July 30th..Let the Face Punching Commence

In keeping with the FCBFL's announced schedule, the next contest will take place at 3:30pm July 30th on Ocean Beach in the league's official meeting place--across from the windmill. The Face Punchers, currently 4-0 and in sole possession of first place, seek to remain undefeated despite the absence of founder Carlos "she told me she was eighteen" Morin.

Morin, a first-string quarterback for the Face Punchers, will be on medical leave in Austin, Texas treating an undisclosed medical condition. Though not released publicly, the treatment is said to involve the lasering of what league insiders describe as "unidentified growths in the groin area". Morin has issued only a brief statement regarding his absence: "Seriously, go fuck yourselves."

The lack of Morin's arm will surely put more pressure on co-founder and quarterback/reciever Jim "enough about the nipple rings already" McFadden. Asked about the high expectations of his performance in next weeks game, he responded, "unidentified growths in the groin area? Have you guys checked your sources on this?" When made aware that he had not answered the Chronicle's question, McFadden then stated: "I can have you all killed!" He then stormed out and punched several photographers in the face, screaming "We're The Face Punchers, bitches!" Charges are expected to be filed later in the week.

With the demotion of Aaron "it's almost impressive how bad I am at catching a football" Brodeur to The Bitch Leagues, several newcomers will be vying for a position on the team's growing roster. One of last week's standouts, Colby Pritchard, is said to be high in the running after an impressive defensive showing. In response to Morin's statement that Brodeur needed to have "one hell of a game" to be promoted back from The Bitch Leagues, Aaron had this to say, "I don't know, it's like, I can see the ball coming, and I know I'm supposed to catch it, but then I don't."

July 30th Facepunchers...faces will be punched.

This article brought to you by:

DeChantal's Ambulance Services
"We''ll be there in 30 minutes or your autopsy's free!"

Jim McFadden: This Weeks Featured Face Puncher

This week, the San Francisco Face Punchers would like to bring you up close and personal with co-founder Jim McFadden. McFadden is a starting quarterback and receiver for the first place team and would like to share his story.

SFC: Jim, this is a real pleasure having you here with us.

JM: Thanks, I'm very excited to be here.

SFC: So Jim, you were voted this weeks M.V.P., how does that make you feel.

JM: It's a real honor. I played real hard this week and I guess my effort has payed off. Not only that, but I get to share that title with Carlos, a true champion.

SFC: Speaking of Carlos, questionable photos turned up of you and him gettin' down in a bar, what were you thinking?

JM: I don't know what I was thinking, I thought he was Taylor.

SFC: Another scandal arose about you and his girlfriend, pictures of you two surfaced with your arms around each other. Can you tell me about that?

JM: It was very innocent. Nothing happened. We talked all night about my nipple rings. She does have a great ass though. WOW!

SFC: Rumor also has it that your a musician and your sweet and sultry voice really attracts the ladies. Is this true?

JM: It sure is. The ladies dig me. I am, however, taken. She's a latin firecracker!

SFC: What's the story on the nipple rings, did you lose a bet? or was this something you did on your own?

JM: I did it on my own. I also have my cock pierced with a hoola hoop. Sometimes I let little poodles jump through it.

SFC: Jim, it's been a real honor interviewing you today. Good luck next game.

This interview was brought to you by:

Keenes Pipe Company
"Nobody Lays Pipe Better Than Keene"
The Tenderloin
San Francisco, Ca 94102

Face Punchers Defeat Themselves...McFadden Still has Nipple Rings

The first place Face Punchers have done it once again. The organization, who blames their success on beer, drugs and casual sex with co-workers, were victorious in yesterdays romp over themselves.
The day started off somewhat slow with only few key members arriving on time, but once the evening wore on, more arrived.
The team cheerleaders, The Bitches, led by head cheerleader Siobhan, were in true form last night and cheered their Punchers to a win to keep their their record at 4-0. (On a sidenote, Siobhan was also excellent in displaying the "splits", producing several high school rings).

Jim McFadden and Carlos Morin were the this weeks M.V.P, while leading their respective teams at quarterback as well as Teddy Two-Names and Mark Brown, who displayed spectacular skills and rushing to a team record. On defense, a new player named Colby Pritchard was all over the sand keeping all receivers at bay as did Mr. Clumsy himself, Taylor Haisch.
As usual, Aaron Brodeur was bad, very, very bad.
He did, however, wear a tight pink shirt.

