Facepunchers Sponsor First Ever Can-Opener Drive
During today's press conference, The Facepunchers announced that they will Sponsor the first ever "Can-Opener Drive" to help the less fortunate this holiday season. The team's founders told confused reporters that, "with all the focus on canned-food drives, we realized that those in need would have no way to open all the cans they get." Carlos Morin and Jim McFadden, seen in the photo, then announced that the team is partnering with Tenderloin liquor stores to collect can-openers this December.
While reporters were at first skeptical of the team's commitment to helping the needy, they acknowledged that the can openers are in fact a necessity in opening the thousands of cans of creamed corn and spinach that canned food drives are expected to generate. The press did however, note that this may be another of the team's attempts to direct attention away from their most recent scandals and arrests.
One reporter was quick to mention the disastrous "Father-Bum Picnic", a way of reaching out to connect with local vagrants. The event quickly turned ugly as members of The Facepunchers used money recently awarded from a team sponsor of the event to aid the Tenderloin street urchins in purchasing several "fifty rocks" of crack, which were then smoked to fuel a city-wide rampage of death and destruction. The melee ended at at a local massage parlor where the entire group was arrested just as they were attempting to trade hub-cabs and stolen televisions for what would have amounted to what SFPD Chief Ron Ward described as "over one hundred happy endings".
Coach Nash seeked to assuage reporters' doubts, telling them that this event has only a "forty percent chance of involving crack smoking, and only a twenty percent chance of a happy ending." Nash then encouraged the city of San Francisco to join the team's cause, stating "the city's losers and crackheads need to open their cans of all the stuff you threw out because you wouldn't touch it with a twenty foot pole. Please, bring your can-openers to corner stores all across the Tenderloin."
When asked about The Facepuncher's upcoming contest against "Hardcore" Flag Football, Coach Nash was optimistic about the team's chances. "Oh yeah, those guys that play with little toy flags. We're gonna beat them and then use those little flags to tie them up and let the tide wash over their stupid heads."
While reporters were at first skeptical of the team's commitment to helping the needy, they acknowledged that the can openers are in fact a necessity in opening the thousands of cans of creamed corn and spinach that canned food drives are expected to generate. The press did however, note that this may be another of the team's attempts to direct attention away from their most recent scandals and arrests.
One reporter was quick to mention the disastrous "Father-Bum Picnic", a way of reaching out to connect with local vagrants. The event quickly turned ugly as members of The Facepunchers used money recently awarded from a team sponsor of the event to aid the Tenderloin street urchins in purchasing several "fifty rocks" of crack, which were then smoked to fuel a city-wide rampage of death and destruction. The melee ended at at a local massage parlor where the entire group was arrested just as they were attempting to trade hub-cabs and stolen televisions for what would have amounted to what SFPD Chief Ron Ward described as "over one hundred happy endings".
Coach Nash seeked to assuage reporters' doubts, telling them that this event has only a "forty percent chance of involving crack smoking, and only a twenty percent chance of a happy ending." Nash then encouraged the city of San Francisco to join the team's cause, stating "the city's losers and crackheads need to open their cans of all the stuff you threw out because you wouldn't touch it with a twenty foot pole. Please, bring your can-openers to corner stores all across the Tenderloin."
When asked about The Facepuncher's upcoming contest against "Hardcore" Flag Football, Coach Nash was optimistic about the team's chances. "Oh yeah, those guys that play with little toy flags. We're gonna beat them and then use those little flags to tie them up and let the tide wash over their stupid heads."
posted by McFadden at 6:10 PM
4 Comments:
i think i know that guy. we had gym class together. after school, in the dark.
Hey what happend to the picture of my man. that's bullshit don't be teasin me with big wieners then take them off.
as editor, we thought that would be too much fire power for you guys. therefore, jim was deleted.
wow. What clairvoyance.
Post a Comment
<< Home