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The Weekly Face Puncher: October 2006

Monday, October 23, 2006

Punchers Announce Draft Picks...McBride Chosen # 1




And so it's done. The draft for the 1st annual Super Beach, which was comprised of the best players of the Full-Contact Beach Football League, was complete this past Sunday making Adam McBride the top overall pick. Teddy Twonames, seen in the photo shaking hands with Team Black Captain Carlos Morin, came in second while Josh Brooks, seen flashing gang signs, was a close third.

McBride dominated the sand this season and will have his work cut out for him. He'll most likely be battling 2nd draft pick, Twonames on the opposite side of the line. Both players will be tested.
Carlos Morin and Brian McKelvey, both team captains, met this past Sunday at the Clift Hotel amongst reporters, media and the general public, to discuss details regarding the game as well as conduct the draft.
Results from the draft are the following:

Team Black

Carlos Morin
Teddy Twonames
Josh Brooks
Mark Brown
Nick Somebody
Taylor Haisch
Aaron Brodeur
Anthony Green
Andrew Stych
David Merkes

Team Red

Brian McKelvey
Adam McBride
Jim McFadden
Peter Counts
Jin Voeks
David De Chantal
Colby Pritchett
Eric Meiser
Justin Schmidt
Jesse Hodge

November 12th ladies and gentleman, be there.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Brian McKelvey To Star On A&E's "Intervention"




This weeks episode of A & E's hit show "Intervention", will feature a familiar face, 2nd string Face Punchers quarterback Brian McKelvey. McKelvey was recruited by the Face Punchers organization in late May as a backup quarterback to Carlos Morin, the obvious star of the team and local celebrity. As the season went on, Brian, a little white boy from Jersey, relished in his position.

McKelvey, who eventually began to get increased playing time, completed few passes, but none comparable to the consistency and accuracy of Morin's. His little talent and average skills eventually weighed in on his head, thus causing him to gloat and brag about his meager abilities.

Unfortunately his condition, friends say, was unsurmountable, leaving loved ones to worry about his well-being.

Why? "Because he's not that good", friends say. Brian's friends, seen in the photo, have done everything to convince him he actually sucks, and are down to their last straw. In a last effort, they have agreed to allow A & E's "Intervention" to take over.

The hit documentary show profiles people who are losing the battle with their addictions, and whose friends and families feel the only remaining option is to hold an intervention. Brians addiction is himself.

Each documentary follows the lives of these addicts, taking an unflinching look at the impact of their addictions on their everyday lives, all while the addicts are unaware that an intervention is being planned.

Each airing ends with friends, family and a professional interventionist urging the addict to undergo treatment. If the individual should choose treatment, the addict immediately enters a widely respected treatment facility.

"We never thought it would get this bad", fellow teammates say, "all he does is talk about how good he is and how great of a quarterback he is...it's ridiculous 'cause he's really not that great". "Sure he's made a pass or two but come on, any one can do what he does".
"We just want him to get help and talk to someone, he doesn't listen to us anymore."

Unfortunately for Mckelvey, under the contract he signed, it states that any "2nd string player recruited to allow the starting player a break, requires life assistance through any type of therapy, he will be responsible for payment to the institution".
Morin, Brian's mentor, will be working very, very closely with Brian's girlfriend to see that he receives all the assistance he needs.
"If I have to stay up all hours of the night with his ladyfriend to get him the help he needs, I will, and trust me, I look forward to spending time with her", stated Morin.

The show will air this coming Monday at 9:00 p.t. on A & E.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Face Punchers Win Their Tenth...Savage Sadie Voted M.V.P.






Chalk up another one for the San Francisco Face Punchers. They have reached their 10th victory in a row, making them undefeated in the F.C.B.F.L. The Punchers, who are ranked first in the league in all offensive and defensive categories, were unruly this afternoon with "Savage Sadie" bringing home the title of Most Valuable Pussy.

Ms. Savage was all over the sand with three unassisted tackles as well as four receptions earning her the right to play with the big boys.
"Boo ya bitch!", she yelled, while standing above Teddy Twonames, just after ringing his bell. Twonames, who was shaken up after the play said, "I rolled around to the left and saw an opening, I turned it up and boom, she was there. Next thing I know they were carrying me off the field...that bitch is crazy". Josh, the only player sponsored by Nike and the only dumbass who actually bought wide receiver gloves, was another victim of the "Savage". "Yeah, she's tough. You just gotta avoid her. Otherwise you wind up hurt" - Josh, in reference to "Savage".
"Shes a fuckin' man", stated Jin Voeks, "I had a crush on her when I met her but after she took me off my feet, I hate her".

The San Franciso Chronicle interviewed Savage on her playmaking skills and here is her interview:

SFC: Hi Savage. That was a helluva game you played out there today. How do you feel?

