May 6th, Game Day Finalized

Ok, so the game is on for this Sunday, May 6th. We kick off at 3:00pm. Be there.

Facepunchers Announce Season Opener

It's official. Amid a near firestorm of press coverage, team co-founders Morin and McFadden announced at a much anticipated press conference that the 2007 season of the Facepunchers will kick off Sunday, April 22nd at Ocean Beach. After the applause finally died down, they were able to field some questions from the media...

"Now that the team has one season behind it, what have you learned that you might apply in the coming months?"

"Nothing."

"What do you have to say about the recent trouble involving Carlos and his drinking in the Tenderloin? Does he really plan to bring sexy back?"

"The Facepunchers organization has no comment at this time, except that we plan to unleash a spree of crime and looting the likes of which the 'loin has never seen."

"Does the league intend to take a stronger stance against off-field legal troubles the way the NFL has with Adam "Pacman" Jones and Chris Henry?"

"Absolutely not. It is every Facepuncher's right to get arrested. In fact, we may make it mandatory that every member of the team is taken into custody at least once for drunk and disorderly conduct during the season."

"Who will be your starting quarterbacks on opening day?"

"At this time, we have several talented prospects who show a lot of promise. But we'll probably let Carlos do it instead...we know how he feels about running when he's not chasing an ice-cream truck."

"How has Jim's recent deal to be the spokesman for Jim Beam Whiskey affected the team? How do you respond to critics that claim the organization is selling out?"

"The deal has had no effect on the team. Jim has always been powered by at least a bottle per game, and now he has found a way to get it for free. As for allegations of selling out, that's preposterous, we would never do such a thing. Anyone who knows that Jim Beam is the smoothest best-tasting whiskey on the market also knows that The Facepunchers are not for sale."

Morin and McFadden then angrily stormed out of the room, leaving reporters both stunned and confused. But one thing was for certain, The Facepunchers triumphant return to the sandiron is imminent.


This report brought to you by Jim Beam Whiskey--"the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

Face Punchers suffer devastating loss...Carlos Morin missing

The Face Punchers were embarrased this past weekend with their first loss to Hard Core Flag Football. A ridiculous score of 98-8, the Face Punchers have contacted BALCO to inquire whether or not Hard Core players were on steroids. When asked what made him think they were on illegal growth hormones, Morin stated that "they were big and screamed alot...mostly at me".


The game started at exactly 1:30 with the Face Punchers taking possession. Shortly after being stuffed at the line, the Face Punchers opted to punt. A few plays later, Hard Core was in the endzone to make the score 1-0. The last two sentences repeated 16 times for a final score of 98-8. No, that's not a typo, it really was 98-8.


Carlos "The Arm" Morin, 3-time self-proclaimed MVP, could not live up to his name (that he respectfully gave to himself), throwing for a club record 6 interceptions and 5 yards passing. To add, his contract with the Face Punchers organization is in jeopardy. Reporters have tried to contact Morin but noone is answering at his Tenderloin Mansion. A sign outside his door reads, "Noone is here". A mat also lies on the floor reading, "Welcome", an interesting turn of events since noone is there to welcome you.



It was, however, a beautiful Sunday for football but Jesus Christ was certainly not with the Face Punchers, instead, he showed up sporting a rugby jersey and a sign that read, "If flags are for fags than call me Mary". Oh, Jesus. What a kidder.

Another sell-out crowd turned out with a total of 30 plus fans, all who received a cum towel at the gate from their favorite Face Puncher. Cum towel supervisor Claudia, was on hand to pass them out to the first 30 fans. "There's certainly more where these came from", she continued, "whoops!, I got some on my face...mmm, that's good".



Perhaps the greatest highlight of the day was a whale that beached for the day to watch the game. Wearing a black #90 Face Puncher jersey and a thumbs up for his favorite team, the beached whale cheered his team on. Hey whale, thanks.

The Face Punchers, now in the off-season, are not scheduled to return to the sand until spring for training camps and exhibition games.

