Face Punchers To Square Off Against Hard Core

The undefeated San Francisco Face Punchers have established their first rival, San Francisco Hard Core, a fag football team...whoops! excuse me, I meant flag football team. Both teams, led by Carlos "The Arm" Morin and Joe Ding Dong, have confirmed to reporters earlier this week, that the two powerhouses plan to meet on December 17th to find out who is king of the pigskin.

"We're ready", Morin says, "my boys don't chase flags around a field all day...they hit and they hit hard".

When asked about whether it was true that the score was already 2-0, Morin stated yes, saying that he had to promise them two touchdowns just to get them on the sand.
"It was pretty ridiculous", Morin said, "they actually accepted my offer". Morin went on to say that he "eats out bitches just like them".

The Face Punchers, a tackle football team, believes that flags are for fags. They began their season early this year playing tackle on the grass but made the switch to the beach just before the summer. They have risen to celebrity status as well as the most dominant team in their league. They are also the only team in their league, which clearly makes them # 1.

The Face Punchers played what they thought was their last game, The Super Beach, until they were challenged by Hard Core. Sources say the Face Punchers refused to play with flags on the grass and stated they would only play if it was tackle.
Hard Core agreed.

Not much can be said about Hard Core, except that they play with colorful flags and probably ghost runners.

One thing is for sure, they have their work cut out for them.

Face Punchers Trivia Challenge

Welcome to the 1st annual Facepunchers Trivia Challenge. Here, our dedictated and ravenous fans have an opportunity to learn more about the mythology behind the undefeated Facepunchers. Test your knowledge about the gods among men that compose the roster of the 2006 team of destiny. For each correct answer, you must take a shot of whiskey. To play the game correctly, this whiskey must be Jim Beam (official sponsor of the Facepunchers) and it must be in a paper bag. Also, you must be drunk already. Let the games begin...

1) Which member of the Facepunchers currently shares a bunk-bed with another man? Hint: He has been described by local media as looking like "a young Marlon Brando with a drinking problem."

a. Rich Kahle (currently a third-string receiver in the Bitch Leagues)
b. Aaron Brodeur
c. Colby Pritchard
d. All of the above share what's called a" triple-decker" in the basement of The End-Up.


2) Who is the only Facepuncher to sustain injuries to each of his pinky toes? Hint: This player is sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon through the 2009 season.

a. Adam McBride
b. Teddy Two-Names
c. Jin-Claude Voeks
d. Peter Counts

3) Which Facepuncher once purchased $200.00 of alcohol at Safeway, despite having no food? Hint: He can also be seen wandering the streets of San Francisco drunk in a cow suit.

a. David Merkis
b. Jin Voeks
c. Carlos Morin
d. it is likely that all members of the team have done this at some point in their lives.

4) Which Facepuncher once took out a $500.00 bank loan to throw a party. Hint: He also recieved a blow-job from a transvestite in a furniture store.

a. Anthony "Greedy" Green
b. Brian "The Mic" McKelvey
c. Carlos Morin
d. no one on the team has ever had $500 at one time.

5) This Facepuncher is quoted as saying the following: "I would rather endure racial slurs than fat jokes." Hint: He's fat and black.

a. Taylor Haisch
b. Anthony Green
c. Justin Schmidt
d. there are no black Facepunchers

6) Which Facepuncher has twice been robbed at a San Francisco massage parlor? Hint: He also sprained his ankle in what history will remember as the first "unofficial" Facepunchers game while drunk in a parking lot at midnight after the Superbowl.

a. Mark Brown
b. Peter Counts
c. David DeChantal
d. Joey Bartlow

7) This Facepuncher has been on a pain-killer-fueled rampage ever since sustaining a toe-threatening foot injury while stomping an opponent's face? Hint: It's Taylor.

a. Taylor
b. Nick Callahan
c. Brett
d. according to SFPD Chief Ron "double-down" Ward, pain-killer-fueled rampages have been attributed to several of the 2006 Facepunchers. This information was relayed via satellite from his Las Vegas estate.

