helicopter. According to Hef, he's looking forward to seeing "that strikingly good looking TeddyTwonames tear that big irish guy with the sideburns a new asshole." His girls affirmed this by showing the questioning reporter their breasts.

One thing that all these celebrities, a recent Gallup poll involving 98% of the American public, every single employee at ESPN, that Chinese guy that works at Walgreen's, and your mom have in common, is that they agree that TEAM BLACK!!! not only has much larger penises, but that they will also make team red question their manhood and their sexuality by scoring like a million points and then kicking sand in team red's face when they are crying like little bitches.

TEAM BLACK!!!'s roster is quite impressive.

Most point to Morin's multiple MVP awards, which, it must be noted, were achieved this year in the face of an estrogen doping scandal, and his tumultuous gay love affair with Andy Dick. Oh and Jim "nipple rings" McFadden. They had some kinky thing going on, too. Morin's deceptively unathletic, overwieght build hides the heart of an Aztez warrior who really kinda looks Arab. But whatever. The man can move.

Mr. Twonames, who has also gone through his fair share of "silly bullshit with stupid bitches", has also completely dominated the #1 draft pick adam "i think i look cool with my hat curled up" in the front" mc o' mac bride on the sand this season. Calls to his agent, who it turns out really is his mother, could not confirm his last name. She only said mcbride was taking a "nappy nap" and had just wet his bed. Twonames is not only faster, he has also learned to tap into his crime ridden past and his superior athletic talent in order to score whenever the hell he wants and
scare the shit out of whoever is in front of him.

In addition, TEAM BLACK!!! has Josh Brooks and Anthony Green, two studs on the sand this season who have not only actually played organized football before, but who are also African-American, which is cool. Plus Green is really big, and Josh is fast and wears these football gloves he got at Target (on sale).

Aaron Brodeuer, now sober, is also expected to do more than swat footballs away from him when they come near. More than likely, he'll suplex that little skinhead looking Brian guy from New Jersey when he tries to pass the ball. This is according to some homeless guy on the corner of Jones and Geary in San Francisco, CA.

Joe Montanta released a public statement Tuesday confirming that he thinks that "Mark Brown is going to place his testicles in Jin's head while scoring touchdowns and winking at his girl". Mr. Montanta's wife was by his side when this statement was given on NBC, and she is seen nodding vigorously in agreement.

Nick Somebody, David Merkes, Tailor Haisch, Andrew Stych, having recently ran their own NFL training camp attended by the hapless Raiders and 49'ers, are also expected to be in top form as usual.

The athletic specimen's that compose TEAM BLACK!!! can be seen from these various press pics above. There's also a pic of a bunch of girls getting down to business, but I swear, I don't know how that got in there.

Face Punchers Earn Their 11th...Head to Super Beach

2006-11-04T13:43:00.000-08:00

With Adam McBride at the helm, the Face Punchers won their 11th straight game this past Sunday, making them a favorite to win the coveted Super Beach. McBride was a double threat on offense while rushing for 300 yards and passing for another 200 for a total of 500 total yards...i think.

This weeks most valuable player? Carlos Morin. Morin, who completed one pass and made zero receptions was hands-down the most valuable of them all.
"It's not whether you threw for several hundred yards and run for even more...it's how you play the game that counts the most. For example, I had a great attitude out there. I patted the guys on the ass, said 'way to go' a few times. I even checked out McBrides girl a few times...made her feel pretty and everything. Shit, I'm sure it's not everyday she gets checked out", stated Morin.

"What a load of crap!", said McBride, shortly after finding out that he wasn't voted MVP. "That guy (Morin) is a piece of shit! Just because he's a good looking guy, is Latin and great with the ladies doesn't make him best man on the sand."

League officials were scrutinized this week over the decision to make Morin the MVP based solely on his "good attitude" and Latino-charming ways but when officials were asked to double-check the league manual, it stated there in brown and white,
section 2122, article 1: "any player with a great personality, says "way to go" to others, and hits on other females beside his own for the sole purpose of making them feel good about themselves will be deemed MVP"

The Face Punchers Manual, which coincidentally was written by Morin, will be reviewed by League Officials Raul and Lupe Morin, Carlos's parents. The chances of any changes coming from this are next to impossible.

Mr. MVP and the rest of the Face Punchers will be on the sand once again this Sunday at 2:00 for their last and final game...the Super Beach.

Face Punchers notes:
Due to vaginal problems, Adam McBride and Brian McKelvey are not expected to show to this Sundays game. Both players will not be missed.

Face Puncher Caught Punching Face

2006-10-31T21:53:00.000-08:00

Face Puncher Bitchette Aaron Brodeur left Sunday's game early claiming he had been, "... hit in the [sic] face" by Teddy Twonames' ".. oversized and, personally, a bit too round for my taste, heel." However, recent reports from fans state that Brodeur was caught near the concrete walls applying blush to his ocular region. Speculation that is circulating suggests the injury may have been a fake.

Or, others contend, he could be simply wearing makeup these days.

Fans also stated Brodeur was also seen in the parking lot shortly after leaving the field, next to his "janky-ass old-ass broke-ass Beetle" punching himself in the face. When Face Punchers fan and season ticket holder Henry O'Duel confronted Brodeur and asked him what he was doing, O'Duel was surprised by the answer: Training.

After interviewing Brodeur's agent several times, The Chronicle uncovered some dark secrets about the Bitch Leagues (a football reform school nestled in the forested hills of Panama). Allegations include: Sex, Anal Sex and Self Mutilation.

"The practice of punching oneself in the face is widely practiced," Stated former bitch leaguer Corky Morin, son (or daughter?) of one of the founding fathers of the Face Punchers League, "And even encouraged by Bitch League camp. I mean, I'm seriously surprised that's all you caught him doing. I mean, did you guys even smell his fingers? That's a good way to judge if the training 'stuck'."

And the training did stick, apparently: Brodeur caught two out of seven 'practice' passes from legend and founder Carlos Morin. It should be noted, fellow Face Punchers were quick to point out, two of the caught practice throws were do-overs. During the game, Brodeur maintained an average of .337, and scored two home runs. He also played goal keeper for several periods.

Seen having a cup of coffee with his dog at a local diner owned by a Vietnamese family, Brodeur declined to comment. Chronicle Reporters were not daunted by this, and instead asked Brodeur's dog, Luna, what's up with the former star.

Luna's dog was surprisingly glib: "That guy is such a fag. I mean, I'm a bitch without a uterus, but damn. He needs to get laid. Hey, wait. You can understand what I'm saying? Holy shit. Oh my god. How many fingers am I holding up? Jesus! You can talk! Wow! Hey, I've always wanted to know: Is it normal when an owner... uhh... never mind."

Punchers Announce Draft Picks...McBride Chosen # 1

2006-10-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

And so it's done. The draft for the 1st annual Super Beach, which was comprised of the best players of the Full-Contact Beach Football League, was complete this past Sunday making Adam McBride the top overall pick. Teddy Twonames, seen in the photo shaking hands with Team Black Captain Carlos Morin, came in second while Josh Brooks, seen flashing gang signs, was a close third.

McBride dominated the sand this season and will have his work cut out for him. He'll most likely be battling 2nd draft pick, Twonames on the opposite side of the line. Both players will be tested.
Carlos Morin and Brian McKelvey, both team captains, met this past Sunday at the Clift Hotel amongst reporters, media and the general public, to discuss details regarding the game as well as conduct the draft.
Results from the draft are the following:

Team Black

Carlos Morin
Teddy Twonames
Josh Brooks
Mark Brown
Nick Somebody
Taylor Haisch
Aaron Brodeur
Anthony Green
Andrew Stych
David Merkes

Team Red

Brian McKelvey
Adam McBride
Jim McFadden
Peter Counts
Jin Voeks
David De Chantal
Colby Pritchett
Eric Meiser
Justin Schmidt
Jesse Hodge

November 12th ladies and gentleman, be there.

Brian McKelvey To Star On A&E's "Intervention"

2006-10-19T16:17:00.000-07:00

This weeks episode of A & E's hit show "Intervention", will feature a familiar face, 2nd string Face Punchers quarterback Brian McKelvey. McKelvey was recruited by the Face Punchers organization in late May as a backup quarterback to Carlos Morin, the obvious star of the team and local celebrity. As the season went on, Brian, a little white boy from Jersey, relished in his position.

McKelvey, who eventually began to get increased playing time, completed few passes, but none comparable to the consistency and accuracy of Morin's. His little talent and average skills eventually weighed in on his head, thus causing him to gloat and brag about his meager abilities.

Unfortunately his condition, friends say, was unsurmountable, leaving loved ones to worry about his well-being.

Why? "Because he's not that good", friends say. Brian's friends, seen in the photo, have done everything to convince him he actually sucks, and are down to their last straw. In a last effort, they have agreed to allow A & E's "Intervention" to take over.

The hit documentary show profiles people who are losing the battle with their addictions, and whose friends and families feel the only remaining option is to hold an intervention. Brians addiction is himself.

Each documentary follows the lives of these addicts, taking an unflinching look at the impact of their addictions on their everyday lives, all while the addicts are unaware that an intervention is being planned.

Each airing ends with friends, family and a professional interventionist urging the addict to undergo treatment. If the individual should choose treatment, the addict immediately enters a widely respected treatment facility.

"We never thought it would get this bad", fellow teammates say, "all he does is talk about how good he is and how great of a quarterback he is...it's ridiculous 'cause he's really not that great". "Sure he's made a pass or two but come on, any one can do what he does".
"We just want him to get help and talk to someone, he doesn't listen to us anymore."

Unfortunately for Mckelvey, under the contract he signed, it states that any "2nd string player recruited to allow the starting player a break, requires life assistance through any type of therapy, he will be responsible for payment to the institution".
Morin, Brian's mentor, will be working very, very closely with Brian's girlfriend to see that he receives all the assistance he needs.
"If I have to stay up all hours of the night with his ladyfriend to get him the help he needs, I will, and trust me, I look forward to spending time with her", stated Morin.

The show will air this coming Monday at 9:00 p.t. on A & E.

Face Punchers Win Their Tenth...Savage Sadie Voted M.V.P.

2006-10-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

Chalk up another one for the San Francisco Face Punchers. They have reached their 10th victory in a row, making them undefeated in the F.C.B.F.L. The Punchers, who are ranked first in the league in all offensive and defensive categories, were unruly this afternoon with "Savage Sadie" bringing home the title of Most Valuable Pussy.

Ms. Savage was all over the sand with three unassisted tackles as well as four receptions earning her the right to play with the big boys.
"Boo ya bitch!", she yelled, while standing above Teddy Twonames, just after ringing his bell. Twonames, who was shaken up after the play said, "I rolled around to the left and saw an opening, I turned it up and boom, she was there. Next thing I know they were carrying me off the field...that bitch is crazy". Josh, the only player sponsored by Nike and the only dumbass who actually bought wide receiver gloves, was another victim of the "Savage". "Yeah, she's tough. You just gotta avoid her. Otherwise you wind up hurt" - Josh, in reference to "Savage".
"Shes a fuckin' man", stated Jin Voeks, "I had a crush on her when I met her but after she took me off my feet, I hate her".