Keep your pages turned to the Weekly Face Puncher to find out what your favorite player is doing. Chances are, it has something to do with homosexuality.

Correction: After this article was written, it was discovered that what was thought to be a beached whale was the Face Punchers center, Brett Sturgell, signaling to the crowd that he loves a nice thumb up his ass.

The End.

Facepunchers Sponsor First Ever Can-Opener Drive

During today's press conference, The Facepunchers announced that they will Sponsor the first ever "Can-Opener Drive" to help the less fortunate this holiday season. The team's founders told confused reporters that, "with all the focus on canned-food drives, we realized that those in need would have no way to open all the cans they get." Carlos Morin and Jim McFadden, seen in the photo, then announced that the team is partnering with Tenderloin liquor stores to collect can-openers this December.

While reporters were at first skeptical of the team's commitment to helping the needy, they acknowledged that the can openers are in fact a necessity in opening the thousands of cans of creamed corn and spinach that canned food drives are expected to generate. The press did however, note that this may be another of the team's attempts to direct attention away from their most recent scandals and arrests.

One reporter was quick to mention the disastrous "Father-Bum Picnic", a way of reaching out to connect with local vagrants. The event quickly turned ugly as members of The Facepunchers used money recently awarded from a team sponsor of the event to aid the Tenderloin street urchins in purchasing several "fifty rocks" of crack, which were then smoked to fuel a city-wide rampage of death and destruction. The melee ended at at a local massage parlor where the entire group was arrested just as they were attempting to trade hub-cabs and stolen televisions for what would have amounted to what SFPD Chief Ron Ward described as "over one hundred happy endings".

Coach Nash seeked to assuage reporters' doubts, telling them that this event has only a "forty percent chance of involving crack smoking, and only a twenty percent chance of a happy ending." Nash then encouraged the city of San Francisco to join the team's cause, stating "the city's losers and crackheads need to open their cans of all the stuff you threw out because you wouldn't touch it with a twenty foot pole. Please, bring your can-openers to corner stores all across the Tenderloin."

When asked about The Facepuncher's upcoming contest against "Hardcore" Flag Football, Coach Nash was optimistic about the team's chances. "Oh yeah, those guys that play with little toy flags. We're gonna beat them and then use those little flags to tie them up and let the tide wash over their stupid heads."

Face Punchers To Square Off Against Hard Core

The undefeated San Francisco Face Punchers have established their first rival, San Francisco Hard Core, a fag football team...whoops! excuse me, I meant flag football team. Both teams, led by Carlos "The Arm" Morin and Joe Ding Dong, have confirmed to reporters earlier this week, that the two powerhouses plan to meet on December 17th to find out who is king of the pigskin.

"We're ready", Morin says, "my boys don't chase flags around a field all day...they hit and they hit hard".

When asked about whether it was true that the score was already 2-0, Morin stated yes, saying that he had to promise them two touchdowns just to get them on the sand.
"It was pretty ridiculous", Morin said, "they actually accepted my offer". Morin went on to say that he "eats out bitches just like them".

The Face Punchers, a tackle football team, believes that flags are for fags. They began their season early this year playing tackle on the grass but made the switch to the beach just before the summer. They have risen to celebrity status as well as the most dominant team in their league. They are also the only team in their league, which clearly makes them # 1.

The Face Punchers played what they thought was their last game, The Super Beach, until they were challenged by Hard Core. Sources say the Face Punchers refused to play with flags on the grass and stated they would only play if it was tackle.
Hard Core agreed.

Not much can be said about Hard Core, except that they play with colorful flags and probably ghost runners.

One thing is for sure, they have their work cut out for them.

Face Punchers Trivia Challenge

Welcome to the 1st annual Facepunchers Trivia Challenge. Here, our dedictated and ravenous fans have an opportunity to learn more about the mythology behind the undefeated Facepunchers. Test your knowledge about the gods among men that compose the roster of the 2006 team of destiny. For each correct answer, you must take a shot of whiskey. To play the game correctly, this whiskey must be Jim Beam (official sponsor of the Facepunchers) and it must be in a paper bag. Also, you must be drunk already. Let the games begin...