The Face Punchers, back from a long break, are preparing for the homecoming game game scheduled for late October.

Brodeur Demoted to Bitch Leagues

The Face Punchers front office has sent their 3rd string receiver Aaron Brodeur down to the Bitch Leagues effective immediately. Brodeur, who dropped several key passes in yesterdays game, was not surprised of the move. The Bitch Leagues, which consists of players struggling to make their way to the F.C.B.F.L. and players that are having problems succeeding in the professional league, is located in Northern California. Brodeurs new team, The Little Giants, face-off against other teams of the same caliber and are currently in third to the 2nd place Girl Scouts and last seasons champion, The Brownies.

San Francisco Face Punchers founder Carlos Morin was quoted as saying, "That mother fucker sucks!", and "He couldn't catch chlamydia if he slept with Keene", in reference to Brodeurs catching ability and Aaron Keenes philandering.
Aaron Brodeur could not be reached for comment, but sources close to him believe he may be reading, writing and possibly drawing.
However, Brodeurs agent, Bob Ross, was available for comment and here is what he had to say. "My client is having problems right now, and he plans to overcome it. He'll be back in the show soon enough and he'll be a force to reckon with".
Upon hearing this statement, fellow face punchers burst into laughter and some even peed in their pants.

It has been rumored that Mr. Brodeur's off-season training had consisted of catching live pigs, a theory of his that states "if you can catch a pig, than you can catch the pig-skin", in order to become accustomed to catching the football.

His philosophy and training did not pay off.

David DeChantal: This Weeks Featured Face Puncher

For this week, the San Francisco Chronicle would like to introduce David DeChantal. A quarterback/receiver for the San Francisco Face Punchers. We sat down with Mr. DeChantal and here is what he had to say.

SFC: David, how has the season been so far?

DD: It's gone real well for me. I've made a lot of good plays this season and i think Coach Nash is very happy with my performance.

SFC: Are you and fellow face puncher Aaron Brodeur fucking?

DD: Yes we are, and I think he's been very happy with my performance as well.

SFC: Many people think your a bit cocky during game time. What do you have to say about that?

DD: Well. They're right. I am full of cock.

SFC: Now, from what we understand, your having sexual relations with another face puncher, besides Aaron Brodeur. How does Aaron feel about that?

DD: I've spoken to him about it and for right now, he's fine with it. We try to get him involved as well, but i believe he's involved with his roommate.

SFC: You have another big game coming up this weekend. Do you plan to do anything different than you have in the past?

DD: Not at all. Just completeing some passes and playing hard.

SFC: David, we wish you luck this weekend.

This interview was brought to you by:

Jessica, Professional Skincare Therapist
"Because caring for your skin is important, and so is riding Carlos's cock"
The Tenderloin
San Francisco, CA 94102

Aaron Brodeur: This Weeks Featured Face Puncher

This week, the San Francisco Chronicle would like to bring you up close and personal with Aaron Brodeur. Mr. Brodeur is a starting receiver for the Face Punchers and here is what he had to say.

SFC: Aaron, we are very happy that you could make it here today. We would like to start off with a few questions about yourself.
Now, is it true that you and your roommate have bunk beds?

AB: It sure is. My roommate and I share a room and sleep in bunk beds. We really enjoy it.

SFC: Which one of you has the top bunk?

AB: That would be me.

SFC: Do you actually use the step ladder to get to the top?

AB: Yes, I do. I never step on the top rung though, because as everyone knows, the top rung is not a step.

SFC: What possesed you and your roommate to get bunk beds?

AB: Well, we were going to get racecar beds and place them next to each other, but we decided that it would take up too much room. So instead, we opted for the bunk beds. It allows for more space and we can still make the racecar sounds.

SFC: When there is a thunderstorm, which one of you crawls into bed with the other?

AB: That all depends. But most of the time, it's me crawling into bed with him.

SFC: Thats very strange. Do you also have a pair of pajamas with the feet.

AB: Sure do. It also has an opening for my ass.

SFC: Mr. Brodeur, how is your season going so far with the Face Punchers?

AB: It's going very well. I think the coaches are satisfied with my playing ability. As you know, we are in first place and things couldn't get any better. We play this Sunday and right now, we are just preparing for a good match.

SFC: Aaron, once again, we thank you for sitting down with us today. Good luck this Sunday.

AB: Thanks.

This interview was made possible by:

Sara the Peradontist
"Adam prefers the teeth, and so should you"
Outer Sunset
San Francisco, CA 94103