The San Franciso Chronicle interviewed Savage on her playmaking skills and here is her interview:

SFC: Hi Savage. That was a helluva game you played out there today. How do you feel?

SS: I feel pretty damn good. I came out here today to play some ball and prove my worth to this team and I think I did pretty well.

SFC: You made some key tackles out there. Is this the last we've heard of you?

SS: Shit no. Ill be back in two weeks. I plan to hit McFadden too. That son-of-a-bitch talks alot of noise.

SFC: Savage, where does all your aggression come from?

SS: Well, my boyfriend Jin Voeks has problems getting his dick hard, so I haven't had sex since I dated Morin, our star quarterback. Jin is working on his problem but from what I understand, it stems from a childhood incident involving a priest.

SFC: Savage, thanks so much for your time. We'll see you in two weeks.

The Face Punchers play in two weeks back at their home stadium of Ocean Beach.

Kahle Beaten By Rabid Fan, Out For Season

2006-10-07T15:02:00.000-07:00

In a startling turn of events this week, Facepuncher Richard Kahle was attacked by a fanatical fan and may miss the rest of the season as a result of his injuries. While leaving a Black Panther Party meeting in the heart of the Tenderloin, Rich, wearing the white shirt, was accosted by Al Smyth, a long-time fan of Facepunchers football. Al, approaching Rich under the premise of collecting donations for the "I Hate Whitey Foundation," grabbed Rich by his hair and slammed him to the ground, as seen in the photo. Al then proceeded to kick Rich repeatedly, screaming "You don't even care about the team at all... and cut your hair, you look like you're wearing a coonskin cap!"

Rich, a Facepuncher recently in danger of being demoted to the Bitch Leagues due to his lackluster showing this season and overall low level of committment to the team, is in critical condition at St. Francis Hospital. When asked what this would mean for the team, Coach Nash had this to say: "Rich who? Oh, that guy with the hair. Was he on the team?" Visibly drunk on Winner's Cup vodka, Coach Nash then told reporters he had to go because he's "got to get back to my boat over international waters before the man deports me." Just before exiting the room he then shouted, "do any of you ladies out there want to get married? I can play the kazoo!"

Al, now in custody at the Tenderloin station under the care of Police Chief Ron Ward, was unrepentant when he spoke with reporters earlier this morning. "He had it coming, everyone knows that. The hair, the slacking off, the 'pectoral injuries', it was all a bunch of bullshit. He needed to get taught a lesson for letting the team down." When asked if he would do it all again, Al stated, "Hell yes, the Facepunchers are a huge hit with the prison community. I get treated like a king in here for what I did to help the team. By the way, I gotta go fellas, my Chardonnay and lobster salad are ready."

Though he was heavily sedated, Rich did have a few words for the Chronicle in regards to the assault, and he expressed disappointment that he would miss the Father-Bum picnic later this month: "I was really looking forward to connecting with our crack-smoking brothers and sisters of the Tenderloin. Also, I like picnics."

Team co-founders Morin and McFadden released a public statement in an attempt to put yet another scandal to rest. "We at Facepunchers Headquarters were both shocked and mildly annoyed to hear about this kind-of-tragic incident. We applaud Al's decision to take the law into his own hands, and hope that prison is as kind to him as it was to us. Also, we are pleased and relieved to hear that this latest scandal does not involve gay love, midgets, river-boat gambling, or that hooker we accidentally suffocated in Brodeur's trunk."

San Francisco Face Punchers Bruise Their Way to 9-0

2006-10-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

The San Francisco Face Punchers bruised their way to their 9th victory this weekend, bringing them closer to the coveted Super Beach.
Jin Voeks, this weeks M.V.P., was on his game Sunday catching several passes for touchdowns. Since his arrival to the organization, he has supplied speed and strength, not not to mention good hands. Josh the barback and TeddyTwoNames were given honorable mentions for their playmaking skills.

The game, which started around 3 p.m., featured two new players by the names of Nick and Eric. Nick, standing 6'3", did well in his first start with the Face Punchers, catching key passes and displaying great footwork. Eric, also making his debut, proved to be trouble for the opposition with his acrobatic like moves and ever-so-loving hands. The two are excited at their new spots on the team.

David Merkis, who was just recently inducted into the league, will more than likely be facing fines this week for his blatant acts of nudity. While carrying the ball on two occasions, Merkis's shorts and underwear slid down to his kness, revealing what some say was "the equivalent to the package of a pubescent boy". On one of those runs, Merkins was one man away from the goal line when Morin, the tackler had to "bump" him out of bounds rather than wrap up and tackle. "I saw him coming and when his his unit popped out, I opted to push him out of bounds instead of taking him down...I've been there before and let me tell you something...I wasn't drunk enough to wrap up", replied Morin.

Merkins, who may not be aware of the rules since his recent induction, should receive word from the commisioners office at the end of the week.

The Face Punchers, who marked their territory in spray paint on the concrete levee, will be back on the sand in two weeks.

Greetings From The Bitch Leagues!

2006-09-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Sorry I haven't been able to write in a while. Things have been pretty tough here at the Bitch League training camp. But as Coach Stewart Nash (Omar's gay cousin and current director e meritus of the bitch leagues) always says, "Push harder and longer than you ever have before, and therein will you find release."

It's been so great here. You guys have no idea. Our mornings start bright and early with tea in the common room, which is basically one of those giant inflatable jumpy castle things in the middle of our field. There we go over our daily routine beforehand. Like Coach Stewart always says, "When you make a plan to do something, you better fucking follow through you fat ass piece of shit."

A typical day goes like this:

Morning time: Exercise consisting of crunches, circle-jerking and playing "tails", which is pretty much a game where we all put on little fake animal tails (all different kinds! I'm a monkey!) and chase eachother around to hone our predatory instincts. The goal is to get as many tails as possible by ripping them violently from the backs of your fellow bitches... It's a very fun game and I think you'd like it a lot!

Right now I'm wearing very tight pants!

Mid-morning: Around 11am, Coach Stew brings us to what he calls the "Command and Control" room, which is a big steel box, pretty much, with all sorts of hanging chains and leather stuff. Pretty creepy. But there is a table in the center where we have our Strategies class. Basically we get to color in whatever coloring book we want, and play mouse trap. I'm not very good at mouse trap. After we've played the strategy games, which help us understand the basic princiipal of punching someone's face, we go outside for our crafts time. Here's a picture of me working on building a device that illustrates some passing techniques!

Lunch: After craft time, we have lunch. Richard Kahle, who was recently sent here to take some advanced attendance and and whining courses, is a really good mediterranean cook! We eat dolmas all day, and after eating til we are full to the brimmy-brim, we bask in the sun as the good fraternity of brotherhood that we are. Some times I lay on my stomach but that usually makes me want to pee :( Sometimes when we are laying in the sun, we catch coach Stew watching us from the woods. He's a naughty man sometimes!

Afternoon: Usually after an hour or two, we hit the field. I like tapioca. So anyway, we play on the field, practicing our footwork mostly. Coach Stew makes us all play without shirts on! Like coach Stew always says, "Skin is skin. Bend over." Here's a picture of me on the line!

Sometimes people like Elder get injured, and we immediately stop playing! There was once that I chipped a nail and it was so nice to have everyone around, asking if I was ok... touching me... comforting me... caressing... loving... We have to look out for our own, and we're absolutely not out for blood! Like Coach nash always says, "If you're bleeding, it means you're going too hard!" Even if it's in broad daylight, we usually hold a candlelight vigil for the hurt. We care very much for eachother. Very very much.

Late Afternoon: If all goes as planned, we usually have a quick spa break at around 3:30 where we get to choose between a facial, a mud bath, a golden shower or a full body (inside and out! Coach Stew is very thorough!) massage. After that, we have our awards ceremony!

Basically every day we get awards for the things we do, even if we don't do anything. That's something.

Here's a picture of me "loving on" (as we in the league call it) fellow bitch Ashton McElbows.

Anyways guys, I'm late! We're going on a special field trip to the ballet and I haven't found a date yet! I'm thinking about asking Elder. Wish me luck!

Oh I almost forgot! The last picture is our class photo... But we took it before Elder and Rich showed up, so most of the faces our strangers to you, I'm sure! Have a great night I think about you guys all the time and miss you very very much!!!!!!!!!

<3 Aaron

Face Punchers Punch Their Way To 8-0...Morin Voted MVP

2006-09-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

The San Francisco Face Punchers were victorious again yesterday to remain on top of the F.C.B.F.L.

Defense dominated the first 45 minutes of the game but after Mark Brown caught a touchdown pass, the game opened wide up. Fearful line Backers Teddy Twonames and Adam McBride kept Morin and his crew from running the ball until Morin took to the air, completing nearly 100% of his passes, making him the obvious choice for MVP. Morin, also a surprising threat on defense, intercepted 3 passes and kept the opposing quarterbacks looking elsewhere.

Jesse and Peter Counts, both rival receivers, turned out to be the secret weapons for their respective teams while catching key passes for touchdowns and making several tackles. It should also be noted that Jin Voeks was tackled by Peter Counts, and that's no bullshit.

Two new recruits added to their victory this past Sunday with David Melker at quarterback and Colby Pritchard at safety. The two recruits have proven their ability to play with the Face Punchers and will be an exciting addition to the team.

The Face Punchers, who have scheduled their awards ceremony for sometime in November, take to the sand in two weeks.

Jin-Claude Van Damme to Sponsor Face Punchers

2006-09-16T03:30:00.001-07:00

Jin-Claude Van Damm, superstar action hero, has decided to sponsor the #1 Face Punchers. Damm, who you may have seen in such films as Cyborg, Bloodsport and his most famous role in Lionheart, will supply the team with jerseys, equipment and anything else they may need.

Van Damme, seen above, heard about the Face Punchers only recently and was impressed with their commitment, dedication and not too mention, masterbation.

The Face Punchers are scheduled to play tomorrow at Ocean Beach at 3:00. Van Damme will be on hand to sign autographs.

McBride Arrested for Crimes of Passion

2006-09-15T03:28:00.000-07:00

It seems that another scandal has hit the Face Punchers, but this time it's personal. Adam McBride, starting fullback, was arrested and charged earlier this week for what authorities are calling a "crime of passion".
Sources say that this past Sunday, while celebrating the engagement of fellow Face Puncher Carlos Morin, McBrides lady friend "hugged and was affectionate" with a black man. That black man was Anthony Green, the newest recruit to the Face Punchers organization.