1) Which member of the Facepunchers currently shares a bunk-bed with another man? Hint: He has been described by local media as looking like "a young Marlon Brando with a drinking problem."

a. Rich Kahle (currently a third-string receiver in the Bitch Leagues)
b. Aaron Brodeur
c. Colby Pritchard
d. All of the above share what's called a" triple-decker" in the basement of The End-Up.


2) Who is the only Facepuncher to sustain injuries to each of his pinky toes? Hint: This player is sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon through the 2009 season.

a. Adam McBride
b. Teddy Two-Names
c. Jin-Claude Voeks
d. Peter Counts

3) Which Facepuncher once purchased $200.00 of alcohol at Safeway, despite having no food? Hint: He can also be seen wandering the streets of San Francisco drunk in a cow suit.

a. David Merkis
b. Jin Voeks
c. Carlos Morin
d. it is likely that all members of the team have done this at some point in their lives.

4) Which Facepuncher once took out a $500.00 bank loan to throw a party. Hint: He also recieved a blow-job from a transvestite in a furniture store.

a. Anthony "Greedy" Green
b. Brian "The Mic" McKelvey
c. Carlos Morin
d. no one on the team has ever had $500 at one time.

5) This Facepuncher is quoted as saying the following: "I would rather endure racial slurs than fat jokes." Hint: He's fat and black.

a. Taylor Haisch
b. Anthony Green
c. Justin Schmidt
d. there are no black Facepunchers

6) Which Facepuncher has twice been robbed at a San Francisco massage parlor? Hint: He also sprained his ankle in what history will remember as the first "unofficial" Facepunchers game while drunk in a parking lot at midnight after the Superbowl.

a. Mark Brown
b. Peter Counts
c. David DeChantal
d. Joey Bartlow

7) This Facepuncher has been on a pain-killer-fueled rampage ever since sustaining a toe-threatening foot injury while stomping an opponent's face? Hint: It's Taylor.

a. Taylor
b. Nick Callahan
c. Brett
d. according to SFPD Chief Ron "double-down" Ward, pain-killer-fueled rampages have been attributed to several of the 2006 Facepunchers. This information was relayed via satellite from his Las Vegas estate.

8) Which member of the 2006 squad has been known to frequently "break the white-trash rule", indulging in malt-liquor as early as 10:00 in the morning? Hint: He has a monkey-puppet named Ramon.

a. David "the mustache" De Chantal
b. Ramon
c. Adam McBride
d. Teddy Two-Names

9) He is the only Facepuncher to actually have his member flop out of his pants during league play. Hint: He didn't even stop running to tuck it back in.

a. Eric Meissner
b. David Merkis
c. Carlos Morin
d. Ramon

10) This Facepuncher has not held job in over a year. Hint: He's broke.

a. Jesse Hodge
b. Josh Brooks
c. Colby Pritchard
d. several of the Facepunchers fit into this category.

11) Which player's in-game attire has been described as looking like "a lesbian house-painter?" Hint: He's a Canadian, and thinks that the Facepunchers "play hockey on the sand."

a. Jim McFadden
b. Tyrone Shoelaces
c. Andrew Stych
d. none of the above, because we would never let a filthy Canadian on the field

12) This 2006 Facepuncher has literally hundreds of illegitimate children spread all across South America? Hint: In his FBI profile, he is known as either "Johnny Appleseed," "Hand Solo," or "The Spider."

a. Carlos Morin
b. Brett
c. Justin Schmidt
d. As an organization, the Facepunchers have fathered a total of over 100,000 bastard children across the globe

13) Which of the Facepunchers has intentionally pulled his shorts down revealing his bare hindquarters just moments before receiveing a pass? Hint: He was quoted after the game stating, "I thought the move would help me score one way or another."

a. Jin Voeks
b. Aaron Brodeur
c. Adam McBride
d. Ramon

14) This Facepuncher holds the current record for most T-shirts shredded during league play. Hint: As a result of this streak, he has faced several fines from the league office for violating the "no half-shirts policy".

