Randall to Arrive Shortly...Bring Out The Gatorade and Headbands, Morin Says

Morin, quarterback for the first place Face Punchers and seen in the photo, has recently reported that his lady friend of four years will arrive this wednesday. Ms. Randall, seen here cheering her team, has been out of town all summer. Insiders say she was out of town for medical conditions not known to the public. By the looks of her, a breast or ass reduction was possible.

Morin, who was found shopping for candles, extra headbands and Gatorade by the bulk, was quoted as saying, " Yeah, she's coming back all right...she has no idea what's in store for her...first, I'm starting with the skittle spit, then I'll move on to the shocker, a move I've been perfecting all summer with my Columbian neighbor. After that, it's all downhill from there. She won't know what hit her".

As a veteran of the fine art of masterbation, Morin is throwing in the cum towel and tying on the strap-on. "You see, when you're as small as me, you gotta wear a strap-on", he continued, "I wear a black one...and just in case you were wondering...it's true what they say about black guys."

Good luck Morin.

Anthony "Greedy" Green to Hold Out for Bigger Signing Bonus

In an attempt to add color and flair to the team, The San Francisco Face Punchers front office is trying to sign Anthony "greedy" Green, seen in the photo, to a one-dollar signing bonus. Green, on the other hand, has a better idea..."show me the money!".

Mr. Green, who is actually Black or African or whatever, has been invited to the Face Punchers games for the past several weeks and has been asked to become apart of the team by founders Carlos Morin and Jim McFadden themselves, but as stated above, Green wants more green.

"We need some size and quickness on the front line and Green has it all. We showed him the money but he just wasn't happy enough so we'll go back to the drawing board and come back with something else...possibly a white girl", stated McFadden.

Chronicle reporters asked Green about his request for more money but due to his speech impediment, no one could understand him.

Jin Voeks...New Addition to the Face Punchers

The Face Punchers have added one more player to their 15-man roster. Jin "not even gay people are this gay" Voeks, was picked only a short time ago by Face Punchers scouts and has played in his second game thus far. Voeks, a native of Oregon, has starred at receiver so far and has made quite an impact for the team.

Face Punchers founder Carlos Morin stated the following, "Jin has adapted very well to the Face Punchers style of football", Morin continued, "he shows up drunk, stays drunk and leaves drunk enough to fuck a fat chick, or in my case, my Aunt".
Voeks, who stands 6"3" and 200 lbs, is dominant on the sand both on offense and defense and brings much talent in and around the game.

The Face Punchers will look for great things to come from Jin should he decide to play sober.

Face Punchers Punch Face...Again...Morin Still Very Handsome

The San Francisco Face Punchers of San Francisco have done it again. With a record of 6-0, the Face Punchers have proven to be unstoppable and are destined to be on the sand for the Super Beach at the end of the season.

Having been given a bye for last week, the Face Punchers battled against themselves earlier this afternoon with a close score of 5-4. Jim "did you clock me out?" McFadden was easily voted this weeks player of the week as well as MVP. McFadden pulled in 5 touchdowns including an incredible catch for 50 yards from star quarterback Carlos "kittie porn star" Morin. When simply asked how he does it, McFadden responded with, "my hands are not afraid of any balls".

While McFadden excelled for his team, newcomer Jin Voeks wowed onlookers, catching 13 receptions, 3 of which were for touchdowns. Voeks, who has played in his second game for the Face Punchers, has been a key addition to the squad, adding heidth, speed and most of all, a bottle of Jack Daniels. When asked about his performance of todays game, founder Carlos "it's been two months since i've laid pipe" Morin, said, "we are excited to have him, although i wish he would get rid of that ridiculous knit hat".

Other Face Punchers who contributed to the victory were Adam McBride, Mark Brown and Ted Scott-Smith. Nicknames for previously mentioned persons will be given at a later date.

The Face Punchers football team who are ranked first in the Full-Contact Beach Football League standings appear to be going nowhere. Their rough and tough style football has them ranked first in all categories including most marijuana smoked, most alcohol consumed and most bitches fucked. Those same bitches consume most of the alcohol as well.

Aaron Brodeur, who had been sent down to the Bitch Leagues several weeks ago, made an attempt to comeback and join his fellow face punchers at the professional level but failed to reprise his role. Brodeur arrived on time but left early stating his pussy hurt. He will be sent back down along with Rich Kahle and Elder Natareno, both of whom have failed to play in the majority of the games due to sore pussies and mean girlfriends. Both players were receivers for the team but have not full-filled their duties to the team or the organization. The loss of both players will not hurt the Face Punchers chances as they weren't "worth shit", as quoted by Morin.

The Face Punchers square off in two weeks back at their home stadium of Ocean Beach or right across from the windmill.

Q and A with Hometown Hottie of the Week: Tara D.

This week the San Francisco Chronicle would like to bring you Tara D. Tara was hand selected by the Face Punchers themselves because of her good looks, vibrant personality and to be perfectly honest, the fact that she'll show her tits, anywhere at anytime. For that Tara, we thank you.
We asked Tara ten questions from our 10-question format and here are her answers.

SFC: Are your tits real or fake?

TD: They're real, of course. You've seen them haven't you?

SFC: Are you shaved or unshaved?

TD: Unshaved. Some people think I have Buckweet in a scissor hold.

SFC: Do you spit or swallow?

TD: I enjoy it on my tits and rubbed all over my face.

SFC: Do you prefer the top or bottom?

TD: The bottom, of course. And the top, upside-down, inside-out and sideways. Just as long as I get laid.

