Kahle Beaten By Rabid Fan, Out For Season
In a startling turn of events this week, Facepuncher Richard Kahle was attacked by a fanatical fan and may miss the rest of the season as a result of his injuries. While leaving a Black Panther Party meeting in the heart of the Tenderloin, Rich, wearing the white shirt, was accosted by Al Smyth, a long-time fan of Facepunchers football. Al, approaching Rich under the premise of collecting donations for the "I Hate Whitey Foundation," grabbed Rich by his hair and slammed him to the ground, as seen in the photo. Al then proceeded to kick Rich repeatedly, screaming "You don't even care about the team at all... and cut your hair, you look like you're wearing a coonskin cap!"
Rich, a Facepuncher recently in danger of being demoted to the Bitch Leagues due to his lackluster showing this season and overall low level of committment to the team, is in critical condition at St. Francis Hospital. When asked what this would mean for the team, Coach Nash had this to say: "Rich who? Oh, that guy with the hair. Was he on the team?" Visibly drunk on Winner's Cup vodka, Coach Nash then told reporters he had to go because he's "got to get back to my boat over international waters before the man deports me." Just before exiting the room he then shouted, "do any of you ladies out there want to get married? I can play the kazoo!"
Al, now in custody at the Tenderloin station under the care of Police Chief Ron Ward, was unrepentant when he spoke with reporters earlier this morning. "He had it coming, everyone knows that. The hair, the slacking off, the 'pectoral injuries', it was all a bunch of bullshit. He needed to get taught a lesson for letting the team down." When asked if he would do it all again, Al stated, "Hell yes, the Facepunchers are a huge hit with the prison community. I get treated like a king in here for what I did to help the team. By the way, I gotta go fellas, my Chardonnay and lobster salad are ready."
Though he was heavily sedated, Rich did have a few words for the Chronicle in regards to the assault, and he expressed disappointment that he would miss the Father-Bum picnic later this month: "I was really looking forward to connecting with our crack-smoking brothers and sisters of the Tenderloin. Also, I like picnics."
Team co-founders Morin and McFadden released a public statement in an attempt to put yet another scandal to rest. "We at Facepunchers Headquarters were both shocked and mildly annoyed to hear about this kind-of-tragic incident. We applaud Al's decision to take the law into his own hands, and hope that prison is as kind to him as it was to us. Also, we are pleased and relieved to hear that this latest scandal does not involve gay love, midgets, river-boat gambling, or that hooker we accidentally suffocated in Brodeur's trunk."