Face Punchers Recruit Heavily from Opposite Side of the Line

During opening week of the Full-Contact Beach Football League, The Face Punchers successfully signed a talented quaterback/receiver, to a one summer deal, worth absolutely nothing. Brian, who was recently with the Grand Bitches from the Hotel Monaco and was present during Memorial Day's clobbering, signed on the dotted line for an estimated $1 signing bonus, plus incentives.

"Well, I watched Brian on the sidelines throwing the pigskin around and thought to myself, we could use him", "he's young, fresh and talented, and has a great arm", Morin continued. "So I called him up, made an offer he couldn't refuse and boom, we had our guy." "We're very excited to have him, besides, his girlfriend is hot and it would be nice to see her on the sidelines cheering me on", says Morin with a serious look on his face.
When asked of his opportunity, Brian had this to say, "We'll I'm not so sure anymore, with the recent allegations and all, and what's this I hear about sex amongst the players? I know I received a buck for signing but come'on, it's only a dollar and I can give it back."

When this reporter asked what he planned to do about the recent sex scandal, Brian only said, "We'll shit, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"

Morin in trouble with league officials...again

In the wake of Monday's action, league officials have stated that they are looking into a possible violation of league rules by founder Carlos Morin. It appears that Morin may have inadvertently broken his own rule regarding the strict banning of half-shirts during league play. During a hotly contested series, a Grand Bitches blitzer grabbed Carlos around the mid-section, tearing his regulation " T-shirt" into what on-lookers described as " much too revealing".

A league spokesman stated that, "although we are aware the initial tearing of the shirt was unintentional, we are concerned that, after the play, Morin appeared to flout league rules by continuing the contest in what had been rendered an illegal uniform." He further went on to say that an investigation will be conducted, and the proper fines levied against Morin if the league deems it appropriate.

Further complicating the issue are allegations by Chronicle reporters Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams that Morin may have been using illegal equipment in the form of a pre-ripped T-shirt supplied by Morin's trainer, Hulk Hogan. The reporters stated that their book on the subject, "Carlos Morin: The Recently Told Story" will be out next month. Morin vehemently denied recieivng any such equipment from Hogan, stating that the extent of Hogan's training involved body oiling and of course Hogan's trademark "leg drop". When asked about the scandal, Morin issued this public statement "Go fuck yourselves."

The league is expected to rule on the matter by the end of the week.

Grand Bitches Face Punched by The Face Punchers

In the first official game of the season, The Face Punchers proved to be a dominant force in the Full-Contact Beach Football League, which is made up of only one team, The Face Punchers. However, on Memorial Day The Face Punchers were challenged by The Grand Bitches from Hotel Monaco and as the heading states, were face punched by the official score of 9-2. The Grand Bitches, led by team captain Brian Whats-His-Name, had no chance against the remarkable defense of Jim "Nipple Rings" McFadden, Carlos "The Arm" Morin, Justin "Good Hands" Schmidt, Jessica "I thought this was volleyball?" Randall, Antonio "Legs" Perez and Jesse "I'm tired, can we stop?" Hodge. The previously mentioned players stopped the Grand Bitches to only 2 touchdowns and at this point in the season, have the #1 defense in all of F.C.B.F.L.

On offense, The Face Punchers ran all over The Grand Bitches. Carlos "The Arm" Morin threw for a F.C.B.F.L. best as well as a personal best, completing 75% of all passes, and not to mention, scoring two touchdowns. "My knee went down before the goal line so it actually wasn't a touchdown", replied Morin, "but fuck it, we just won't tell 'em". - Morin, after scoring a touchdown that actually wasn't a touchdown.
But the success of The Face Punchers came from the rest of the offense, who fought and wrestled their way across the goal line 9 times. Schmidt, Jesse and McFadden proved to be playmakers for The Face Punchers, pulling in several hard-to-get passes and making key plays to keep The Face Punchers on top.
Antonio, who just recently got fired from Clift for giving free drinks to small boys, provided broken english as well as humor to an already tired team.
"What the fuck did he say?"- Morin, after a play suggestion from Antonio.
"That mother fucker should be deported!"- McFadden, on Antonio.
Despite the ability to speak the English language, Antonio's legs proved to be spectacular, while running through and past defenders and proving to be a Mexi-can rather than a Mexi-can't.
Jessica Randall dropped two passes and threw another away, for no apparent reason.
"What the fuck are you doin?!" The Face Punchers and Grand Bitches after Jessica Randall deliberately threw away a caught pass.
Her reply? "Carlos, we're talking about this when we get home."

The females, Jessica Randall and some hot chick named Cali, joined in and provided girl on girl action as well as hard-ons for the rest of the players.
"Hey Mom, look what I can do!!- Justin Schmidt while pointing to his rock hard manhood after watching the girls wrestle after a ball.

All in all, the first game of the 2006 season turned out to be a success.
The Face Punchers for this game would like to dedicate their victory to the rest of our homies but especially to David DeChantal, who contemplated quitting his job, just for a chance to play.
David, this buds for you.