Green, who has a liking for "white women" was also celebrating the special event when he spotted the unavailable girlfriend, walked over and "spit game", as he calls it, to the woman. The two hugged for a moment, making McBride furious.
Witnesses say that after the party was over, Green and McBride departed the building for what insiders say was a friendly cockfight. Confused at the lack of yardbirds, witnesses followed to find both men with their dicks out, violently swinging them at each other.

When it appeared that Green had McBride in a "knot", a move in which one dick overpowers the other cutting off significant circulation, McBride shouted profanities, which eventually led to a brawl. When authorities arrived, Green unknotted his cock and escaped into the Tenderloin leaving McBride to face the music.

Sources also state that McBride is an active Ku Klux Klan member and this year, is in the running for "Grand Wizard". If elected, he will be expected to serve at least 4 years.
Authorities believe that his beliefs were brought into play which caused the assault.

McBride, seen here in his mug shot, was booked into the San Francisco jail. His bail was set at $250,000.

It is unknown whether or not McBride or Green will be available for Sundays game.

Face Punchers to Hold 1st Annual Father/Bum Picnic

2006-09-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

The San Francisco Face Punchers, who are undefeated in the F.C.B.F.L., are holding their 1st Annual Father/Bum Picnic, this month.

In a season filled with scandals, allegations and unruliness, the organization this time, has opted for goodness. The father/bum picnic, designed to give back to the crackheads, will feature your favorite Face Puncher escorting their choice of bum to Golden Gate Park. Each father/bum will participate in several activities to include the crack race, wheelchair race and bobbing for pipes.

Face Punchers founder Carlos Morin, who has been working with "Crazy" Jamie Fox to work out the details, says the plans are working out well.
"The guys and I are really looking forward to spending time with our favorite crackhead. It's time to start understanding and stop misunderstanding", Morin continued, "I've been working very closely with the crackheads to find peace and this is just what we need".

The Face Punchers are scheduled to play this Sunday at Ocean Beach.

Face Punchers Girlfriend Found With Stolen Chihuahua...Says, "I Got Your Chihuahua Right Here!"

2006-09-05T20:36:00.001-07:00

In a bizarre incident this morning, the Chihuahua dubbed "Chemo", was rescued from the grasp of a local woman. Who was that local woman, that selfishly stole the pet of a dying cancer patient? Raya, that's who, the girlfriend of Face Puncher superstar, Taylor Haisch.

On Saturday, September 2nd, Chemo the Chihuahua, beloved pet of an 8 yr. old cancer patient, was found missing from the front seat of the family car. Investigators say, that while parked in the parking garage of the San Francisco Childrens Hospital, Raya, sneaked in, broke the passenger side window and fled with the dog.

News of the story broke first thing Sunday morning.

The suspect, who claims that "Chemo started shit with her", is the girlfriend of Taylor Haisch, a starting cornerback and free safety for the San Francisco Face Punchers. The Face Punchers, who have exploded onto the scene with their nitty gritty style football, are ranked 1st in the Full-Contact Beach Football League.
They are also sole owners of every first place category including:
1. most alcohol consumed before a game.
2. most alcohol consumed during a game.
3. most alcohol consumed after a game.

Raya claims that, while en route to her afternoon self-help class, "Chemo" began to bark at her as she drove side by side with the car. Witnesses also state that yelping from the car could also be heard.

In a fit of rage, Raya, determined to "kick his ass", followed the car, waited until the driver walked away, and there, in the garage, victimized the puppy.
Raya states that she only wanted to talk with the dog about it's actions and to resolve any problems the dog may have had with her. After trying to talk "Chemo" into rolling down his window, she then states that Chemo threw his paws in the air and responded with, "What's up Bitch, whatcha gonna do now?"
That's when the scene took a turn for the worse. Raya then kicked in the window and threw a right cross striking "Chemo" across the face.
Investigators say that, due to the height and weight difference of both opponents, "Chemo" was destined to lose.
"Chemo only had a reach of three inches and weighed in at 2 lbs, he was no match for her", states a close friend of the family.

When Chemo failed to revive himself, Raya panicked and fled with the dog, leaving only one clue, an acting/modeling business card.

"Chemo", however, was recovered this morning but with significant signs of abuse and is not expected to recover completely. He has also suffered significant brain damage and may never again walk the same.

"Fuck him, he deserved what he got", states Raya, "if you had of heard what he said to me, you would have done the same thing".

"It is one of the worst case of abuse this department has ever seen", stated police chief, Ron Ward, "only the sexual abuse of several kitties from a case prior to this one, have I seen anything so horrible" - Ward, referring to the kitty porn ring recently broken up earlier this summer.

Charges against Raya are expected to be filed later this week.

Celebrity Appearance at Face Punchers Game

2006-09-05T01:10:00.000-07:00

Aaron Keene, Kite Dancer, made an appearance this past Sunday at the Face Punchers football game. Keene, whose current kite show, "Higher Than A Kite", is in the running to be a performer at the halftime show of the Super Beach. Keene, who is a regular in Vegas auditoriums and is on tour with his show, was making his way through California when he decided to "drop in for a game".

The Face Punchers were thrilled to see Keene and get a glimpse of what his show is all about. Morin, founder of the Face Punchers, was quoted as saying, "He is an incredible entertainer and to have him here with us is a real treat", Morin continued, "I grew up watching him as a little boy and I hope to one day introduce the pure joy of watching him, to my kids".

Keene, who is just coming off a successful tour called, "Higher Than Giraffe Pussy", signed autographs and discussed the trials and tribulations of performing with kites.

Mr. Keene warns children that, while frolicking with kites, safety equipment is always required. He also went on to warn children of the danger of using drugs and if not used properly, could ruin your life.

Look for Aaron Keene, as he prances with his kites, at this years Super Beach.

Face Punchers Fight for 7th Victory

2006-09-05T00:23:00.000-07:00

The San Francisco Face Punchers grinded out their 7th victory of the season this past Sunday to remain on top of the Full-Contact Beach Football League. Two key players made their debut this weekend, Brian McKelvey and Anthony Green. Both players made a difference in this weekends game with McKelvey at quarterback and Green on defense.
Several players including Carlos "I'm not speaking Arabic, I'm spelling backwards" Morin, Adam "my legs are so fucking white" McBride and Anthony "have you seen my sex video?" Green, suffered minor injuries but should be back on the sand in two weeks.

Due to drinking several beers, downing shots of straight gin and puffing the Cheech and Chong, scores from the game could not be remembered.

McFadden was at his best of course, catching several passes for touchdowns as well as Jin Voeks, who remained intoxicated as usual. Brodeur was on hand as well to reprise his role with the team but left early when an extra player showed up. He still remains in the Bitch Leagues.
De Chantal, who is a favorite to win the "Most Dedicated Face Puncher" award, was "talking shit and spittin' game", which proved to be a key element in the Face Punchers victory and Carlos "if your trying to get me hot, it's working!" Morin, was losing his temper, a standard behavior for Morin, who vows to take anger management classes at the end of the season.

The Face Puncher Bitches, who usually cheered on the sidelines, were not available due to a bar across the street. Players, however, prayed for a different outcome, something on the lines of lesbian sex, sources say.

The Face Punchers, whose season ends in late October, continue to clobber themselves as they fight their way to the Super Beach, the game of all games.

"Greedy" Green on the Sand...Accepts A White Girl With A Case of Beer

2006-09-04T23:19:00.000-07:00

Anthony "Greedy" Green, whose famous long-lost mother is talk show host, Oprah Winfrey, finally took to the sand this past Sunday, ending his two-week hold out. Green, who was heavily recruited by Face Punchers front office, held out for two-weeks for what insiders say was for a bigger signing bonus or possibly a white girl. Green decided on the white girl along with a case of Coors Light.
Face Punchers front office were surprised to hear that Green didn't want a pitcher of Kool-Aid and were even more surprised that he turned down a bucket of chicken.

Green gave a speech outside his Richmond crack house and here is what he had to say:

"I have a dream, that one day, the Face Punchers will understand me"
"I have a dream, that one day, the Face Punchers of San Francisco will not laugh at me when I order a salad."
"I have a dream, that while calling a play in a huddle on Ocean Beach, my fellow Face Punchers will not say, "what...slow down jigga!"
"Let freedom ring from the liqour stores in Hunters Point!"
"Let freedom ring from the massage parlors in the Tenderloin!"
"Let freedom ring from the crack houses of Richmond!"
"Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty!, we are free at last!"

The Face Punchers were thrilled to see Green this past Sunday but expressed much concern about showering with Green in the locker room.
Aaron Brodeur, who states that black men are the most well-endowed of all men, was deeply saddened to find out that his locker was next to Greens.

Randall to Arrive Shortly...Bring Out The Gatorade and Headbands, Morin Says

2006-08-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

Morin, quarterback for the first place Face Punchers and seen in the photo, has recently reported that his lady friend of four years will arrive this wednesday. Ms. Randall, seen here cheering her team, has been out of town all summer. Insiders say she was out of town for medical conditions not known to the public. By the looks of her, a breast or ass reduction was possible.

Morin, who was found shopping for candles, extra headbands and Gatorade by the bulk, was quoted as saying, " Yeah, she's coming back all right...she has no idea what's in store for her...first, I'm starting with the skittle spit, then I'll move on to the shocker, a move I've been perfecting all summer with my Columbian neighbor. After that, it's all downhill from there. She won't know what hit her".

As a veteran of the fine art of masterbation, Morin is throwing in the cum towel and tying on the strap-on. "You see, when you're as small as me, you gotta wear a strap-on", he continued, "I wear a black one...and just in case you were wondering...it's true what they say about black guys."

Good luck Morin.

Anthony "Greedy" Green to Hold Out for Bigger Signing Bonus

2006-08-21T01:01:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to add color and flair to the team, The San Francisco Face Punchers front office is trying to sign Anthony "greedy" Green, seen in the photo, to a one-dollar signing bonus. Green, on the other hand, has a better idea..."show me the money!".

Mr. Green, who is actually Black or African or whatever, has been invited to the Face Punchers games for the past several weeks and has been asked to become apart of the team by founders Carlos Morin and Jim McFadden themselves, but as stated above, Green wants more green.

"We need some size and quickness on the front line and Green has it all. We showed him the money but he just wasn't happy enough so we'll go back to the drawing board and come back with something else...possibly a white girl", stated McFadden.

Chronicle reporters asked Green about his request for more money but due to his speech impediment, no one could understand him.

Jin Voeks...New Addition to the Face Punchers

2006-08-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

The Face Punchers have added one more player to their 15-man roster. Jin "not even gay people are this gay" Voeks, was picked only a short time ago by Face Punchers scouts and has played in his second game thus far. Voeks, a native of Oregon, has starred at receiver so far and has made quite an impact for the team.

Face Punchers founder Carlos Morin stated the following, "Jin has adapted very well to the Face Punchers style of football", Morin continued, "he shows up drunk, stays drunk and leaves drunk enough to fuck a fat chick, or in my case, my Aunt".
Voeks, who stands 6"3" and 200 lbs, is dominant on the sand both on offense and defense and brings much talent in and around the game.