8) Which member of the 2006 squad has been known to frequently "break the white-trash rule", indulging in malt-liquor as early as 10:00 in the morning? Hint: He has a monkey-puppet named Ramon.

a. David "the mustache" De Chantal
b. Ramon
c. Adam McBride
d. Teddy Two-Names

9) He is the only Facepuncher to actually have his member flop out of his pants during league play. Hint: He didn't even stop running to tuck it back in.

a. Eric Meissner
b. David Merkis
c. Carlos Morin
d. Ramon

10) This Facepuncher has not held job in over a year. Hint: He's broke.

a. Jesse Hodge
b. Josh Brooks
c. Colby Pritchard
d. several of the Facepunchers fit into this category.

11) Which player's in-game attire has been described as looking like "a lesbian house-painter?" Hint: He's a Canadian, and thinks that the Facepunchers "play hockey on the sand."

a. Jim McFadden
b. Tyrone Shoelaces
c. Andrew Stych
d. none of the above, because we would never let a filthy Canadian on the field

12) This 2006 Facepuncher has literally hundreds of illegitimate children spread all across South America? Hint: In his FBI profile, he is known as either "Johnny Appleseed," "Hand Solo," or "The Spider."

a. Carlos Morin
b. Brett
c. Justin Schmidt
d. As an organization, the Facepunchers have fathered a total of over 100,000 bastard children across the globe

13) Which of the Facepunchers has intentionally pulled his shorts down revealing his bare hindquarters just moments before receiveing a pass? Hint: He was quoted after the game stating, "I thought the move would help me score one way or another."

a. Jin Voeks
b. Aaron Brodeur
c. Adam McBride
d. Ramon

14) This Facepuncher holds the current record for most T-shirts shredded during league play. Hint: As a result of this streak, he has faced several fines from the league office for violating the "no half-shirts policy".

a. Josh Brooks
b. Taylor Haisch
c. Teddy Two-Names
d. Jesse Hodge

15) Which of the Facepunchers has been quoted as saying his patented "racing stripes" give him an extra burst of speed on the sand? Hint: There is media speculation that this is actually a misquote, and the real statement reads "I like to do speed on the sand."

a. David De Chantal
b. Joey Bartlow
c. Eric Meissner
d. Aaron "I've been kicked off the team" Keane

16) This Facepuncher will be the likely recipient of the "Puff the Magic Dragon" Award for his consistent commitment to being stoned out of his gourd for the majority of FCBFL's games. Hint: Brodeur is hot on his heels for runner-up for this prestigious award.

a. Nick Callahan
b. Dean Holmes
c. Colby Pritchard
d. Taylor Haisch

17) This Facepuncher recently donned "wide-receiver gloves," only to remove them before the game, complaining that they "got sand on them." Hint: Claims to be sponsored by Nike.

a. Andrew Stych
b. Brett
c. Josh Brooks
d. Aaron Brodeur

18) Which Facepuncher has sustained the largest laceration during league play? Hint: This wound was treated by the time-tested method of "covering it with a hat and then playing more."

a. Teddy Two-Names
b. Jim McFadden
c. Dean Holmes
d. No one in the league can afford a hat

19) This player stands only four-foot seven and weighs in at eighty-four pounds. Hint: He has used his dimunitive stature as an advantage, often hiding in the pockets of opposing receivers, then popping out to snatch the ball at the last second.

a. Joey Bartlow
b. Anothony Green
c. Brett
d. Adam McBride

20) This Facepuncher has been referred to as "the Warren Sapp of the FCBFL after dominating the defensive line in the Super Beach. Hint: He's the one and only friend of receiver Jin Voeks.

a. Carlos Morin
b. Brett
c. Peter Counts
d. Jin doesn't have any friends

21) This Facepuncher is currently wanted by the FBI regarding a three-state crime spree involving a donkey, three strippers, and a trunk-full of heroin. Hint: He showed up over two hours late for the Super Beach.

a. Andrew Stych
b. Nick Callahan
c. Dan Lewis
d. Jesse Hodge

22) Which Facepuncher has actually admitted to having played flag football? Hint: He's one of three "Mic's" on the squad.