The Original 2006 Face Punchers Bio

Carlos Morin
The founder and inventor of Sunday football . Morin, a native of Texas who is Mexican-American but looks Middle-Eastern and acts Caucasian, is currently a struggling mens designer trying to make it big. He enjoys sleeping at work, Dan Lewis and quick tempers. His man-titties, not to be confused for pectorals, are sure to one day have their own zip-code.
Jim Mcfadden
The co-founder of Sunday Football. McFadden is an artists of many talents to include acting, directing, songwriting but more than anything else, leaving work early. His sweet and sultry voice is a mainstay at open mikes around the city. He also enjoys latin chicks, white girls and black booty ho's. McFadden is to be credited with the phrase "coo".
Taylor Haisch
Taylor, although rather clumsy at times, is a vigilante on the field. He stands 6'5" and with an armspan of 9 ft", he is dangerous to all Q.B.'s. Taylor enjoys titty bars, fighting with his ol' lady about why he enjoys titty bars and last but not least, returning back to the titty bars.
Aaron Keene
Aaron comes to us from Lake Tahoe, Nevada, where he was a premier snowboarder. A wanna-be film director, Aaron enjoys sex in Limos, sex in public bathrooms and sex while working.
Andrew Stych
Andrew, the only Canadian and another original Face Puncher, is a rather quiet one. He enjoys feminine facial products, staying faithful to his ladyfriend and most of all, staring off into the distance.
David De Chantal
David, an avid Face Puncher, is a force to be reckoned with. His balls-to-the-wall attitude is sure to attract the attention of future beach football scouts. He enjoys working graveyard, bums that dig through the trash and teaching hobos a "lesson".
Peter Counts
Peter, another struggling artist, is all the way from Seattle Washington. He enjoys Pabst Blue Ribbon, The Hemlock and Pabst inside the Hemlock. Peter is a new addition to the Face Punchers so his skills are literally unheard of, but with a 5'4", 115 lb. frame, Peter is sure to start at every position.
Mark Brown
Mark comes to the Face Punchers from somewhere in Russia. He enjoys getting robbed of $300 dollars at massage parlors, his homosexual boss and rolling his bike. Mark is known for his speed on the field as well as hurting himself.
Aaron Brodeur
Aaron, a graphic designer, is another vigilante on the sand. He enjoys reading, writing and drawing and now that I think about it, probably should not be playing for the Face Punchers.

Ladies and Gentlemen:
These are your 2006 Hometown Face Punchers.

Hey, why do all the NFG's get write-up's and none of the OG's. What about last games results. Bitch! Carlos, when I see you I am going to brake your godamn hip old man. That 7 alligator shit aint gonna cut the mustard father time!
THE KID

Recently Drafted Face Punchers

My fellow Face Punchers:
I would like to announce the induction of our new Face Punchers to be announced and inducted on this announced induction day of May 25, 2006.
We welcome the following announced inductees:

Rich Kahle - Rich comes to us from Souther California. He has a B.F.A. in Bell hopping and a M.F.A. in Colored Chicks. He enjoys talking about nonsense and engaging us in his annoying heckle of a laugh. Welcome to The face Punchers, Rich.

Justin Schmidt - Justin comes to us from somewhere, but who really cares. He has started his career with Clift just recently and has enjoyed standing, pacing and waiting. His Napolean attitude will be a much needed attribute to the Face Punchers.
Welcome, Justin.

Elder Natareno - Elder comes to us from L.A. As a product of East L.A. Gangs, Elder is sure to become a force to be reckon with. Elder enjoys beatings from his girlfriend, braces and forgetting his pants once his shift begins. Lets all welcome Elder to The Face Punchers.
Welcome, Elder.

Adam McBride - Adam, who stands 6'5" on his back, comes to us from Sideburns,U.S.A He enjoys sideburns, Russians and sex on the first date. Adam is an ex-rugby player who retired from the sport only recently to try his hand in security. Lets all welcome Adam to The Face Punchers.
Welcom, Adam.

Gentlemen, let's hear it for our new additions to The Face Punchers.

Added Rules and Regulations

Gentlemen,
Please take note of the added rules to be administered a.s.a.p.

Memorial Day Football

Gentlemen!! and McFadden too.

This Monday the 29th will be our next full-contact football game and will be at Ocean Beach in the same spot as last time.
Make sure to bring food and drinks if you plan to stay a while. Their is a Safeway nearby for any last minute beer runs.
The Grand Cafe plans to bring a few amatuers to the sand so well see if they can match up to the brains and braun of The Face Punchers.
Seeing how they are from the other side of the street, a good ol' fashion rumble might be a good idea. "Do it for Johnny!" - Matt Dillon (The Outsiders, circa 1985)

The following will occur:
3:00----preferred arrival
4:00----kick-off
4:00 to 7:00-----ass-kicking
7:00 until whenever----bon-fire, bitches, borgy, beer, beach balls and brodeur
midnight---good ol' fashion rumble

Official Rules and Regulations of your hometown Face Punchers

1. no half shirts
2. no mesh shirts
3. no fanny packs
4. no bicycle shorts/half shirt combinations
5. if you have man-breast, you will be placed on the team marked "shirts"
6. if you wear shorts, you must push down your socks.
7. if your girlfriend plays, she will be placed on the team marked "skins" and if she acquires the ball at anytime, will be manhandled in more ways than one. if she complains, she will be slapped on top of the head so as not to leave any marks seeing how her hair will cover them up.
8. if two players fall to the ground, no wrestling is to occur. tickling is the only exception.
9. no boyfriends (or gay bosses, Mark)

Drug and alcohol use is strictly enforced.

Rules and regulations are subject to change and will be added as situations arise.

2006 Face Punchers Football Schedule

Dates / Venue / Kick-Off

June 11 / Ocean Beach / 4 p.m.
June 25 /Baker Beach / 4 p.m.
July 02 / Crissy Fields / 4 p.m.
July 09 /Fort Mason / 4 p.m.
July 16 /Golden Gate Park / 4 p.m.
July 23 /Aquatic Park/ 4 p.m.
July 30 /Ocean Beach / 4 p.m.
Aug 06 /Baker Beach / 4 p.m.
Aug 13 /Crissy Fields / 4 p.m.
Aug 20 /Fort Mason / 4 p.m.
Aug 27 /Aquatic Park / 4 p.m.

All dates and venues are subject to change.

Let it be known that the games scheduled at Baker Beach are clothing optional. However, rules will be strictly enforced.