a. Josh Brooks
b. Taylor Haisch
c. Teddy Two-Names
d. Jesse Hodge

15) Which of the Facepunchers has been quoted as saying his patented "racing stripes" give him an extra burst of speed on the sand? Hint: There is media speculation that this is actually a misquote, and the real statement reads "I like to do speed on the sand."

a. David De Chantal
b. Joey Bartlow
c. Eric Meissner
d. Aaron "I've been kicked off the team" Keane

16) This Facepuncher will be the likely recipient of the "Puff the Magic Dragon" Award for his consistent commitment to being stoned out of his gourd for the majority of FCBFL's games. Hint: Brodeur is hot on his heels for runner-up for this prestigious award.

a. Nick Callahan
b. Dean Holmes
c. Colby Pritchard
d. Taylor Haisch

17) This Facepuncher recently donned "wide-receiver gloves," only to remove them before the game, complaining that they "got sand on them." Hint: Claims to be sponsored by Nike.

a. Andrew Stych
b. Brett
c. Josh Brooks
d. Aaron Brodeur

18) Which Facepuncher has sustained the largest laceration during league play? Hint: This wound was treated by the time-tested method of "covering it with a hat and then playing more."

a. Teddy Two-Names
b. Jim McFadden
c. Dean Holmes
d. No one in the league can afford a hat

19) This player stands only four-foot seven and weighs in at eighty-four pounds. Hint: He has used his dimunitive stature as an advantage, often hiding in the pockets of opposing receivers, then popping out to snatch the ball at the last second.

a. Joey Bartlow
b. Anothony Green
c. Brett
d. Adam McBride

20) This Facepuncher has been referred to as "the Warren Sapp of the FCBFL after dominating the defensive line in the Super Beach. Hint: He's the one and only friend of receiver Jin Voeks.

a. Carlos Morin
b. Brett
c. Peter Counts
d. Jin doesn't have any friends

21) This Facepuncher is currently wanted by the FBI regarding a three-state crime spree involving a donkey, three strippers, and a trunk-full of heroin. Hint: He showed up over two hours late for the Super Beach.

a. Andrew Stych
b. Nick Callahan
c. Dan Lewis
d. Jesse Hodge

22) Which Facepuncher has actually admitted to having played flag football? Hint: He's one of three "Mic's" on the squad.

a. Brian McKelvey
b. Jim McFadden
c. Adam McBride
d. The Facepunchers would never allow any Irishmen or Scottsmen around our women

23) This co-founder of the team has been arrested for prostitution with Carlos Morin on Polk street dressed as an ugly, ugly woman. Hint: His legal defense consisted of showing up in court drunk wearing a baby carrier with a midget in it (also drunk) and screaming "I needs to feed my youngin'!"

a. Ramon
b. Jesse Hodge
c. Taylor Haisch
d. Jim McFadden


Answer Key: 1) b 2) d 3) b or d 4) c or d 5) b 6) a 7) a 8) a 9) b 10) a 11) c 12) c 13) c 14) c 15) c 16) c 17) c 18) c 19) a 20) b 21) b 22) a 23) d


Well, there you have it folks, the real story surrounding some of the myth and folklore that is the 2006 Facepunchers. Here is the scoring system to rate your knowledge of the greatest team ever to play any sport in the history of time--Let's see what category you fit into:

17-23--You are hereby an honorary Facepuncher, and an astute disciple of the Team of Destiny. Your knowledge of the team is second to none. Also, you're probably wasted.

12-16-- You are hereby an honorary Facepuncherette, still well-versed in team lore, but perhaps at times too intoxicated to recall some of the season's highlight-reel moments.

6-11-- You are at best, a casual fan-- a "bandwagon-rider" if you will. You probably started following the team after we won our first five and decided to jump on for the ride.

0-5-- You probably stumbled onto this site by accident looking for a dojo.