a. Brian McKelvey
b. Jim McFadden
c. Adam McBride
d. The Facepunchers would never allow any Irishmen or Scottsmen around our women

23) This co-founder of the team has been arrested for prostitution with Carlos Morin on Polk street dressed as an ugly, ugly woman. Hint: His legal defense consisted of showing up in court drunk wearing a baby carrier with a midget in it (also drunk) and screaming "I needs to feed my youngin'!"

a. Ramon
b. Jesse Hodge
c. Taylor Haisch
d. Jim McFadden


Answer Key: 1) b 2) d 3) b or d 4) c or d 5) b 6) a 7) a 8) a 9) b 10) a 11) c 12) c 13) c 14) c 15) c 16) c 17) c 18) c 19) a 20) b 21) b 22) a 23) d


Well, there you have it folks, the real story surrounding some of the myth and folklore that is the 2006 Facepunchers. Here is the scoring system to rate your knowledge of the greatest team ever to play any sport in the history of time--Let's see what category you fit into:

17-23--You are hereby an honorary Facepuncher, and an astute disciple of the Team of Destiny. Your knowledge of the team is second to none. Also, you're probably wasted.

12-16-- You are hereby an honorary Facepuncherette, still well-versed in team lore, but perhaps at times too intoxicated to recall some of the season's highlight-reel moments.

6-11-- You are at best, a casual fan-- a "bandwagon-rider" if you will. You probably started following the team after we won our first five and decided to jump on for the ride.

0-5-- You probably stumbled onto this site by accident looking for a dojo.

The Super Beach After Party... As Told in Pictures

Super Beach After Party

Women at the Super Beach After Party

Team Red Beats Team Black 7-6

"Let there be light" - Jesus

On perhaps one of the most beautiful days to ever shine down on the San Francisco Face Punchers, Super Beach I was played.
The Face Punchers, the leagues most dominate team, arrived at the beach shortly after 1 with their war paint on. Captains Carlos "The Arm" Morin and Brian "If only I could be like Morin" McKelvey, opposing quarterbacks, met at the 50 yard line to engage in paper, rocks, scissors, the F.C.B.F.L's version of the N.F.L's coin toss.

Team Red took possession at the end-zone line with Brian McKelvey at the helm and # 1 draft pick, Adam McBride in the backfield. After running several unsuccessful plays and an interception to Lil' Mosquito for a turnover, Team Black took the ball for the first time.

Morin, perhaps the greatest quarterback to ever play the game, took the pigskin and really shoved it up Team Red's ass by throwing a bomb to Teddy Twonames for the first point of the game.
During the blast towards the end-zone, Team Black suffered their first injury of the day. New recruit Dean "John" Holmes endured a crack to the head and blood poured from his wound like 5-cent bled on BART. It was nasty, real nasty.

After another failed attempt by Team Red to score, Morin came through once again with a second touchdown pass to Lil' Mosquito for the second point of the game and gave Team Black a 2 point advantage. The future looked bleek for Team Red by this time but they finally came back and with a touchdown pass to Jin Voeks, made the score 3-1.

Later, Morin and his crew were stuffed on a fourth and goal conversion and were forced to give the ball back. Jim McFadden, upset by his teammates lack of passion, took the ball and ran it up Team Black's ass with several first down conversions and a hand-off to Adam McBride, to make the score 3-2.

After Team Red tied the score to 3-3, Team Black put their last point on the board before the half. Team Red followed shortly with 3 minutes left for the half to tie it up at 4.

The Halftime Show

This years halftime show was packed with star-studded celebrities and wild performances. Lady killers, Michael Bolton, Kenny Loggins and Milli Vanilli were this years special entertainers, driving the women crazy and keeping their pussies wetter than Morin and Brodeur in a hot spring.

But the real action wasn't at the half.

Tied at 4-4, Team Red changed their strategy and came out swinging. Team Black, unable to leave their own endzone, gave in to the fighting red and failed to produce any t.d's. Self proclaimed whiskey drinking mother fucker, Jim McFadden again came through but this time on defense. Responsible for several failed completions to willing receivers, McFadden shut down the passing game and allowed Team Red to score three more times on plays by Adam McBride, Jin Voeks and Brian McKelvey, to put the scoreboard at 7-4.