SS: I feel pretty damn good. I came out here today to play some ball and prove my worth to this team and I think I did pretty well.

SFC: You made some key tackles out there. Is this the last we've heard of you?

SS: Shit no. Ill be back in two weeks. I plan to hit McFadden too. That son-of-a-bitch talks alot of noise.

SFC: Savage, where does all your aggression come from?

SS: Well, my boyfriend Jin Voeks has problems getting his dick hard, so I haven't had sex since I dated Morin, our star quarterback. Jin is working on his problem but from what I understand, it stems from a childhood incident involving a priest.

SFC: Savage, thanks so much for your time. We'll see you in two weeks.

The Face Punchers play in two weeks back at their home stadium of Ocean Beach.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Kahle Beaten By Rabid Fan, Out For Season



In a startling turn of events this week, Facepuncher Richard Kahle was attacked by a fanatical fan and may miss the rest of the season as a result of his injuries. While leaving a Black Panther Party meeting in the heart of the Tenderloin, Rich, wearing the white shirt, was accosted by Al Smyth, a long-time fan of Facepunchers football. Al, approaching Rich under the premise of collecting donations for the "I Hate Whitey Foundation," grabbed Rich by his hair and slammed him to the ground, as seen in the photo. Al then proceeded to kick Rich repeatedly, screaming "You don't even care about the team at all... and cut your hair, you look like you're wearing a coonskin cap!"

Rich, a Facepuncher recently in danger of being demoted to the Bitch Leagues due to his lackluster showing this season and overall low level of committment to the team, is in critical condition at St. Francis Hospital. When asked what this would mean for the team, Coach Nash had this to say: "Rich who? Oh, that guy with the hair. Was he on the team?" Visibly drunk on Winner's Cup vodka, Coach Nash then told reporters he had to go because he's "got to get back to my boat over international waters before the man deports me." Just before exiting the room he then shouted, "do any of you ladies out there want to get married? I can play the kazoo!"

Al, now in custody at the Tenderloin station under the care of Police Chief Ron Ward, was unrepentant when he spoke with reporters earlier this morning. "He had it coming, everyone knows that. The hair, the slacking off, the 'pectoral injuries', it was all a bunch of bullshit. He needed to get taught a lesson for letting the team down." When asked if he would do it all again, Al stated, "Hell yes, the Facepunchers are a huge hit with the prison community. I get treated like a king in here for what I did to help the team. By the way, I gotta go fellas, my Chardonnay and lobster salad are ready."

Though he was heavily sedated, Rich did have a few words for the Chronicle in regards to the assault, and he expressed disappointment that he would miss the Father-Bum picnic later this month: "I was really looking forward to connecting with our crack-smoking brothers and sisters of the Tenderloin. Also, I like picnics."

Team co-founders Morin and McFadden released a public statement in an attempt to put yet another scandal to rest. "We at Facepunchers Headquarters were both shocked and mildly annoyed to hear about this kind-of-tragic incident. We applaud Al's decision to take the law into his own hands, and hope that prison is as kind to him as it was to us. Also, we are pleased and relieved to hear that this latest scandal does not involve gay love, midgets, river-boat gambling, or that hooker we accidentally suffocated in Brodeur's trunk."

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

San Francisco Face Punchers Bruise Their Way to 9-0






The San Francisco Face Punchers bruised their way to their 9th victory this weekend, bringing them closer to the coveted Super Beach.
Jin Voeks, this weeks M.V.P., was on his game Sunday catching several passes for touchdowns. Since his arrival to the organization, he has supplied speed and strength, not not to mention good hands. Josh the barback and TeddyTwoNames were given honorable mentions for their playmaking skills.

The game, which started around 3 p.m., featured two new players by the names of Nick and Eric. Nick, standing 6'3", did well in his first start with the Face Punchers, catching key passes and displaying great footwork. Eric, also making his debut, proved to be trouble for the opposition with his acrobatic like moves and ever-so-loving hands. The two are excited at their new spots on the team.

David Merkis, who was just recently inducted into the league, will more than likely be facing fines this week for his blatant acts of nudity. While carrying the ball on two occasions, Merkis's shorts and underwear slid down to his kness, revealing what some say was "the equivalent to the package of a pubescent boy". On one of those runs, Merkins was one man away from the goal line when Morin, the tackler had to "bump" him out of bounds rather than wrap up and tackle. "I saw him coming and when his his unit popped out, I opted to push him out of bounds instead of taking him down...I've been there before and let me tell you something...I wasn't drunk enough to wrap up", replied Morin.

Merkins, who may not be aware of the rules since his recent induction, should receive word from the commisioners office at the end of the week.

The Face Punchers, who marked their territory in spray paint on the concrete levee, will be back on the sand in two weeks.