Face Punchers Sign New Recruit, Ted Scott-Smith says "Yes"

Ted Scott-Smith has said "yes", to a one-summer deal. The signing bonus, which is rumored to be the largest in team history, comes complete with incentives as well as naked pictures of Jim McFaddens girlfriend.
Scott-Smith, who is the only Face Puncher with two last names, is the second transaction of the week. The Face Punchers recently signed Sam Fargeon.

Carlos Morin, founder of the organization, was on hand to comment. "I told Ted we wanted to look at him this weekend and we we're glad we did. He's a great addition to the team".

Ted, who tried out for the team yesterday, was a big hit with the rest of the squad and scored several touchdowns while leading his team to victory row. His scrappy style and bulldog attitude is sure to lead the Face Punchers to the mecca of games, The Super Beach.

The San Francisco Chronicle caught up to Ted Scott-Smith and here is what he had to say:

SFC: Ted, how do you feel about your signing bonus?

TSS: I feel good. I spoke to Morin earlier in the month about possibly joining. He gave me a shot and I'm glad he did.

SFC: Are you excited about joining?

TSS: Very excited, yes.

SFC: What do you plan to do now?

TSS: I'm gonna get ready for the next game, meet the rest of the team and just try to focus on the rest of the season.

SFC: How do you feel about all the allegations surrounding the Face Punchers, the sex scandals, drug and alcohol controversies and even the loss of their playbook?

TSS: I think we just need to put it all behind us and move on. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to call my boyfriend.

SFC: Thank you Ted and good luck this year.

You can watch Scott-Smith in two weeks when the Face punchers play themselves at Ocean Beach

Kahle tests clean, in trouble with league

In a month marred by scandals and debauchery, not to mention the public outing of league founder Carlos "I was young and needed the money" Morin, the Facepunchers have recieved more bad news. This time, it comes from a Chronicle report that Rich "maybe we ought to just play two-hand-touch" Kahle has tested clean in a surprise drug screening conducted by the league. Although the results are not due to be announced publicly until the end of the month, a preliminary lab report has been leaked to Chronicle reporters by an unknown source. On an unrelated topic, a special thanks to Andrew "I dress like a lesbian housepainter" Stitch...the check's in the mail, bud.

Fellow teammate Aaron "I don't have a long nickname yet" Keene was shocked by the news, stating "I knew he was a square, but I didn't realize things had gotten so out of hand." The league has yet to issue a public statement regarding the results, but a steep fine and the possibility of enrolling Kahle in a mandatory Drug and Alcohol Appreciation Program seem likely. Kahle had this to say in his defense, "I was plenty drunk. A retest will prove me right, you wait and see. Also, Carlos is still gay and Elder's girlfriend beats him up--I hate white people."

In response to Kahle's comments, league insiders agreed that his attempts to deflect the attention to the recent plentitude of Facepuncher scandals is likely due to his almost certain culpability in violating league rules. In Kahle's defense, members of the player's union have called the league's rules regarding acceptable levels of intoxication "unclear", and "vague".
Currently, the rule states that "all participants in the FCBFL must be intoxicated to the level that they would sleep with a fat chick while involved in all aspects of league play and related media events." Union leaders complained that the league has failed to specify "how fat of a chick?" and "What if she has a good personality?" So far, the league has resisted changes to existing rules, claiming that "the rules are fine, buds--so quit your bitching." In a statement addressing the union's concerns, the league had this to say: "You know a fat chick when you see one" and "You can't have sex with her personality, now can you?"

The league however, did state that Kahle would be eligible for this Sunday's match-up against The Art School Fags.

More on this story, and the results of a possible re-test, as it develops.

This Weeks Featured Face Puncher: Taylor Haisch

For this weeks coverage of The Face Punchers, the San Francisco Chronicle would like to bring you up close and personal with Taylor Haisch, perhaps the clumsiest star of the organization. Taylor, a mainstay at local titty bars throughout the bay area, was interviewed by our Chronicle reporter and this is what he had to say.

SFC: Welcome Taylor. I'm glad you could do this interview today. Now, from what I understand, you absolutely love titty bars. Is this true?

TH: It is true Mr. Reporter. But I only enjoy them when my girlfriend says I can.

SFC: And what is that supposed to mean, Taylor?

TH: It means that I'm really not allowed to go, unless she says it's o.k., which is never. I still manage to hit 'em up every so often, I just don't tell her. I feel that's the best way to go.

SFC: Good thinking Taylor. Now, how has your season been with the Face Punchers thus far?

TH: Can we talk about the titty bars some more?

SFC: Well Taylor, this is a sports article, wouldn't you like to talk about sports?

TH: I don't know much about sports, besides, titty dancing is a type of sport as well, can't we just talk about that?

SFC: Fine. Who is your favorite titty dancer and why?

TH: Well Mr. Reporter, that's an easy one. My girlfriend, because she said she was.

SFC: So your girlfrined is a titty dancer?

TH: Well, she used to be. She was horrible though, it was like she had two left nipples.

SFC: That's a great story, but about the face punchers, how has your season been so far?