The Super Beach After Party... As Told in Pictures

Super Beach After Party

Women at the Super Beach After Party

Team Red Beats Team Black 7-6

"Let there be light" - Jesus

On perhaps one of the most beautiful days to ever shine down on the San Francisco Face Punchers, Super Beach I was played.
The Face Punchers, the leagues most dominate team, arrived at the beach shortly after 1 with their war paint on. Captains Carlos "The Arm" Morin and Brian "If only I could be like Morin" McKelvey, opposing quarterbacks, met at the 50 yard line to engage in paper, rocks, scissors, the F.C.B.F.L's version of the N.F.L's coin toss.

Team Red took possession at the end-zone line with Brian McKelvey at the helm and # 1 draft pick, Adam McBride in the backfield. After running several unsuccessful plays and an interception to Lil' Mosquito for a turnover, Team Black took the ball for the first time.

Morin, perhaps the greatest quarterback to ever play the game, took the pigskin and really shoved it up Team Red's ass by throwing a bomb to Teddy Twonames for the first point of the game.
During the blast towards the end-zone, Team Black suffered their first injury of the day. New recruit Dean "John" Holmes endured a crack to the head and blood poured from his wound like 5-cent bled on BART. It was nasty, real nasty.

After another failed attempt by Team Red to score, Morin came through once again with a second touchdown pass to Lil' Mosquito for the second point of the game and gave Team Black a 2 point advantage. The future looked bleek for Team Red by this time but they finally came back and with a touchdown pass to Jin Voeks, made the score 3-1.

Later, Morin and his crew were stuffed on a fourth and goal conversion and were forced to give the ball back. Jim McFadden, upset by his teammates lack of passion, took the ball and ran it up Team Black's ass with several first down conversions and a hand-off to Adam McBride, to make the score 3-2.

After Team Red tied the score to 3-3, Team Black put their last point on the board before the half. Team Red followed shortly with 3 minutes left for the half to tie it up at 4.

The Halftime Show

This years halftime show was packed with star-studded celebrities and wild performances. Lady killers, Michael Bolton, Kenny Loggins and Milli Vanilli were this years special entertainers, driving the women crazy and keeping their pussies wetter than Morin and Brodeur in a hot spring.

But the real action wasn't at the half.

Tied at 4-4, Team Red changed their strategy and came out swinging. Team Black, unable to leave their own endzone, gave in to the fighting red and failed to produce any t.d's. Self proclaimed whiskey drinking mother fucker, Jim McFadden again came through but this time on defense. Responsible for several failed completions to willing receivers, McFadden shut down the passing game and allowed Team Red to score three more times on plays by Adam McBride, Jin Voeks and Brian McKelvey, to put the scoreboard at 7-4.

But McFadden and and his "D", came into check and after another phenomenal pass to Mark Brown, Team Black fought back to remain on Team Red's side of the sand. Team Black scored two more times to get the score back to 7-6 with catches by new recruits Dean "John" Holmes and Lil' Mosquito.

Team Red, trying to stop the rush, lost Peter Counts to a freak toe accident. A sight unbearable to all. Counts, who turned out fine, was rushed to the hospital and was out of the game permanently, hurting Red's chances at a possible victory.

But perhaps the most memorable play came with 5 minutes left in the game.

At first down, five yards out of tying the game, Team Black had four chances to capture the title. Several downs later and fourth, Morin rolled out left to find a receiver. There, in his chops, were Line Backer Adam McBride. Morin was hit but on his way down, let the ball go to a sailed out Dean Holmes.

But it wasn't enough and Team Black was shut down, leaving Team Red to wind down the clock, leaving them to frollick in their happiness.

But despite the outcome, it was a successful day for the San Francisco Face Punchers, who played to a sell-out crowd of 30 plus spectators.
The second season plans to be a huge hit with all of the remaining Face Punchers returning to camp, scheduled for sometime in April.

The Face Punchers, who have scheduled their Christmas Party and Awards Ceremony for December 17th, will issue the Dan Lewis Award, to the player who has exuded much assholeness, as well as the Alex Walterspiel Award, for the player that oozes Nazi Lesbianism at it's finest.

Stay tuned to The Weekly Face Puncher for more packed action.