The Face Punchers will look for great things to come from Jin should he decide to play sober.

Face Punchers Punch Face...Again...Morin Still Very Handsome

2006-08-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

The San Francisco Face Punchers of San Francisco have done it again. With a record of 6-0, the Face Punchers have proven to be unstoppable and are destined to be on the sand for the Super Beach at the end of the season.

Having been given a bye for last week, the Face Punchers battled against themselves earlier this afternoon with a close score of 5-4. Jim "did you clock me out?" McFadden was easily voted this weeks player of the week as well as MVP. McFadden pulled in 5 touchdowns including an incredible catch for 50 yards from star quarterback Carlos "kittie porn star" Morin. When simply asked how he does it, McFadden responded with, "my hands are not afraid of any balls".

While McFadden excelled for his team, newcomer Jin Voeks wowed onlookers, catching 13 receptions, 3 of which were for touchdowns. Voeks, who has played in his second game for the Face Punchers, has been a key addition to the squad, adding heidth, speed and most of all, a bottle of Jack Daniels. When asked about his performance of todays game, founder Carlos "it's been two months since i've laid pipe" Morin, said, "we are excited to have him, although i wish he would get rid of that ridiculous knit hat".

Other Face Punchers who contributed to the victory were Adam McBride, Mark Brown and Ted Scott-Smith. Nicknames for previously mentioned persons will be given at a later date.

The Face Punchers football team who are ranked first in the Full-Contact Beach Football League standings appear to be going nowhere. Their rough and tough style football has them ranked first in all categories including most marijuana smoked, most alcohol consumed and most bitches fucked. Those same bitches consume most of the alcohol as well.

Aaron Brodeur, who had been sent down to the Bitch Leagues several weeks ago, made an attempt to comeback and join his fellow face punchers at the professional level but failed to reprise his role. Brodeur arrived on time but left early stating his pussy hurt. He will be sent back down along with Rich Kahle and Elder Natareno, both of whom have failed to play in the majority of the games due to sore pussies and mean girlfriends. Both players were receivers for the team but have not full-filled their duties to the team or the organization. The loss of both players will not hurt the Face Punchers chances as they weren't "worth shit", as quoted by Morin.

The Face Punchers square off in two weeks back at their home stadium of Ocean Beach or right across from the windmill.

Q and A with Hometown Hottie of the Week: Tara D.

2006-08-04T16:36:00.000-07:00

This week the San Francisco Chronicle would like to bring you Tara D. Tara was hand selected by the Face Punchers themselves because of her good looks, vibrant personality and to be perfectly honest, the fact that she'll show her tits, anywhere at anytime. For that Tara, we thank you.
We asked Tara ten questions from our 10-question format and here are her answers.

SFC: Are your tits real or fake?

TD: They're real, of course. You've seen them haven't you?

SFC: Are you shaved or unshaved?

TD: Unshaved. Some people think I have Buckweet in a scissor hold.

SFC: Do you spit or swallow?

TD: I enjoy it on my tits and rubbed all over my face.

SFC: Do you prefer the top or bottom?

TD: The bottom, of course. And the top, upside-down, inside-out and sideways. Just as long as I get laid.

SFC: Would you rather be with Bert or Ernie?

TD: Definitely Bert.

SFC: Of the many man couples on the Face Punchers, who would you rather have, Brodeur or De Chantal?

TD: Probably De Chantal, cause he could provide me mouth to mouth.

SFC: Do you prefer your men tall or short?

TD: Since we're all the same height in bed, it doesn't really matter.

SFC: If you could pick one of the Face Punchers girlfriends for girl on girl action, who would it be?

TD: Definitely Raya. She is so hot. I love the way she complains all the time and her ass shakes like two puppies wrestling under a blanket.

SFC: Do you prefer your men hung like a horse or mini like McFadden?

TD: That's a tough question, cause the last time a had a horse, spooning was nearly impossible.

And that was 10 questions with Tara D.
Check back next week when McBrides girlfriend is picked on purpose. God help us all.

Bitch Leagues Update...Brodeur May Have Company

2006-08-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

In addition to founder Carlos Morin, Aaron Brodeur was also missing from Sunday's action. Having been demoted to the Bitch Leagues by Coach Nash, Aaron participated in his first contest there, playing a key part in a victory against The Jehovah's Witnesses. In comments made after the game, Brodeur stated "They were a persistent team and refused to give up, but in the end we prevailed." Brodeur, hoping to regain his spot on the roster, played hard and might get his chance soon due to the possible demotion of two existing team members as a result of Sunday's game. Coach Nash describes Punchers Aaron "I might get fired" Keene, and Rich "despite the advice of friends and co-workers and several homeless people I'm keeping my hair the way it is" Kahle as "on the bubble" in regards to their roster status.

This of course, is in reponse the both players' lack of effort in Sunday's game. Kahle and Keene, both citing "being tired" as an excuse, left at half-time not to return for the remainder of the game. As a precautionary measure, Nash had the duo examined by Head Trainer Stephanie Hart, who cleared them for action, telling reporters "they suffer from being lazy, but that's about it." In addition to this, Keene was also described as "a little grabby", and Kahle seemed to be suffering under the delusion that he would be "leading the revolution."

Although currently still on the roster, both members of the squad must have a strong showing in the Facepunchers next contest to retain their spots.

Facepunchers Grind out Victory--Remain Undefeated

2006-08-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

In a drag-down, knock-out, no holds barred contest, the Facepunchers improved on their undefeated season-- leaving them 5-0 and in first place of the FCBFL. Sunday's game showcased strong defensive performances from both sides, and points were difficult to come by. The contest featured several new faces, each player bringing talent to an already dominating ball-club. Standouts included Jin "I'm really drunk" Voeks, Manual a.k.a "The White Carlos with the Mexican name", Mike from Arizona, and Chuck with the red shirt.

In traditional Facepuncher fashion, team stalwarts Adam "thank god he wore longer shorts this time" McBride, Ted "for every shirt I tear in half I donate $5 to charity and I'm going broke" Scott-Smith, and Jim "I didn't feel like playing quarterback" McFadden all had strong showings in Sunday's game. Adam continued to cause match-up problems for the defense with his height and apparent dislike for wearing pants, frustrating and blinding opposing defenders. In response to complaints about his patented "no pants" reception in the third quarter, McBride replied "You gotta be willing to put it all out there to win games in this league. Plus, if I get tackled just right, I'll score even if I don't make it to the end zone." After the game, opposing corners reported to head trainer Stepahnie Hart for eye examinations to test for retinal damage after being exposed to what onlookers decsribed as "a light more blinding than a thousand suns".

In honor of founder Carlos "the Mexican tornado" Morin and his groin-related absence from this week's contest, Jin wore his trademark "bright orange hat" for the duration of the game. When asked about the hat, Jin told reporters that "although Carlos couldn't make it out for the game, I feel like while wearing the hat, a little bit of Carlos was inside each and every one of us today." Jin followed these remarks by adding "Oh hell, I hope to Christ you guys don't print that. Will twenty bucks take care of it?"

In Morin's absence, new-comer Manual proved an able replacement at quarterback, leading several of the team's scoring drives. Manual stated "As a rookie, I wanted to come out and prove myself to the team. It's an honor to play for such a prestigious organization and I think Coach Nash is one of the FCBFL's all-time greatest football minds." Coach Nash also received high praise from co-founder and starting receiver/cornerback Jim McFadden. McFadden told the Chronicle that "I came into this week under a lot of pressure with Carlos being in Texas having his groin lasered and all. Coach Nash did a great job prepping me for the game and helping me deal with the fan's high expectations. Sure, he doesn't always show up to practice, he's frequently falling-down drunk, and he speaks english at a third-grade level, but he knows how to lead this team week-in and week-out. Whatever the hell that means." When asked if his five receiving TD's were a result of Nash's gameplan, McFadden replied "game-plan?" and then proceeded to threaten Chronicle reporters, screaming "get out of my office!" despite the fact that he was laying in a kiddie-pool filled with malt-liquor on his front lawn. Also of note was David "my last name has a space in it" De Chantal's performance early in the game, recording passing TD's in his first three drives and providing an early spark for the first-place team.

Standing at 5-0, the Facepunchers are poised for a run at the playoffs and possibly a championship contender. When asked about his team's chances of reaching the big show, Coach Nash had this to say "As a Cuban immigraqnt who came to this country on a floating door, I'm just happy to be here competing. Also, I'm out of patrol vodka and the 12th floor is code four."

The Facepunchers next match should be a barn-burner, as they're slated to play the rival Art School Fags, who forfeited the team's previous match-up.

July 30th..Let the Face Punching Commence

2006-07-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

In keeping with the FCBFL's announced schedule, the next contest will take place at 3:30pm July 30th on Ocean Beach in the league's official meeting place--across from the windmill. The Face Punchers, currently 4-0 and in sole possession of first place, seek to remain undefeated despite the absence of founder Carlos "she told me she was eighteen" Morin.

Morin, a first-string quarterback for the Face Punchers, will be on medical leave in Austin, Texas treating an undisclosed medical condition. Though not released publicly, the treatment is said to involve the lasering of what league insiders describe as "unidentified growths in the groin area". Morin has issued only a brief statement regarding his absence: "Seriously, go fuck yourselves."

The lack of Morin's arm will surely put more pressure on co-founder and quarterback/reciever Jim "enough about the nipple rings already" McFadden. Asked about the high expectations of his performance in next weeks game, he responded, "unidentified growths in the groin area? Have you guys checked your sources on this?" When made aware that he had not answered the Chronicle's question, McFadden then stated: "I can have you all killed!" He then stormed out and punched several photographers in the face, screaming "We're The Face Punchers, bitches!" Charges are expected to be filed later in the week.

With the demotion of Aaron "it's almost impressive how bad I am at catching a football" Brodeur to The Bitch Leagues, several newcomers will be vying for a position on the team's growing roster. One of last week's standouts, Colby Pritchard, is said to be high in the running after an impressive defensive showing. In response to Morin's statement that Brodeur needed to have "one hell of a game" to be promoted back from The Bitch Leagues, Aaron had this to say, "I don't know, it's like, I can see the ball coming, and I know I'm supposed to catch it, but then I don't."

July 30th Facepunchers...faces will be punched.

This article brought to you by:

DeChantal's Ambulance Services
"We''ll be there in 30 minutes or your autopsy's free!"

Jim McFadden: This Weeks Featured Face Puncher

2006-07-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

This week, the San Francisco Face Punchers would like to bring you up close and personal with co-founder Jim McFadden. McFadden is a starting quarterback and receiver for the first place team and would like to share his story.

SFC: Jim, this is a real pleasure having you here with us.

JM: Thanks, I'm very excited to be here.

SFC: So Jim, you were voted this weeks M.V.P., how does that make you feel.

