The Weekly Face Puncher: Facepunchers Grind out Victory--Remain Undefeated

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Facepunchers Grind out Victory--Remain Undefeated

In a drag-down, knock-out, no holds barred contest, the Facepunchers improved on their undefeated season-- leaving them 5-0 and in first place of the FCBFL. Sunday's game showcased strong defensive performances from both sides, and points were difficult to come by. The contest featured several new faces, each player bringing talent to an already dominating ball-club. Standouts included Jin "I'm really drunk" Voeks, Manual a.k.a "The White Carlos with the Mexican name", Mike from Arizona, and Chuck with the red shirt.

In traditional Facepuncher fashion, team stalwarts Adam "thank god he wore longer shorts this time" McBride, Ted "for every shirt I tear in half I donate $5 to charity and I'm going broke" Scott-Smith, and Jim "I didn't feel like playing quarterback" McFadden all had strong showings in Sunday's game. Adam continued to cause match-up problems for the defense with his height and apparent dislike for wearing pants, frustrating and blinding opposing defenders. In response to complaints about his patented "no pants" reception in the third quarter, McBride replied "You gotta be willing to put it all out there to win games in this league. Plus, if I get tackled just right, I'll score even if I don't make it to the end zone." After the game, opposing corners reported to head trainer Stepahnie Hart for eye examinations to test for retinal damage after being exposed to what onlookers decsribed as "a light more blinding than a thousand suns".

In honor of founder Carlos "the Mexican tornado" Morin and his groin-related absence from this week's contest, Jin wore his trademark "bright orange hat" for the duration of the game. When asked about the hat, Jin told reporters that "although Carlos couldn't make it out for the game, I feel like while wearing the hat, a little bit of Carlos was inside each and every one of us today." Jin followed these remarks by adding "Oh hell, I hope to Christ you guys don't print that. Will twenty bucks take care of it?"

In Morin's absence, new-comer Manual proved an able replacement at quarterback, leading several of the team's scoring drives. Manual stated "As a rookie, I wanted to come out and prove myself to the team. It's an honor to play for such a prestigious organization and I think Coach Nash is one of the FCBFL's all-time greatest football minds." Coach Nash also received high praise from co-founder and starting receiver/cornerback Jim McFadden. McFadden told the Chronicle that "I came into this week under a lot of pressure with Carlos being in Texas having his groin lasered and all. Coach Nash did a great job prepping me for the game and helping me deal with the fan's high expectations. Sure, he doesn't always show up to practice, he's frequently falling-down drunk, and he speaks english at a third-grade level, but he knows how to lead this team week-in and week-out. Whatever the hell that means." When asked if his five receiving TD's were a result of Nash's gameplan, McFadden replied "game-plan?" and then proceeded to threaten Chronicle reporters, screaming "get out of my office!" despite the fact that he was laying in a kiddie-pool filled with malt-liquor on his front lawn. Also of note was David "my last name has a space in it" De Chantal's performance early in the game, recording passing TD's in his first three drives and providing an early spark for the first-place team.

Standing at 5-0, the Facepunchers are poised for a run at the playoffs and possibly a championship contender. When asked about his team's chances of reaching the big show, Coach Nash had this to say "As a Cuban immigraqnt who came to this country on a floating door, I'm just happy to be here competing. Also, I'm out of patrol vodka and the 12th floor is code four."

The Facepunchers next match should be a barn-burner, as they're slated to play the rival Art School Fags, who forfeited the team's previous match-up.


Blogger TeddyTwoNames said...

this is quite possibly the best facepunching team i have seen in decades. this might be THE year, praise jesus...

10:52 PM, August 01, 2006  
Blogger Los said...

ill be back as soon as i get this shit off my dick.

5:00 PM, August 04, 2006  
Blogger Coach Nash said...

You better get your shit together, man! We're going all the way, puto! Crusty dongs and all!

3:02 PM, August 05, 2006  

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