TH: It's been great so far, the guys are a great bunch of guy's and I love titty bars also. Have I mentioned that already?

SFC: Yes, you have. You have a big game coming up, is there anything you would like to do different this weekend?

TH: Go to a different titty bar, that's it.

SFC: Well Taylor, that's about it for this interview, the staff and I would like to wish you good luck this weekend.

TH: Did you say something about a titty bar?

On next weeks coverage of up close and personal with a face puncher, we bring you Mr. Reading, Writing and Drawing himself, Aaron Brodeur.

This interview was brought to you by:

Raya's Slaughter House
123 Slaughter Lane
San Francisco, Ca 94102
"cause slaughtering cow's is coo"

Aaron Keene: This Weeks Featured Face Puncher

The San Francisco Chronicle, the official paper of the Face Punchers, would like to bring our readers up close and personal to a Face Puncher each week.

This week, we would like to feature Aaron Keene. Keene, an original face puncher has been there from the beginning and has been a key player on the Face Punchers defensive line, intercepting two passes and receiving several more for touchdowns, just this week.

SFC: Mr. Keene, thank you for coming. Now, judging by your pictures, are you really a mexican?

AK: I don't think so.

SFC: What are your views on the recent immigration laws?

AK: The recent what?

SFC: Are you a hip-hop artist?

AK: A hip-hop who?

SFC: How does it feel to be a Face Puncher?

AK: It feels great. It's been my dream to be a part of the team and I'm just glad to be here. When the founders told me about the organization, I jumped at the chance to participate, I jumped, I'm here and it's been fun ever since.

SFC: Do you get along with the rest of the team? The coaching staff?

AK: The guys are great. We hang out all the time when we're not face punching. They're all real nice guys and I'm just glad to be apart of it. As far as the coaching staff, they're great also. Coach Nash really understands me and takes time out to make every one feel comfortable. Just the other day he gave me a massage.

SFC: Aaron. Can i call you Aaron?

AK: No.

SFC: Mr. Keene, you have a bad boy image and alot of people want to know, is it just a front or is this really who you are?

AK: I'm really a nice guy and alot of people do think I'm this bad boy, but it's really not me.

SFC: Did you really have sex in the bathroom of High Tide?

AK: Yes.

SFC: What about the back of a limo?

AK: Yes.

SFC: And what about your workplace?

AK: Yes.

SFC: Mr. Keene, how do you feel about your level of play so far this season? And if there is anything you could change about you level of play, what would it be?

AK: I feel very good about my skills. I think the coaching staff is satisfied and I couldn't be happier, so no, I probabaly wouldn't change a thing.

SFC: Mr. Keene, fuck you very much for coming and we'll keep an eye on you on the 25th.

AK: What?

And that was this week's face puncher of the week, Aaron Keene.

The San Francisco Chronicle would like to thank our sponsor, Lena McFadden.

Lena, Attorney at Law
We don't practice law, we actually do it.
6969 Jim's Room
San Francisco, CA 94102

Grand Bitches Forfeit...Face Punchers Victorious

Sunday's match against The Grand Bitches of Hotel Monaco turned out to be a flop. The Bitches never even showed, resulting in a forfeit and giving the Face Punchers their second victory of the season.
The game, scheduled at Ocean Beach for 4:00, was supposed to be a re-match between the two organizations and when the Grand Bitches did not show, no one was surprised.
"I knew when they didn't show up, we would win...cause they didn't come...and we still won...even though they didn't come...please, no more questions", replied Face Puncher Aaron Brodeur.
"I would've liked for them to come" said David DeChantal, "but they didn't...wait a minute, I just came".
"huh?", stated Andrew Stych.

The Face Punchers, ranked 1st in the Full-Contact Beach Football League, recently clobbered the Grand Bitches a short time ago which may or may not be the reason the Bitches failed to show. It was to be a good match-up between the two with the likes of Keen, Haisch and Brown against Grand Bitches own big guy with red hair and the other one who's not legal anywhere in the continental United States.

"We took advantage of the break and decided to focus on our game on the 25th. It's going to be a good one and we're all looking forward to it", said Head Coach Omar Nash, "we worked on a few pass patterns and even took a look at some of the new prospects".

The Face Punchers, a dominant force in the F.C.B.F.L., are making key moves within the organization and have recently assigned new department heads.

An open try-out is scheduled for later in the summer. Details of the try-out will be posted at a later date.

"Ol' Nipple Rings" Caught with Founders Girlfriend

Jim McFadden, starting cornerback for the San Francisco Face Punchers, has been caught with Face Punchers founder Carlos Morin's girlfriend. The lovebirds were seen departing a local pub in the SOMA district and by the looks of this photo, seemed very happy.
McFadden, who lives just around the corner from the pub, had his arm around Morin's ladyfriend while she did the same. The woman, a Ms. Jessica Randall, was smiling and seemed very excited to be with the former Heisman trophy winner, exclaimed neighbors who spotted the two-some. They also stated that the two were headed for McFaddens mansion that was located just around the corner.

