Face Punchers suffer devastating loss...Carlos Morin missing

The Face Punchers were embarrased this past weekend with their first loss to Hard Core Flag Football. A ridiculous score of 98-8, the Face Punchers have contacted BALCO to inquire whether or not Hard Core players were on steroids. When asked what made him think they were on illegal growth hormones, Morin stated that "they were big and screamed alot...mostly at me".


The game started at exactly 1:30 with the Face Punchers taking possession. Shortly after being stuffed at the line, the Face Punchers opted to punt. A few plays later, Hard Core was in the endzone to make the score 1-0. The last two sentences repeated 16 times for a final score of 98-8. No, that's not a typo, it really was 98-8.


Carlos "The Arm" Morin, 3-time self-proclaimed MVP, could not live up to his name (that he respectfully gave to himself), throwing for a club record 6 interceptions and 5 yards passing. To add, his contract with the Face Punchers organization is in jeopardy. Reporters have tried to contact Morin but noone is answering at his Tenderloin Mansion. A sign outside his door reads, "Noone is here". A mat also lies on the floor reading, "Welcome", an interesting turn of events since noone is there to welcome you.



It was, however, a beautiful Sunday for football but Jesus Christ was certainly not with the Face Punchers, instead, he showed up sporting a rugby jersey and a sign that read, "If flags are for fags than call me Mary". Oh, Jesus. What a kidder.

Another sell-out crowd turned out with a total of 30 plus fans, all who received a cum towel at the gate from their favorite Face Puncher. Cum towel supervisor Claudia, was on hand to pass them out to the first 30 fans. "There's certainly more where these came from", she continued, "whoops!, I got some on my face...mmm, that's good".



Perhaps the greatest highlight of the day was a whale that beached for the day to watch the game. Wearing a black #90 Face Puncher jersey and a thumbs up for his favorite team, the beached whale cheered his team on. Hey whale, thanks.

The Face Punchers, now in the off-season, are not scheduled to return to the sand until spring for training camps and exhibition games.

Keep your pages turned to the Weekly Face Puncher to find out what your favorite player is doing. Chances are, it has something to do with homosexuality.

Correction: After this article was written, it was discovered that what was thought to be a beached whale was the Face Punchers center, Brett Sturgell, signaling to the crowd that he loves a nice thumb up his ass.

The End.

Facepunchers Sponsor First Ever Can-Opener Drive

During today's press conference, The Facepunchers announced that they will Sponsor the first ever "Can-Opener Drive" to help the less fortunate this holiday season. The team's founders told confused reporters that, "with all the focus on canned-food drives, we realized that those in need would have no way to open all the cans they get." Carlos Morin and Jim McFadden, seen in the photo, then announced that the team is partnering with Tenderloin liquor stores to collect can-openers this December.

While reporters were at first skeptical of the team's commitment to helping the needy, they acknowledged that the can openers are in fact a necessity in opening the thousands of cans of creamed corn and spinach that canned food drives are expected to generate. The press did however, note that this may be another of the team's attempts to direct attention away from their most recent scandals and arrests.

One reporter was quick to mention the disastrous "Father-Bum Picnic", a way of reaching out to connect with local vagrants. The event quickly turned ugly as members of The Facepunchers used money recently awarded from a team sponsor of the event to aid the Tenderloin street urchins in purchasing several "fifty rocks" of crack, which were then smoked to fuel a city-wide rampage of death and destruction. The melee ended at at a local massage parlor where the entire group was arrested just as they were attempting to trade hub-cabs and stolen televisions for what would have amounted to what SFPD Chief Ron Ward described as "over one hundred happy endings".

Coach Nash seeked to assuage reporters' doubts, telling them that this event has only a "forty percent chance of involving crack smoking, and only a twenty percent chance of a happy ending." Nash then encouraged the city of San Francisco to join the team's cause, stating "the city's losers and crackheads need to open their cans of all the stuff you threw out because you wouldn't touch it with a twenty foot pole. Please, bring your can-openers to corner stores all across the Tenderloin."

When asked about The Facepuncher's upcoming contest against "Hardcore" Flag Football, Coach Nash was optimistic about the team's chances. "Oh yeah, those guys that play with little toy flags. We're gonna beat them and then use those little flags to tie them up and let the tide wash over their stupid heads."