JM: It's a real honor. I played real hard this week and I guess my effort has payed off. Not only that, but I get to share that title with Carlos, a true champion.

SFC: Speaking of Carlos, questionable photos turned up of you and him gettin' down in a bar, what were you thinking?

JM: I don't know what I was thinking, I thought he was Taylor.

SFC: Another scandal arose about you and his girlfriend, pictures of you two surfaced with your arms around each other. Can you tell me about that?

JM: It was very innocent. Nothing happened. We talked all night about my nipple rings. She does have a great ass though. WOW!

SFC: Rumor also has it that your a musician and your sweet and sultry voice really attracts the ladies. Is this true?

JM: It sure is. The ladies dig me. I am, however, taken. She's a latin firecracker!

SFC: What's the story on the nipple rings, did you lose a bet? or was this something you did on your own?

JM: I did it on my own. I also have my cock pierced with a hoola hoop. Sometimes I let little poodles jump through it.

SFC: Jim, it's been a real honor interviewing you today. Good luck next game.

This interview was brought to you by:

Keenes Pipe Company
"Nobody Lays Pipe Better Than Keene"
The Tenderloin
San Francisco, Ca 94102

Face Punchers Defeat Themselves...McFadden Still has Nipple Rings

2006-07-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

The first place Face Punchers have done it once again. The organization, who blames their success on beer, drugs and casual sex with co-workers, were victorious in yesterdays romp over themselves.
The day started off somewhat slow with only few key members arriving on time, but once the evening wore on, more arrived.
The team cheerleaders, The Bitches, led by head cheerleader Siobhan, were in true form last night and cheered their Punchers to a win to keep their their record at 4-0. (On a sidenote, Siobhan was also excellent in displaying the "splits", producing several high school rings).

Jim McFadden and Carlos Morin were the this weeks M.V.P, while leading their respective teams at quarterback as well as Teddy Two-Names and Mark Brown, who displayed spectacular skills and rushing to a team record. On defense, a new player named Colby Pritchard was all over the sand keeping all receivers at bay as did Mr. Clumsy himself, Taylor Haisch.
As usual, Aaron Brodeur was bad, very, very bad.
He did, however, wear a tight pink shirt.

The Face Punchers, back from a long break, are preparing for the homecoming game game scheduled for late October.

Brodeur Demoted to Bitch Leagues

2006-07-17T14:36:00.000-07:00

The Face Punchers front office has sent their 3rd string receiver Aaron Brodeur down to the Bitch Leagues effective immediately. Brodeur, who dropped several key passes in yesterdays game, was not surprised of the move. The Bitch Leagues, which consists of players struggling to make their way to the F.C.B.F.L. and players that are having problems succeeding in the professional league, is located in Northern California. Brodeurs new team, The Little Giants, face-off against other teams of the same caliber and are currently in third to the 2nd place Girl Scouts and last seasons champion, The Brownies.

San Francisco Face Punchers founder Carlos Morin was quoted as saying, "That mother fucker sucks!", and "He couldn't catch chlamydia if he slept with Keene", in reference to Brodeurs catching ability and Aaron Keenes philandering.
Aaron Brodeur could not be reached for comment, but sources close to him believe he may be reading, writing and possibly drawing.
However, Brodeurs agent, Bob Ross, was available for comment and here is what he had to say. "My client is having problems right now, and he plans to overcome it. He'll be back in the show soon enough and he'll be a force to reckon with".
Upon hearing this statement, fellow face punchers burst into laughter and some even peed in their pants.

It has been rumored that Mr. Brodeur's off-season training had consisted of catching live pigs, a theory of his that states "if you can catch a pig, than you can catch the pig-skin", in order to become accustomed to catching the football.

His philosophy and training did not pay off.

David DeChantal: This Weeks Featured Face Puncher

2006-07-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

For this week, the San Francisco Chronicle would like to introduce David DeChantal. A quarterback/receiver for the San Francisco Face Punchers. We sat down with Mr. DeChantal and here is what he had to say.

SFC: David, how has the season been so far?

DD: It's gone real well for me. I've made a lot of good plays this season and i think Coach Nash is very happy with my performance.

SFC: Are you and fellow face puncher Aaron Brodeur fucking?

DD: Yes we are, and I think he's been very happy with my performance as well.

SFC: Many people think your a bit cocky during game time. What do you have to say about that?

DD: Well. They're right. I am full of cock.

SFC: Now, from what we understand, your having sexual relations with another face puncher, besides Aaron Brodeur. How does Aaron feel about that?

DD: I've spoken to him about it and for right now, he's fine with it. We try to get him involved as well, but i believe he's involved with his roommate.

SFC: You have another big game coming up this weekend. Do you plan to do anything different than you have in the past?

DD: Not at all. Just completeing some passes and playing hard.

SFC: David, we wish you luck this weekend.

This interview was brought to you by:

Jessica, Professional Skincare Therapist
"Because caring for your skin is important, and so is riding Carlos's cock"
The Tenderloin
San Francisco, CA 94102

Aaron Brodeur: This Weeks Featured Face Puncher

2006-07-03T07:35:00.000-07:00

This week, the San Francisco Chronicle would like to bring you up close and personal with Aaron Brodeur. Mr. Brodeur is a starting receiver for the Face Punchers and here is what he had to say.

SFC: Aaron, we are very happy that you could make it here today. We would like to start off with a few questions about yourself.
Now, is it true that you and your roommate have bunk beds?

AB: It sure is. My roommate and I share a room and sleep in bunk beds. We really enjoy it.

SFC: Which one of you has the top bunk?

AB: That would be me.

SFC: Do you actually use the step ladder to get to the top?

AB: Yes, I do. I never step on the top rung though, because as everyone knows, the top rung is not a step.

SFC: What possesed you and your roommate to get bunk beds?

AB: Well, we were going to get racecar beds and place them next to each other, but we decided that it would take up too much room. So instead, we opted for the bunk beds. It allows for more space and we can still make the racecar sounds.

SFC: When there is a thunderstorm, which one of you crawls into bed with the other?

AB: That all depends. But most of the time, it's me crawling into bed with him.

SFC: Thats very strange. Do you also have a pair of pajamas with the feet.

AB: Sure do. It also has an opening for my ass.

SFC: Mr. Brodeur, how is your season going so far with the Face Punchers?

AB: It's going very well. I think the coaches are satisfied with my playing ability. As you know, we are in first place and things couldn't get any better. We play this Sunday and right now, we are just preparing for a good match.

SFC: Aaron, once again, we thank you for sitting down with us today. Good luck this Sunday.

AB: Thanks.

This interview was made possible by:

Sara the Peradontist
"Adam prefers the teeth, and so should you"
Outer Sunset
San Francisco, CA 94103

FACE PUNCHER GEAR IN THE WORKS

2006-07-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

To all Face Punchers,
The time has come to immortalize our dedication and the pursuit of destruction and mayhem. Committee officials along with our funding organization has pushed a purchase order through for team jerseys and apparel. However, a symbol of what we do and what represents our ass-kickingness is still undecided. A game on the 9th of July will be a proving ground for not only talent,sportsmanship, and shear power but also for the committee to vote on a team logo. Pepperoni's and nipple-rings are still not an option for this years jersey's. Having said this please come up with a rough sketch or idea for a team logo to be put on upcoming high quality,rip-stop,armor of the Legion of Face Punchers. All submitted material will be property of The Face Punchers and not returned or made available to the public. All copywrites and company branding clause's will be implemented and adhered to by all laws public and private. Something mean,something death-defying, and masculine-minded are the criteria for all submitted proposal's. Oh yeah and anything with teddybears and clouds is also acceptable. Let the women know to oil up those sewing machines and break out the candles cuz we got a lot of players and the ladies are our slaves. We fight We win, they eat, they sleep.

My fellow Face Punching brothers, it is time for the world to know and fear us. Give us a symbol, an image of what it is to be the strong, the relentless, the killers in the sand. God help us all.

IT'S OFFICIAL: MORIN TESTS POSITIVE FOR ESTROGEN

2006-06-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

Carlos Morin, one time exotic dancer/bikini model and now the founder and star player of the Face Punchers extreme football team in San Francisco, has tested positive for estrogen use. Appearing in a San Francisco courthouse this morning, Morin has also been charged with attempt to distribute the dangerous drug at baby showers, male strip clubs, and the Clift hotel. He has prior convictions for sodomy and improper relations with a cow in the state of Texas. Mr. Morin has plead not guilty.

It is believed that Morin illegally attained the drug from BALCO (Bitchtits Are Legal CoOperative) in June of this year, when he became despondent over his recent suspension from the SWMGJWA (Sex With My Girlfriend Jessica Wrestling Association), where he competes as a heavyweight. Morin's suspension directly corresponded with fellow team member Jessica Randall's two month leave of absence. The departure of Randall has some of his teammates once again questioning his sexuality.

In May, Morin was quoted as saying "I miss being held by a man in the morning." His flirtation with homosexuality is well known and documented, as he has been linked to teammate Jim McFadden and most recently, celebrity comedian Andy Dick.

When asked about the case by a San Francisco Chronicle reporter at the courthouse, Morin could only manage a "no comment" before sobbing and running into the women's bathroom.

Face Punchers Sign New Recruit, Ted Scott-Smith says "Yes"

2006-06-26T07:09:00.000-07:00

Ted Scott-Smith has said "yes", to a one-summer deal. The signing bonus, which is rumored to be the largest in team history, comes complete with incentives as well as naked pictures of Jim McFaddens girlfriend.
Scott-Smith, who is the only Face Puncher with two last names, is the second transaction of the week. The Face Punchers recently signed Sam Fargeon.

Carlos Morin, founder of the organization, was on hand to comment. "I told Ted we wanted to look at him this weekend and we we're glad we did. He's a great addition to the team".

Ted, who tried out for the team yesterday, was a big hit with the rest of the squad and scored several touchdowns while leading his team to victory row. His scrappy style and bulldog attitude is sure to lead the Face Punchers to the mecca of games, The Super Beach.

The San Francisco Chronicle caught up to Ted Scott-Smith and here is what he had to say:

SFC: Ted, how do you feel about your signing bonus?

TSS: I feel good. I spoke to Morin earlier in the month about possibly joining. He gave me a shot and I'm glad he did.

SFC: Are you excited about joining?

TSS: Very excited, yes.

SFC: What do you plan to do now?

TSS: I'm gonna get ready for the next game, meet the rest of the team and just try to focus on the rest of the season.

SFC: How do you feel about all the allegations surrounding the Face Punchers, the sex scandals, drug and alcohol controversies and even the loss of their playbook?

TSS: I think we just need to put it all behind us and move on. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to call my boyfriend.

SFC: Thank you Ted and good luck this year.

