The Weekly Face Puncher: Kahle tests clean, in trouble with league

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Kahle tests clean, in trouble with league

In a month marred by scandals and debauchery, not to mention the public outing of league founder Carlos "I was young and needed the money" Morin, the Facepunchers have recieved more bad news. This time, it comes from a Chronicle report that Rich "maybe we ought to just play two-hand-touch" Kahle has tested clean in a surprise drug screening conducted by the league. Although the results are not due to be announced publicly until the end of the month, a preliminary lab report has been leaked to Chronicle reporters by an unknown source. On an unrelated topic, a special thanks to Andrew "I dress like a lesbian housepainter" Stitch...the check's in the mail, bud.

Fellow teammate Aaron "I don't have a long nickname yet" Keene was shocked by the news, stating "I knew he was a square, but I didn't realize things had gotten so out of hand." The league has yet to issue a public statement regarding the results, but a steep fine and the possibility of enrolling Kahle in a mandatory Drug and Alcohol Appreciation Program seem likely. Kahle had this to say in his defense, "I was plenty drunk. A retest will prove me right, you wait and see. Also, Carlos is still gay and Elder's girlfriend beats him up--I hate white people."

In response to Kahle's comments, league insiders agreed that his attempts to deflect the attention to the recent plentitude of Facepuncher scandals is likely due to his almost certain culpability in violating league rules. In Kahle's defense, members of the player's union have called the league's rules regarding acceptable levels of intoxication "unclear", and "vague".
Currently, the rule states that "all participants in the FCBFL must be intoxicated to the level that they would sleep with a fat chick while involved in all aspects of league play and related media events." Union leaders complained that the league has failed to specify "how fat of a chick?" and "What if she has a good personality?" So far, the league has resisted changes to existing rules, claiming that "the rules are fine, buds--so quit your bitching." In a statement addressing the union's concerns, the league had this to say: "You know a fat chick when you see one" and "You can't have sex with her personality, now can you?"

The league however, did state that Kahle would be eligible for this Sunday's match-up against The Art School Fags.

More on this story, and the results of a possible re-test, as it develops.


Blogger Brodeur said...

am I considered fat?

I mean, I'm at least girly, right?

9:24 PM, June 24, 2006  
Blogger McFadden said...

Is someone looking to get lucky this sunday?

3:06 PM, June 25, 2006  
Blogger Los said...

"i can get open, but i can't catch" - Aaron Brodeur

11:17 PM, June 25, 2006  

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