But McFadden and and his "D", came into check and after another phenomenal pass to Mark Brown, Team Black fought back to remain on Team Red's side of the sand. Team Black scored two more times to get the score back to 7-6 with catches by new recruits Dean "John" Holmes and Lil' Mosquito.

Team Red, trying to stop the rush, lost Peter Counts to a freak toe accident. A sight unbearable to all. Counts, who turned out fine, was rushed to the hospital and was out of the game permanently, hurting Red's chances at a possible victory.

But perhaps the most memorable play came with 5 minutes left in the game.

At first down, five yards out of tying the game, Team Black had four chances to capture the title. Several downs later and fourth, Morin rolled out left to find a receiver. There, in his chops, were Line Backer Adam McBride. Morin was hit but on his way down, let the ball go to a sailed out Dean Holmes.

But it wasn't enough and Team Black was shut down, leaving Team Red to wind down the clock, leaving them to frollick in their happiness.

But despite the outcome, it was a successful day for the San Francisco Face Punchers, who played to a sell-out crowd of 30 plus spectators.
The second season plans to be a huge hit with all of the remaining Face Punchers returning to camp, scheduled for sometime in April.

The Face Punchers, who have scheduled their Christmas Party and Awards Ceremony for December 17th, will issue the Dan Lewis Award, to the player who has exuded much assholeness, as well as the Alex Walterspiel Award, for the player that oozes Nazi Lesbianism at it's finest.

Stay tuned to The Weekly Face Puncher for more packed action.

Black vs Red...Brodeur Talks Shit, Literally

Former Bitch League star, Aaron Brodeur who was just recently brought back to the Face Punchers roster, has been talking much shit lately about the upcoming Super Beach.

The only problem is, he has no idea what he's talking about.

Brodeur, who enjoys reading, writing and drawing never did have a liking for sports or football for that matter.
Raised a little girl, he enjoyed skipping rope, hide and seek and "tag", games only a girl could enjoy, so it's no wonder that when he was encouraged to "talk shit" to the opposing team, he did just that. Instead of insulting the opposing players with remarks about their playing ability, Brodeur educated himself on human feces or "shit" as it's well known.

Brodeur spoke all kinds of shit about his rivals. Runny shit, thick shit, shit filled with nuts and shit sometimes littered with blood were Brodeurs specialty. He even talked about shit that was hard to come out.
But Brodeur, who thought he was talking "shit" correctly, later found out he wasn't.
While in a heated debate with Justin Schmidt about what team was better, Brodeur started discussing shit. Schmidt turned to Brodeur and said, "what the hell are you talking about?".
Brodeur then said, "I'm talking shit".

The conversation ended very quickly after that.

Brodeur starts this Sunday and sources say, he'll be talkin' shit.

Face Punchers Notes:

Jim McFadden still has nipple rings. Brian McKelvey is from Jersey and famed full back Adam McBride thinks white people are better than mexicans.

Red Team Gets Drunk and Reveals Secret Game Plan




During a night of heavy drinking at local hot spot the High Tide the red team revealed their secret game plan for the highly anticipated super beach.
"Well first we’re going to run up the middle then score, then we’re going to throw and score then we’re going to get prostitutes… wait don’t tell my girlfriend I said that" slurred red team player Adam McBride as he exposed his right testicle to three female crack heads.
The red team, unbeknownst that a Ken Bastida from local channel 5 news was behind them with cameras rolling, ranted and raved about how they would dominate Sunday’s game and most likely make Morin cry.
"The field will be littered with Morin’s tears so much so that it will simulate high tide", David De Chantal was quoted as saying while he beat vagrants with what can only be described as a war club.
Several secret plays were then written on napkins and passed around the bar. These plays pictured above included: exploit Green’s lack of speed, make Carlos cry, stick josh when he does his stupid spin move, push mark on the ground and kick sad in his face, and get Arron drunk. All of which the team has been practicing on a regular basis.
After all plays had been passed around star receiver Jin Voeks ate them to protect their secrecy then without warning showed everybody his penis to prove he was not gay, this reporter still has his doubts.
The team then finished their cosmopolitans and left the bar abruptly after a very ugly blonde woman, pictured above, walked in and offered every red team member a blow job.
The red team was last seen by this reporter battling dungeness crabs on the corner of Geary and Leavenworth.