You can watch Scott-Smith in two weeks when the Face punchers play themselves at Ocean Beach

Art School Fags Forfeit, Amazing Defensive Exhibition By The Face Puncher Organization

2006-06-26T05:30:00.000-07:00

On 3rd and 1, a batted pass by Avid Face Puncher Los Morin was intercepted by David "Magnum PI" de Chantal, only to be recovered after a fatal error, by none other than Los "Pepperoni Tits" Morin himself. It was the first double-interception to be recorded in Face Puncher History. After a tape review the play stood and this is what Los Morin had to say to Ramon the on-field official, "The ball just re-appeared and I fell in love with it, I mean, you have to love the game, the ball, the girls ,and the boys to be out here and be this good".

While Los and McFadden led there team to 2 well earned victories, there was a mental breakdown. David "Magnum PI" de Chantal after being corrected of a bad call on his part proceeded to taunt and get into the head of Los "Pepperoni Tits " Morin. This lead to leg cramps,uncontrolled on-field pooping, and menstruation. Ramon (Face Puncher Official) consulted Stephanie (FacePuncher On-Site Medic) about Los's condition and cleared him to continue playing after coach Nash gave him some Gatorade. Elder Natareno, who by the way, caught a TD on this fine day had this to say, " The on field pooping scared me, the smell made me run faster".

All in all the two MVP's of the game are also 2 new additions, Adam "I'm Small" McBride and Ted "My Shirt is Gone" (he preferred to leave out his last name due to allegations of a criminal history). They did a hell of a job and did not cry once. The amount of homo-erotisim between the team today was uncanny and coincided perfectly with this weekends festivities here in Face Puncher Capitol, San Francisco. Good game Faggots!

Kahle tests clean, in trouble with league

2006-06-24T15:46:00.000-07:00

In a month marred by scandals and debauchery, not to mention the public outing of league founder Carlos "I was young and needed the money" Morin, the Facepunchers have recieved more bad news. This time, it comes from a Chronicle report that Rich "maybe we ought to just play two-hand-touch" Kahle has tested clean in a surprise drug screening conducted by the league. Although the results are not due to be announced publicly until the end of the month, a preliminary lab report has been leaked to Chronicle reporters by an unknown source. On an unrelated topic, a special thanks to Andrew "I dress like a lesbian housepainter" Stitch...the check's in the mail, bud.

Fellow teammate Aaron "I don't have a long nickname yet" Keene was shocked by the news, stating "I knew he was a square, but I didn't realize things had gotten so out of hand." The league has yet to issue a public statement regarding the results, but a steep fine and the possibility of enrolling Kahle in a mandatory Drug and Alcohol Appreciation Program seem likely. Kahle had this to say in his defense, "I was plenty drunk. A retest will prove me right, you wait and see. Also, Carlos is still gay and Elder's girlfriend beats him up--I hate white people."

In response to Kahle's comments, league insiders agreed that his attempts to deflect the attention to the recent plentitude of Facepuncher scandals is likely due to his almost certain culpability in violating league rules. In Kahle's defense, members of the player's union have called the league's rules regarding acceptable levels of intoxication "unclear", and "vague".
Currently, the rule states that "all participants in the FCBFL must be intoxicated to the level that they would sleep with a fat chick while involved in all aspects of league play and related media events." Union leaders complained that the league has failed to specify "how fat of a chick?" and "What if she has a good personality?" So far, the league has resisted changes to existing rules, claiming that "the rules are fine, buds--so quit your bitching." In a statement addressing the union's concerns, the league had this to say: "You know a fat chick when you see one" and "You can't have sex with her personality, now can you?"

The league however, did state that Kahle would be eligible for this Sunday's match-up against The Art School Fags.

More on this story, and the results of a possible re-test, as it develops.

This Weeks Featured Face Puncher: Taylor Haisch

2006-06-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

For this weeks coverage of The Face Punchers, the San Francisco Chronicle would like to bring you up close and personal with Taylor Haisch, perhaps the clumsiest star of the organization. Taylor, a mainstay at local titty bars throughout the bay area, was interviewed by our Chronicle reporter and this is what he had to say.

SFC: Welcome Taylor. I'm glad you could do this interview today. Now, from what I understand, you absolutely love titty bars. Is this true?

TH: It is true Mr. Reporter. But I only enjoy them when my girlfriend says I can.

SFC: And what is that supposed to mean, Taylor?

TH: It means that I'm really not allowed to go, unless she says it's o.k., which is never. I still manage to hit 'em up every so often, I just don't tell her. I feel that's the best way to go.

SFC: Good thinking Taylor. Now, how has your season been with the Face Punchers thus far?

TH: Can we talk about the titty bars some more?

SFC: Well Taylor, this is a sports article, wouldn't you like to talk about sports?

TH: I don't know much about sports, besides, titty dancing is a type of sport as well, can't we just talk about that?

SFC: Fine. Who is your favorite titty dancer and why?

TH: Well Mr. Reporter, that's an easy one. My girlfriend, because she said she was.

SFC: So your girlfrined is a titty dancer?

TH: Well, she used to be. She was horrible though, it was like she had two left nipples.

SFC: That's a great story, but about the face punchers, how has your season been so far?

TH: It's been great so far, the guys are a great bunch of guy's and I love titty bars also. Have I mentioned that already?

SFC: Yes, you have. You have a big game coming up, is there anything you would like to do different this weekend?

TH: Go to a different titty bar, that's it.

SFC: Well Taylor, that's about it for this interview, the staff and I would like to wish you good luck this weekend.

TH: Did you say something about a titty bar?

On next weeks coverage of up close and personal with a face puncher, we bring you Mr. Reading, Writing and Drawing himself, Aaron Brodeur.

This interview was brought to you by:

Raya's Slaughter House
123 Slaughter Lane
San Francisco, Ca 94102
"cause slaughtering cow's is coo"

Aaron Keene: This Weeks Featured Face Puncher

2006-06-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

The San Francisco Chronicle, the official paper of the Face Punchers, would like to bring our readers up close and personal to a Face Puncher each week.

This week, we would like to feature Aaron Keene. Keene, an original face puncher has been there from the beginning and has been a key player on the Face Punchers defensive line, intercepting two passes and receiving several more for touchdowns, just this week.

SFC: Mr. Keene, thank you for coming. Now, judging by your pictures, are you really a mexican?

AK: I don't think so.

SFC: What are your views on the recent immigration laws?

AK: The recent what?

SFC: Are you a hip-hop artist?

AK: A hip-hop who?

SFC: How does it feel to be a Face Puncher?

AK: It feels great. It's been my dream to be a part of the team and I'm just glad to be here. When the founders told me about the organization, I jumped at the chance to participate, I jumped, I'm here and it's been fun ever since.

SFC: Do you get along with the rest of the team? The coaching staff?

AK: The guys are great. We hang out all the time when we're not face punching. They're all real nice guys and I'm just glad to be apart of it. As far as the coaching staff, they're great also. Coach Nash really understands me and takes time out to make every one feel comfortable. Just the other day he gave me a massage.

SFC: Aaron. Can i call you Aaron?

AK: No.

SFC: Mr. Keene, you have a bad boy image and alot of people want to know, is it just a front or is this really who you are?

AK: I'm really a nice guy and alot of people do think I'm this bad boy, but it's really not me.

SFC: Did you really have sex in the bathroom of High Tide?

AK: Yes.

SFC: What about the back of a limo?

AK: Yes.

SFC: And what about your workplace?

AK: Yes.

SFC: Mr. Keene, how do you feel about your level of play so far this season? And if there is anything you could change about you level of play, what would it be?

AK: I feel very good about my skills. I think the coaching staff is satisfied and I couldn't be happier, so no, I probabaly wouldn't change a thing.

SFC: Mr. Keene, fuck you very much for coming and we'll keep an eye on you on the 25th.

AK: What?

And that was this week's face puncher of the week, Aaron Keene.

The San Francisco Chronicle would like to thank our sponsor, Lena McFadden.

Lena, Attorney at Law
We don't practice law, we actually do it.
6969 Jim's Room
San Francisco, CA 94102

Exhibitionism at Exhibition Game

2006-06-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

This last Sunday, the Face Punchers turned what was going to be a rematch-to-end-all-rematches into a practice/exhibition game. Little did Face Punchers know at the time, but this was to be taken literally by a team member.

Left Slouchback Aaron Brodeur (2 completions, 2 scores), in an attempt to get Dirty David De Chantal (Number 75)'s girl to play, exposed his throbbing member to onlookers. After being chastised by Coach Nash, Brodeur claimed ignorance, stating in an interview, "... I thought I was wearing my lucky jockstrap -- I had completely forgotten that I was wearing my laundry underwear." Laundry underwear are common amongst the new sport's thriving subset, and are usually reserved only for days when laundry is done. However, in a drunken and high stupor, Brodeur had put them on earlier that morning before attending religious services near the Castro.

Later in the day, Brodeur confessed that he had inherited the underwear from his father when he was 16.

After the initial shock, Dirty De's girl came onto the field to bring her team to victory, scoring twice for a finishing score of 5-3.

Grand Bitches Forfeit...Face Punchers Victorious

2006-06-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

Sunday's match against The Grand Bitches of Hotel Monaco turned out to be a flop. The Bitches never even showed, resulting in a forfeit and giving the Face Punchers their second victory of the season.
The game, scheduled at Ocean Beach for 4:00, was supposed to be a re-match between the two organizations and when the Grand Bitches did not show, no one was surprised.
"I knew when they didn't show up, we would win...cause they didn't come...and we still won...even though they didn't come...please, no more questions", replied Face Puncher Aaron Brodeur.
"I would've liked for them to come" said David DeChantal, "but they didn't...wait a minute, I just came".
"huh?", stated Andrew Stych.

The Face Punchers, ranked 1st in the Full-Contact Beach Football League, recently clobbered the Grand Bitches a short time ago which may or may not be the reason the Bitches failed to show. It was to be a good match-up between the two with the likes of Keen, Haisch and Brown against Grand Bitches own big guy with red hair and the other one who's not legal anywhere in the continental United States.

"We took advantage of the break and decided to focus on our game on the 25th. It's going to be a good one and we're all looking forward to it", said Head Coach Omar Nash, "we worked on a few pass patterns and even took a look at some of the new prospects".

The Face Punchers, a dominant force in the F.C.B.F.L., are making key moves within the organization and have recently assigned new department heads.

An open try-out is scheduled for later in the summer. Details of the try-out will be posted at a later date.

Face Punchers... The Movie?

2006-06-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

To tell the truth, it seems that I'm always the last person to know anything around here. Maybe it's because I'm Canadian, maybe it's because I'm drunk most of the time, or maybe it's just because my terrible terrible gas keeps the other guys at least ten feet away. Whatever the reason, the only way I ever learn anything about the team is through my own independent investigative channels. It's hard sometimes, but the Facepunchers are like my family (my own having disowned me years ago). Needless to say, when a word sounding like "movie" slipped out during a team huddle (hey it was hard to hear, I was ten feet away) I decided to put all my resources into action.