"I heard them all night", replied one neighbor.
Another neighbor who requested his name not be mentioned stated that the two were fornicating until all hours of the night, stopping only once, for what he believed to be a Gatorade break. A headband was found outside his door.

When the Chronicle broke the news to Morin, he said, "It must have been the nipple rings, he gets 'em with those nipple rings every time...........but I never thought it would be my sweet Jessica............that bitch!!"
When asked what he planned to do, he replied, "get nipple rings, of course!".

The Chronicle caught up with McFadden later during the day outside his gym. "It wasn't what it sounded like...we stayed up talking all night about my nipple rings, biceps and creatine...I swear!". When confronted with the pictures, McFadden turned and ran all while screaming, "I love my nipple rings!!!!!!"

Jessica Randall, the recent Miss Tenderloin 2006, could not be reached. It appears, she has not been found.
Foul play has been suspected.

Natareno to be Released from Face Punchers...Possibly

The Face Punchers front office is currently in talks with 5th string center, Elder Natareno and his agent, about his future with the team. Natareno, an ex-gang leader was signed to the Face Punchers after being discovered in his hometown of East L.A running from La Migra, only a few weeks ago. But his failure to attend games and practices has caused the front office and team members much anguish.

"We recruited Elder, or Little Puppet as he's known to his homies, with alot of excitement. We felt his experience as a gang leader and his ability to run, would be a benefit to the team, but his absence at games has been a real hindrance to the players", replied Jim McFadden, co-founder of the team. "Besides that, we signed the guy as a receiver 'cause we thought that since he was Mexican, he could run......pinche Mexican, little did I know, he was better off bending over", McFadden mumbled while walking away from reporters.

When reporters caught up to Natareno to ask about the matter, he exclaimed that his girlfriend was the reason for his absences.
"You see, I've got this girlfriend and as you may not know, she wears the pants in the relationship. I mean, shit, the only reason I'm here talking to you right now is because she gave me permission!", Natareno said. "and she beats me up too!"

Omar Nash, the Head Coach of the Face Punchers was on hand to discuss the situation.
"We really liked his potential as a player, but as a person, not so much", he said, "we are, however, in talks with his girlfriend about filling a position at linebacker......I mean shit!, if she's as tough as he says she is, she might be worth signing!".

The Face Punchers would love to have Natareno at his usual position, but if his failure to appear at games continue, he may be deported.

The Face Punchers are scheduled to play this Sunday at Ocean Beach.

Face Punchers Playbook Leaked to Public

These guys are idiots!

The first place Face Punchers of the Full-Contact Beach Football League have done it again, but no sex scandal or even a uniform violation can match up to this mishap.
It seems as though your beloved yet controversial hometown heroes have lost their playbook.
Earlier this morning, an unknown person who is unknown, delivered the playbook to the front steps of the offices of The San Francisco Chronicle. Reporters Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams were the first to find the playbook and just as quick as one could say, "Stephanie, WOW!!", the playbook was published.

Carlos Morin, the founder of The Face Punchers, was reached later at his Tenderloin mansion and had this to say, "It's very disturbing to me to think that someone would have broken into our Tenderloin Headquarters and rob us of not only are precious playbook but our pride and dignity as well". Not making anymore sense than his last statement, Morin went on to comment that the Tenderloin was a safe place and that crime in the community was unheard of, until last night.

Authorities have only few leads at this time but plan to question The Grand Bitches from Hotel Monaco, who suffered an embarrasing loss to The Face Punchers earlier this week. Police Chief Ron Ward of the San Francisco Police Department has stated that several key pieces of evidence have turned up, placing The Grand Bitches at the scene of the crime. Evidently, the culprits from last nights break-in left behind a saucisson pizza, a cook with no papers and more importantly, a RWR bartender still on the clock and drinking shots of tequila.
"We got the call around midnight and showed up close to 3", replied police Chief Ward. "we're taking steps now to find out who the criminals are and i figure we'll know something soon", he continued, "now if you'll let me by, I have to catch a plane to Vegas".
"I know a few Mexicans over there that are capable of this", replied Morin." I even know a cocktail waitress that wouldn't mind pissing me off", he continued, "shes a looker but she's got a real attitude problem", he stated.

The playbook, which consisted of original plays such as, "Go Deep", "Get Open" and "Seriously Guys, Get Open", were key plays to The Face Punchers successful opening day victory.
"The guys and I have developed some really good plays over the past several weeks and it's a shame that those plays are in someone else's hands", he said. "Run Fast' and 'Run Very Fast' are two plays that we just developed and were working very well for us", said Morin, "as you know, our receivers run fast or very fast past depending on the play, pasts their opponent and into the open field. Our Q.B., finds 'em and BAM!, touchdown. It works every time".

Even fans are dissappointed, not to mention flabbergasted at the incident. "What a bunch of dumbasses, AND I'M STILL AN ASSHOLE!", replied Dan Lewis, a faithful face puncher fan.

The Face Punchers, scheduled to play an unnamed team on June 25th at Ocean beach, will still play but this time, without their playbook.

In this reporters opinion, these guys are ding-dongs.