Carlos Morin Hurt, Black Team Devastated

In a not so surprising turn of events Carlos Morin's neck finally gave out under the weight of his swelling head. Carlos's neck, which had made a valiant effort to support his head all year, could simply not hold all the weight from the bullshit Carlos has been filing his head with. One witness to the incident, local bum Crazy Jamie Fox, said, "man his head was like four time bigger the George Lopez and thats a big fucking head". The crack head was of course referring to the Mexican actor/comedian who happens to be Carlos's idol as well as his secret gay crush.
It was also said that Carlos, pictured to the left in his white undershirt, had suffered a severe concussion from the incident. As one tenderloin child put it, " we saw that big head and of course we thought it was a pinata so when he feel on the ground we grabbed what we could and beat him to try to get the candy out." Carlos who could not be reached for comment was heard screaming like
a girl from the marina as the five to seven year olds beat him about as hard as a five year old can beat someone.
Carlos who is the out of shape Quarterback for the Black team will be put on the injured reserve list for the superbeach and will be the designated blowjob giver for the red team.
When legendary Coach Omar Nash was asked what he thought about the incident he responded, "you mean his isn'td isn't a pinata. I mean look at the fucking guy." Mr. Nash then when on a tirade of incoherent drunken ramblings involving a puppy and peanut butter.
During a press conference for the red team star Jin Voeks was asked how he felt Carlos's injury would effect the dynamics of the super beach. "If Carlos isn't there it just means thats one less person to suck my cock when I win... wait did I say that, I'm not gay I swear." Voek then proudly displayed his member to a woman walking down the street to prove to this chronicle reporter that he was not gay.
The rest of the black team could not be reached for comment but they did release a statement about their feelings on the incident. "After a lot of crying and holding each other we, the black team, would just like to say that without our gay leader we are nothing but a bunch of poo-poo eating dodie heads and in exchange for the red team to going easy on us during the super beach we will offer them our women". The red team responded to the statement by saying that they had already had the black team's women and that the black team should look forward to the most humiliating experience of their lives on Sunday.

Face Punchers Earn Their 11th...Head to Super Beach

With Adam McBride at the helm, the Face Punchers won their 11th straight game this past Sunday, making them a favorite to win the coveted Super Beach. McBride was a double threat on offense while rushing for 300 yards and passing for another 200 for a total of 500 total yards...i think.

This weeks most valuable player? Carlos Morin. Morin, who completed one pass and made zero receptions was hands-down the most valuable of them all.
"It's not whether you threw for several hundred yards and run for even more...it's how you play the game that counts the most. For example, I had a great attitude out there. I patted the guys on the ass, said 'way to go' a few times. I even checked out McBrides girl a few times...made her feel pretty and everything. Shit, I'm sure it's not everyday she gets checked out", stated Morin.

"What a load of crap!", said McBride, shortly after finding out that he wasn't voted MVP. "That guy (Morin) is a piece of shit! Just because he's a good looking guy, is Latin and great with the ladies doesn't make him best man on the sand."

League officials were scrutinized this week over the decision to make Morin the MVP based solely on his "good attitude" and Latino-charming ways but when officials were asked to double-check the league manual, it stated there in brown and white,
section 2122, article 1: "any player with a great personality, says "way to go" to others, and hits on other females beside his own for the sole purpose of making them feel good about themselves will be deemed MVP"

The Face Punchers Manual, which coincidentally was written by Morin, will be reviewed by League Officials Raul and Lupe Morin, Carlos's parents. The chances of any changes coming from this are next to impossible.

Mr. MVP and the rest of the Face Punchers will be on the sand once again this Sunday at 2:00 for their last and final game...the Super Beach.

Face Punchers notes:
Due to vaginal problems, Adam McBride and Brian McKelvey are not expected to show to this Sundays game. Both players will not be missed.