First stop, team spokesman Abdul Abdul Bin Hassan AbdulHassan. I had a hunch he would be privy to the details of any impending film deals. He had this to say:

"Stupid Canadian INFIDEL!!! Get off my lawn before I facepunch your ass back to Toronto!!!"

I could tell by his defensive nature that my line of questioning had definitely revealed something important, something I wasn't supposed to know. I decided to risk another question, but was cut short when he emerged from his doorway swinging a very sharp looking sword.

Next stop, team towel boy Paco from housekeeping. As expected, when he saw me approach he tried to run, but I knew his gameplan (thanks to a team playbook I was able to steal). I was able to corner him under the stairs by the employee entrance. I launched my verbal assault with all the coercive force I could muster. He had this to say:

"Que?"

I knew it! His strange dialect couldn't fool me. It was clear that he was withholding something vital, something involving an enormously rich movie production company situated somewhere in the Presidio, something to do with our very own San Franciscan Taylor and Jim. As luck would have it, I saw the two of them conversing outside the bule and decided that now was my moment. Now I would get to the heart of this matter. With all of my investigative tools at the ready I approached the two, ready to crack this nut, ready to blow this whole thing wide open.

Sadly before I was even able to open my mouth (damn those slow Canadian reflexes) Taylor said "Stych you smell, we need you on door bud", and with that I was banished beyond those majestic double doors.

Reeling from the cleverness of Taylor's counterattack, I lay gasping against the planter trying desperately to salvage my investigation, to maintain the fabulous momentum I had worked so hard to achieve. But what is this? Who do I see approaching? Could it be? Not one, but TWO of our team fundraisers. Surely if a major PR move was in the works, these two would be in on the action. Steady now Andrew, steady, don't blow this one.

Right as they were about to pass me by, I stepped in their path and with all my doorman fury demanded answers.

Rastaman denied everything, "Blah baba doodlenoodles Jack in the Box ba squiggidy ba hungry ya flabbity..."

But it was Five Cent who let the cat out of the bag, "Can you spare TEN cents?!!?!!"

There could only be one reason she/he/it had doubled she/he/it's fundraising efforts...

My dear Facepuncher fans, my investigation will continue. I assure you I will get to the bottom of this. Oh, and next time you see at me a bar, maybe you could say "Hi" instead of pretending I'm not there and shuffling quickly away.

Love you guys.

"Ol' Nipple Rings" Caught with Founders Girlfriend

2006-06-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

Jim McFadden, starting cornerback for the San Francisco Face Punchers, has been caught with Face Punchers founder Carlos Morin's girlfriend. The lovebirds were seen departing a local pub in the SOMA district and by the looks of this photo, seemed very happy.
McFadden, who lives just around the corner from the pub, had his arm around Morin's ladyfriend while she did the same. The woman, a Ms. Jessica Randall, was smiling and seemed very excited to be with the former Heisman trophy winner, exclaimed neighbors who spotted the two-some. They also stated that the two were headed for McFaddens mansion that was located just around the corner.

"I heard them all night", replied one neighbor.
Another neighbor who requested his name not be mentioned stated that the two were fornicating until all hours of the night, stopping only once, for what he believed to be a Gatorade break. A headband was found outside his door.

When the Chronicle broke the news to Morin, he said, "It must have been the nipple rings, he gets 'em with those nipple rings every time...........but I never thought it would be my sweet Jessica............that bitch!!"
When asked what he planned to do, he replied, "get nipple rings, of course!".

The Chronicle caught up with McFadden later during the day outside his gym. "It wasn't what it sounded like...we stayed up talking all night about my nipple rings, biceps and creatine...I swear!". When confronted with the pictures, McFadden turned and ran all while screaming, "I love my nipple rings!!!!!!"

Jessica Randall, the recent Miss Tenderloin 2006, could not be reached. It appears, she has not been found.
Foul play has been suspected.

"Face Punchers Announce The 2006 Organization Dept. Heads

2006-06-08T03:53:00.000-07:00

Salvador, Strength and Conditioning
Stephanie, Sports Medicine/Trainer
Dan Lewis, Equip. Mngr.
Collin, PR Director
Ron Ward, Team Internal Affairs Chairman
Mr.Lu, Concession Director
Mike Fong/Lauren, Team Commentators
Flavia "The Bull Horn", Team Announcer
Reya/Angela, Chains
Stacie, Payroll/Accounting
Ramon, Team Official/Ref.
Cameron/Simone/Brooke, Team Cheer Sqaud

Team Fund-Raising Commitee,
Rastaman
Screwdriver Guy
Eli
Roxy
Keana
Back-Pack Man
Larry Johnson
Mary
Ahron
Headstand Guy
5 Cent

Natareno to be Released from Face Punchers...Possibly

2006-06-06T23:14:00.000-07:00

The Face Punchers front office is currently in talks with 5th string center, Elder Natareno and his agent, about his future with the team. Natareno, an ex-gang leader was signed to the Face Punchers after being discovered in his hometown of East L.A running from La Migra, only a few weeks ago. But his failure to attend games and practices has caused the front office and team members much anguish.

"We recruited Elder, or Little Puppet as he's known to his homies, with alot of excitement. We felt his experience as a gang leader and his ability to run, would be a benefit to the team, but his absence at games has been a real hindrance to the players", replied Jim McFadden, co-founder of the team. "Besides that, we signed the guy as a receiver 'cause we thought that since he was Mexican, he could run......pinche Mexican, little did I know, he was better off bending over", McFadden mumbled while walking away from reporters.

When reporters caught up to Natareno to ask about the matter, he exclaimed that his girlfriend was the reason for his absences.
"You see, I've got this girlfriend and as you may not know, she wears the pants in the relationship. I mean, shit, the only reason I'm here talking to you right now is because she gave me permission!", Natareno said. "and she beats me up too!"

Omar Nash, the Head Coach of the Face Punchers was on hand to discuss the situation.
"We really liked his potential as a player, but as a person, not so much", he said, "we are, however, in talks with his girlfriend about filling a position at linebacker......I mean shit!, if she's as tough as he says she is, she might be worth signing!".

The Face Punchers would love to have Natareno at his usual position, but if his failure to appear at games continue, he may be deported.

The Face Punchers are scheduled to play this Sunday at Ocean Beach.

Injured player notification

2006-06-05T01:43:00.000-07:00

Dr. Phillip Wang
Haight Ashbury Free Clinic
P.O. Box 29917, San francisco CA
(415) 552 2114

Under recent care of Face Puncher Justin Schmidt I have deemed him unable to participate in league play for the next few weeks due to a rare but serious medical conidition. On Wednesday May 31st Mr. Schmidt stepped into my office for a routine check-up. During the check-up Mr. Schmidt had mentioned that he had a terrible burning sensation during urination and had also pointed out that an ungodly fungus has been growing from his left ear. Following standard procedure I informed Mr. Schmidt of the possibilites of sexually transmitted diseases and he mentioned that he had been moon lighting with a few of the prostitutes of Larkin St. Upon completion of a lab test Mr. Schmidt tested negative for any transmitted diseases so I can base my assumption that Mr. Schmidt has been up to his usual drinking habits of a Norweigen viking.
He also added that while one of the "girls" was tickling him with her mustache while having her toungue in his ear whispering sweet nothings. I took a specimen of the fungus and colinated it, results found a rare bacteria known to be found in only in street junkies. Antibodies where given to Mr. Schmidt to fight the infection but as league doctor I do have to keep the client on the injured reserve list for the next few weeks. Fortunatley for the league there is not a game until the 25th so I believe Mr. Schmidt will be suited up for the game and ready to complain of shortness of breathe and stop for the occasional hot girl walking by breaks.

Face Punchers Playbook Leaked to Public

2006-06-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

These guys are idiots!

The first place Face Punchers of the Full-Contact Beach Football League have done it again, but no sex scandal or even a uniform violation can match up to this mishap.
It seems as though your beloved yet controversial hometown heroes have lost their playbook.
Earlier this morning, an unknown person who is unknown, delivered the playbook to the front steps of the offices of The San Francisco Chronicle. Reporters Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams were the first to find the playbook and just as quick as one could say, "Stephanie, WOW!!", the playbook was published.

Carlos Morin, the founder of The Face Punchers, was reached later at his Tenderloin mansion and had this to say, "It's very disturbing to me to think that someone would have broken into our Tenderloin Headquarters and rob us of not only are precious playbook but our pride and dignity as well". Not making anymore sense than his last statement, Morin went on to comment that the Tenderloin was a safe place and that crime in the community was unheard of, until last night.

Authorities have only few leads at this time but plan to question The Grand Bitches from Hotel Monaco, who suffered an embarrasing loss to The Face Punchers earlier this week. Police Chief Ron Ward of the San Francisco Police Department has stated that several key pieces of evidence have turned up, placing The Grand Bitches at the scene of the crime. Evidently, the culprits from last nights break-in left behind a saucisson pizza, a cook with no papers and more importantly, a RWR bartender still on the clock and drinking shots of tequila.
"We got the call around midnight and showed up close to 3", replied police Chief Ward. "we're taking steps now to find out who the criminals are and i figure we'll know something soon", he continued, "now if you'll let me by, I have to catch a plane to Vegas".
"I know a few Mexicans over there that are capable of this", replied Morin." I even know a cocktail waitress that wouldn't mind pissing me off", he continued, "shes a looker but she's got a real attitude problem", he stated.

The playbook, which consisted of original plays such as, "Go Deep", "Get Open" and "Seriously Guys, Get Open", were key plays to The Face Punchers successful opening day victory.
"The guys and I have developed some really good plays over the past several weeks and it's a shame that those plays are in someone else's hands", he said. "Run Fast' and 'Run Very Fast' are two plays that we just developed and were working very well for us", said Morin, "as you know, our receivers run fast or very fast past depending on the play, pasts their opponent and into the open field. Our Q.B., finds 'em and BAM!, touchdown. It works every time".

Even fans are dissappointed, not to mention flabbergasted at the incident. "What a bunch of dumbasses, AND I'M STILL AN ASSHOLE!", replied Dan Lewis, a faithful face puncher fan.

The Face Punchers, scheduled to play an unnamed team on June 25th at Ocean beach, will still play but this time, without their playbook.

In this reporters opinion, these guys are ding-dongs.

Face Punchers Recruit Heavily from Opposite Side of the Line

2006-05-31T21:19:00.000-07:00

During opening week of the Full-Contact Beach Football League, The Face Punchers successfully signed a talented quaterback/receiver, to a one summer deal, worth absolutely nothing. Brian, who was recently with the Grand Bitches from the Hotel Monaco and was present during Memorial Day's clobbering, signed on the dotted line for an estimated $1 signing bonus, plus incentives.

