Team Red Beats Team Black 7-6
"Let there be light" - Jesus
On perhaps one of the most beautiful days to ever shine down on the San Francisco Face Punchers, Super Beach I was played.
The Face Punchers, the leagues most dominate team, arrived at the beach shortly after 1 with their war paint on. Captains Carlos "The Arm" Morin and Brian "If only I could be like Morin" McKelvey, opposing quarterbacks, met at the 50 yard line to engage in paper, rocks, scissors, the F.C.B.F.L's version of the N.F.L's coin toss.
Team Red took possession at the end-zone line with Brian McKelvey at the helm and # 1 draft pick, Adam McBride in the backfield. After running several unsuccessful plays and an interception to Lil' Mosquito for a turnover, Team Black took the ball for the first time.
Morin, perhaps the greatest quarterback to ever play the game, took the pigskin and really shoved it up Team Red's ass by throwing a bomb to Teddy Twonames for the first point of the game.
During the blast towards the end-zone, Team Black suffered their first injury of the day. New recruit Dean "John" Holmes endured a crack to the head and blood poured from his wound like 5-cent bled on BART. It was nasty, real nasty.
After another failed attempt by Team Red to score, Morin came through once again with a second touchdown pass to Lil' Mosquito for the second point of the game and gave Team Black a 2 point advantage. The future looked bleek for Team Red by this time but they finally came back and with a touchdown pass to Jin Voeks, made the score 3-1.
Later, Morin and his crew were stuffed on a fourth and goal conversion and were forced to give the ball back. Jim McFadden, upset by his teammates lack of passion, took the ball and ran it up Team Black's ass with several first down conversions and a hand-off to Adam McBride, to make the score 3-2.
After Team Red tied the score to 3-3, Team Black put their last point on the board before the half. Team Red followed shortly with 3 minutes left for the half to tie it up at 4.
The Halftime Show
This years halftime show was packed with star-studded celebrities and wild performances. Lady killers, Michael Bolton, Kenny Loggins and Milli Vanilli were this years special entertainers, driving the women crazy and keeping their pussies wetter than Morin and Brodeur in a hot spring.
But the real action wasn't at the half.
Tied at 4-4, Team Red changed their strategy and came out swinging. Team Black, unable to leave their own endzone, gave in to the fighting red and failed to produce any t.d's. Self proclaimed whiskey drinking mother fucker, Jim McFadden again came through but this time on defense. Responsible for several failed completions to willing receivers, McFadden shut down the passing game and allowed Team Red to score three more times on plays by Adam McBride, Jin Voeks and Brian McKelvey, to put the scoreboard at 7-4.
But McFadden and and his "D", came into check and after another phenomenal pass to Mark Brown, Team Black fought back to remain on Team Red's side of the sand. Team Black scored two more times to get the score back to 7-6 with catches by new recruits Dean "John" Holmes and Lil' Mosquito.
Team Red, trying to stop the rush, lost Peter Counts to a freak toe accident. A sight unbearable to all. Counts, who turned out fine, was rushed to the hospital and was out of the game permanently, hurting Red's chances at a possible victory.
But perhaps the most memorable play came with 5 minutes left in the game.
At first down, five yards out of tying the game, Team Black had four chances to capture the title. Several downs later and fourth, Morin rolled out left to find a receiver. There, in his chops, were Line Backer Adam McBride. Morin was hit but on his way down, let the ball go to a sailed out Dean Holmes.
But it wasn't enough and Team Black was shut down, leaving Team Red to wind down the clock, leaving them to frollick in their happiness.
But despite the outcome, it was a successful day for the San Francisco Face Punchers, who played to a sell-out crowd of 30 plus spectators.
The second season plans to be a huge hit with all of the remaining Face Punchers returning to camp, scheduled for sometime in April.
The Face Punchers, who have scheduled their Christmas Party and Awards Ceremony for December 17th, will issue the Dan Lewis Award, to the player who has exuded much assholeness, as well as the Alex Walterspiel Award, for the player that oozes Nazi Lesbianism at it's finest.
Stay tuned to The Weekly Face Puncher for more packed action.