SFC: Would you rather be with Bert or Ernie?

TD: Definitely Bert.

SFC: Of the many man couples on the Face Punchers, who would you rather have, Brodeur or De Chantal?

TD: Probably De Chantal, cause he could provide me mouth to mouth.

SFC: Do you prefer your men tall or short?

TD: Since we're all the same height in bed, it doesn't really matter.

SFC: If you could pick one of the Face Punchers girlfriends for girl on girl action, who would it be?

TD: Definitely Raya. She is so hot. I love the way she complains all the time and her ass shakes like two puppies wrestling under a blanket.

SFC: Do you prefer your men hung like a horse or mini like McFadden?

TD: That's a tough question, cause the last time a had a horse, spooning was nearly impossible.

And that was 10 questions with Tara D.
Check back next week when McBrides girlfriend is picked on purpose. God help us all.

Bitch Leagues Update...Brodeur May Have Company

In addition to founder Carlos Morin, Aaron Brodeur was also missing from Sunday's action. Having been demoted to the Bitch Leagues by Coach Nash, Aaron participated in his first contest there, playing a key part in a victory against The Jehovah's Witnesses. In comments made after the game, Brodeur stated "They were a persistent team and refused to give up, but in the end we prevailed." Brodeur, hoping to regain his spot on the roster, played hard and might get his chance soon due to the possible demotion of two existing team members as a result of Sunday's game. Coach Nash describes Punchers Aaron "I might get fired" Keene, and Rich "despite the advice of friends and co-workers and several homeless people I'm keeping my hair the way it is" Kahle as "on the bubble" in regards to their roster status.

This of course, is in reponse the both players' lack of effort in Sunday's game. Kahle and Keene, both citing "being tired" as an excuse, left at half-time not to return for the remainder of the game. As a precautionary measure, Nash had the duo examined by Head Trainer Stephanie Hart, who cleared them for action, telling reporters "they suffer from being lazy, but that's about it." In addition to this, Keene was also described as "a little grabby", and Kahle seemed to be suffering under the delusion that he would be "leading the revolution."

Although currently still on the roster, both members of the squad must have a strong showing in the Facepunchers next contest to retain their spots.

Facepunchers Grind out Victory--Remain Undefeated

In a drag-down, knock-out, no holds barred contest, the Facepunchers improved on their undefeated season-- leaving them 5-0 and in first place of the FCBFL. Sunday's game showcased strong defensive performances from both sides, and points were difficult to come by. The contest featured several new faces, each player bringing talent to an already dominating ball-club. Standouts included Jin "I'm really drunk" Voeks, Manual a.k.a "The White Carlos with the Mexican name", Mike from Arizona, and Chuck with the red shirt.

In traditional Facepuncher fashion, team stalwarts Adam "thank god he wore longer shorts this time" McBride, Ted "for every shirt I tear in half I donate $5 to charity and I'm going broke" Scott-Smith, and Jim "I didn't feel like playing quarterback" McFadden all had strong showings in Sunday's game. Adam continued to cause match-up problems for the defense with his height and apparent dislike for wearing pants, frustrating and blinding opposing defenders. In response to complaints about his patented "no pants" reception in the third quarter, McBride replied "You gotta be willing to put it all out there to win games in this league. Plus, if I get tackled just right, I'll score even if I don't make it to the end zone." After the game, opposing corners reported to head trainer Stepahnie Hart for eye examinations to test for retinal damage after being exposed to what onlookers decsribed as "a light more blinding than a thousand suns".

In honor of founder Carlos "the Mexican tornado" Morin and his groin-related absence from this week's contest, Jin wore his trademark "bright orange hat" for the duration of the game. When asked about the hat, Jin told reporters that "although Carlos couldn't make it out for the game, I feel like while wearing the hat, a little bit of Carlos was inside each and every one of us today." Jin followed these remarks by adding "Oh hell, I hope to Christ you guys don't print that. Will twenty bucks take care of it?"

In Morin's absence, new-comer Manual proved an able replacement at quarterback, leading several of the team's scoring drives. Manual stated "As a rookie, I wanted to come out and prove myself to the team. It's an honor to play for such a prestigious organization and I think Coach Nash is one of the FCBFL's all-time greatest football minds." Coach Nash also received high praise from co-founder and starting receiver/cornerback Jim McFadden. McFadden told the Chronicle that "I came into this week under a lot of pressure with Carlos being in Texas having his groin lasered and all. Coach Nash did a great job prepping me for the game and helping me deal with the fan's high expectations. Sure, he doesn't always show up to practice, he's frequently falling-down drunk, and he speaks english at a third-grade level, but he knows how to lead this team week-in and week-out. Whatever the hell that means." When asked if his five receiving TD's were a result of Nash's gameplan, McFadden replied "game-plan?" and then proceeded to threaten Chronicle reporters, screaming "get out of my office!" despite the fact that he was laying in a kiddie-pool filled with malt-liquor on his front lawn. Also of note was David "my last name has a space in it" De Chantal's performance early in the game, recording passing TD's in his first three drives and providing an early spark for the first-place team.

Standing at 5-0, the Facepunchers are poised for a run at the playoffs and possibly a championship contender. When asked about his team's chances of reaching the big show, Coach Nash had this to say "As a Cuban immigraqnt who came to this country on a floating door, I'm just happy to be here competing. Also, I'm out of patrol vodka and the 12th floor is code four."

The Facepunchers next match should be a barn-burner, as they're slated to play the rival Art School Fags, who forfeited the team's previous match-up.