"Well, I watched Brian on the sidelines throwing the pigskin around and thought to myself, we could use him", "he's young, fresh and talented, and has a great arm", Morin continued. "So I called him up, made an offer he couldn't refuse and boom, we had our guy." "We're very excited to have him, besides, his girlfriend is hot and it would be nice to see her on the sidelines cheering me on", says Morin with a serious look on his face.
When asked of his opportunity, Brian had this to say, "We'll I'm not so sure anymore, with the recent allegations and all, and what's this I hear about sex amongst the players? I know I received a buck for signing but come'on, it's only a dollar and I can give it back."

When this reporter asked what he planned to do about the recent sex scandal, Brian only said, "We'll shit, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"

Morin in trouble with league officials...again

2006-05-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

In the wake of Monday's action, league officials have stated that they are looking into a possible violation of league rules by founder Carlos Morin. It appears that Morin may have inadvertently broken his own rule regarding the strict banning of half-shirts during league play. During a hotly contested series, a Grand Bitches blitzer grabbed Carlos around the mid-section, tearing his regulation " T-shirt" into what on-lookers described as " much too revealing".

A league spokesman stated that, "although we are aware the initial tearing of the shirt was unintentional, we are concerned that, after the play, Morin appeared to flout league rules by continuing the contest in what had been rendered an illegal uniform." He further went on to say that an investigation will be conducted, and the proper fines levied against Morin if the league deems it appropriate.

Further complicating the issue are allegations by Chronicle reporters Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams that Morin may have been using illegal equipment in the form of a pre-ripped T-shirt supplied by Morin's trainer, Hulk Hogan. The reporters stated that their book on the subject, "Carlos Morin: The Recently Told Story" will be out next month. Morin vehemently denied recieivng any such equipment from Hogan, stating that the extent of Hogan's training involved body oiling and of course Hogan's trademark "leg drop". When asked about the scandal, Morin issued this public statement "Go fuck yourselves."

The league is expected to rule on the matter by the end of the week.

Grand Bitches Face Punched by The Face Punchers

2006-05-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

In the first official game of the season, The Face Punchers proved to be a dominant force in the Full-Contact Beach Football League, which is made up of only one team, The Face Punchers. However, on Memorial Day The Face Punchers were challenged by The Grand Bitches from Hotel Monaco and as the heading states, were face punched by the official score of 9-2. The Grand Bitches, led by team captain Brian Whats-His-Name, had no chance against the remarkable defense of Jim "Nipple Rings" McFadden, Carlos "The Arm" Morin, Justin "Good Hands" Schmidt, Jessica "I thought this was volleyball?" Randall, Antonio "Legs" Perez and Jesse "I'm tired, can we stop?" Hodge. The previously mentioned players stopped the Grand Bitches to only 2 touchdowns and at this point in the season, have the #1 defense in all of F.C.B.F.L.

On offense, The Face Punchers ran all over The Grand Bitches. Carlos "The Arm" Morin threw for a F.C.B.F.L. best as well as a personal best, completing 75% of all passes, and not to mention, scoring two touchdowns. "My knee went down before the goal line so it actually wasn't a touchdown", replied Morin, "but fuck it, we just won't tell 'em". - Morin, after scoring a touchdown that actually wasn't a touchdown.
But the success of The Face Punchers came from the rest of the offense, who fought and wrestled their way across the goal line 9 times. Schmidt, Jesse and McFadden proved to be playmakers for The Face Punchers, pulling in several hard-to-get passes and making key plays to keep The Face Punchers on top.
Antonio, who just recently got fired from Clift for giving free drinks to small boys, provided broken english as well as humor to an already tired team.
"What the fuck did he say?"- Morin, after a play suggestion from Antonio.
"That mother fucker should be deported!"- McFadden, on Antonio.
Despite the ability to speak the English language, Antonio's legs proved to be spectacular, while running through and past defenders and proving to be a Mexi-can rather than a Mexi-can't.
Jessica Randall dropped two passes and threw another away, for no apparent reason.
"What the fuck are you doin?!" The Face Punchers and Grand Bitches after Jessica Randall deliberately threw away a caught pass.
Her reply? "Carlos, we're talking about this when we get home."

The females, Jessica Randall and some hot chick named Cali, joined in and provided girl on girl action as well as hard-ons for the rest of the players.
"Hey Mom, look what I can do!!- Justin Schmidt while pointing to his rock hard manhood after watching the girls wrestle after a ball.

All in all, the first game of the 2006 season turned out to be a success.
The Face Punchers for this game would like to dedicate their victory to the rest of our homies but especially to David DeChantal, who contemplated quitting his job, just for a chance to play.
David, this buds for you.

The Original 2006 Face Punchers Bio

2006-05-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

Carlos Morin
The founder and inventor of Sunday football . Morin, a native of Texas who is Mexican-American but looks Middle-Eastern and acts Caucasian, is currently a struggling mens designer trying to make it big. He enjoys sleeping at work, Dan Lewis and quick tempers. His man-titties, not to be confused for pectorals, are sure to one day have their own zip-code.
Jim Mcfadden
The co-founder of Sunday Football. McFadden is an artists of many talents to include acting, directing, songwriting but more than anything else, leaving work early. His sweet and sultry voice is a mainstay at open mikes around the city. He also enjoys latin chicks, white girls and black booty ho's. McFadden is to be credited with the phrase "coo".
Taylor Haisch
Taylor, although rather clumsy at times, is a vigilante on the field. He stands 6'5" and with an armspan of 9 ft", he is dangerous to all Q.B.'s. Taylor enjoys titty bars, fighting with his ol' lady about why he enjoys titty bars and last but not least, returning back to the titty bars.
Aaron Keene
Aaron comes to us from Lake Tahoe, Nevada, where he was a premier snowboarder. A wanna-be film director, Aaron enjoys sex in Limos, sex in public bathrooms and sex while working.
Andrew Stych
Andrew, the only Canadian and another original Face Puncher, is a rather quiet one. He enjoys feminine facial products, staying faithful to his ladyfriend and most of all, staring off into the distance.
David De Chantal
David, an avid Face Puncher, is a force to be reckoned with. His balls-to-the-wall attitude is sure to attract the attention of future beach football scouts. He enjoys working graveyard, bums that dig through the trash and teaching hobos a "lesson".
Peter Counts
Peter, another struggling artist, is all the way from Seattle Washington. He enjoys Pabst Blue Ribbon, The Hemlock and Pabst inside the Hemlock. Peter is a new addition to the Face Punchers so his skills are literally unheard of, but with a 5'4", 115 lb. frame, Peter is sure to start at every position.
Mark Brown
Mark comes to the Face Punchers from somewhere in Russia. He enjoys getting robbed of $300 dollars at massage parlors, his homosexual boss and rolling his bike. Mark is known for his speed on the field as well as hurting himself.
Aaron Brodeur
Aaron, a graphic designer, is another vigilante on the sand. He enjoys reading, writing and drawing and now that I think about it, probably should not be playing for the Face Punchers.

Ladies and Gentlemen:
These are your 2006 Hometown Face Punchers.

2006-05-26T02:48:00.000-07:00

Hey, why do all the NFG's get write-up's and none of the OG's. What about last games results. Bitch! Carlos, when I see you I am going to brake your godamn hip old man. That 7 alligator shit aint gonna cut the mustard father time!
THE KID

Recently Drafted Face Punchers

2006-05-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

My fellow Face Punchers:
I would like to announce the induction of our new Face Punchers to be announced and inducted on this announced induction day of May 25, 2006.
We welcome the following announced inductees:

Rich Kahle - Rich comes to us from Souther California. He has a B.F.A. in Bell hopping and a M.F.A. in Colored Chicks. He enjoys talking about nonsense and engaging us in his annoying heckle of a laugh. Welcome to The face Punchers, Rich.

Justin Schmidt - Justin comes to us from somewhere, but who really cares. He has started his career with Clift just recently and has enjoyed standing, pacing and waiting. His Napolean attitude will be a much needed attribute to the Face Punchers.
Welcome, Justin.

Elder Natareno - Elder comes to us from L.A. As a product of East L.A. Gangs, Elder is sure to become a force to be reckon with. Elder enjoys beatings from his girlfriend, braces and forgetting his pants once his shift begins. Lets all welcome Elder to The Face Punchers.
Welcome, Elder.

Adam McBride - Adam, who stands 6'5" on his back, comes to us from Sideburns,U.S.A He enjoys sideburns, Russians and sex on the first date. Adam is an ex-rugby player who retired from the sport only recently to try his hand in security. Lets all welcome Adam to The Face Punchers.
Welcom, Adam.

Gentlemen, let's hear it for our new additions to The Face Punchers.

Added Rules and Regulations

2006-05-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

Gentlemen,
Please take note of the added rules to be administered a.s.a.p.

Memorial Day Football

2006-05-23T17:33:00.000-07:00

Gentlemen!! and McFadden too.

This Monday the 29th will be our next full-contact football game and will be at Ocean Beach in the same spot as last time.
Make sure to bring food and drinks if you plan to stay a while. Their is a Safeway nearby for any last minute beer runs.
The Grand Cafe plans to bring a few amatuers to the sand so well see if they can match up to the brains and braun of The Face Punchers.
Seeing how they are from the other side of the street, a good ol' fashion rumble might be a good idea. "Do it for Johnny!" - Matt Dillon (The Outsiders, circa 1985)

The following will occur:
3:00----preferred arrival
4:00----kick-off
4:00 to 7:00-----ass-kicking
7:00 until whenever----bon-fire, bitches, borgy, beer, beach balls and brodeur
midnight---good ol' fashion rumble

Official Rules and Regulations of your hometown Face Punchers

2006-05-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

1. no half shirts
2. no mesh shirts
3. no fanny packs
4. no bicycle shorts/half shirt combinations
5. if you have man-breast, you will be placed on the team marked "shirts"
6. if you wear shorts, you must push down your socks.
7. if your girlfriend plays, she will be placed on the team marked "skins" and if she acquires the ball at anytime, will be manhandled in more ways than one. if she complains, she will be slapped on top of the head so as not to leave any marks seeing how her hair will cover them up.
8. if two players fall to the ground, no wrestling is to occur. tickling is the only exception.
9. no boyfriends (or gay bosses, Mark)

Drug and alcohol use is strictly enforced.

Rules and regulations are subject to change and will be added as situations arise.

2006 Face Punchers Football Schedule

2006-05-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

Dates / Venue / Kick-Off

June 11 / Ocean Beach / 4 p.m.
June 25 /Baker Beach / 4 p.m.
July 02 / Crissy Fields / 4 p.m.
July 09 /Fort Mason / 4 p.m.
July 16 /Golden Gate Park / 4 p.m.
July 23 /Aquatic Park/ 4 p.m.
July 30 /Ocean Beach / 4 p.m.
Aug 06 /Baker Beach / 4 p.m.
Aug 13 /Crissy Fields / 4 p.m.
Aug 20 /Fort Mason / 4 p.m.
Aug 27 /Aquatic Park / 4 p.m.

All dates and venues are subject to change.

Let it be known that the games scheduled at Baker Beach are clothing optional. However, rules will be strictly enforced.